In case you have missed it, a national election took place this Tuesday. It actually wouldn’t be that surprising if you have missed it, because after the all the ballots had been counted, after $6 billion was spent, and after the dust had settled, Barack Obama is still president, Republicans still have majority in the House of Representatives, Democrats still have majority in the Senate with Republicans still fully in control there. However, if you haven’t managed to miss it, you are now probably feeling relief that this election is finally over. But, of course, not everybody reacted with relief, so here are 10 other reactions to the election results:
1) Rush Limbaugh conservative talk show host: This election is invalid! We have received multiple reports of widespread voter fraud, vote tampering and election rigging! And I know that these reports are 100% accurate because our people were the ones doing it!
2) Fox News: Well, it’s absolutely clear that hurricane Sandy was the decisive factor which turned the election in favor of Obama. And an interesting fact is that Sandy made landfall from the southeast, from across the Atlantic, and our channel’s meteorologists are very confident that Sandy had originated in Kenya! Coincidence? Conspiracy? We will let our viewers decide.
3) David Axelrod, Democratic strategist: Well, of course, hurricane Sandy did not help Obama. I mean, if a hurricane had helped Obama, that would means that God wanted Obama to win, right?
4) Mitt Romney, retiree from Massachusetts: I would like to congratulate the president on his historic victory. And by the way, I’ll take a lot of credit for that.
5) American Crossroads, SuperPAC: Even though the elections are over, we still have so much cash left over in our coffers, that we will continue running anti-Obama ads at least though March 2015.
6) CNN, NBC, ABC: Well, this was a fun election… ratings were up, ads were WAY up… Is there any way to convince these guys to have an election every year?
7) Karl Rove, Republican Strategist: Nooooooooo!!! Obama tricksed usss! He has stolen Ohio, my preciossss! We needsed it!
8) Paul Ryan, former Vice-Presidential nominee / Congressman: Boy, am I glad I didn’t quit my day job!
9) John Boehner, Speaker of the House: By keeping the Republican majority in the House, the Americans have sent Washington a clear message that they want the legislative gridlock to continue.
10) Reince Preibus, Republican Party Chairman: The results of the election have shown that the only group on whose vote our party can consistently count, are the white males, and the only way we can increase our vote count is by increasing the number of white males. Therefore, starting today, the Republican Party will aggressively push for larger availability of sex change operations, and promote it to women as the only acceptable type of contraception.