10 Lessons From The General Petraeus Sex Scandal

“All In”?  Yeah, right.  It’s more like “All Out Now”… Maybe a more appropriate title should have been Fifty Shades of Camouflage.

The recently uncovered extra-marital affair between the CIA Director General David Petraeus and his biographer Paula Broadwell has already led to General’s resignation, and to the increase in sales of General’s biography, named “All In: The Education of General David Petraeus”.  The scandal continues to unfold, ensnaring the NATO commander in Afghanistan General John Allen, a socialite in Tampa, and a mysterious “Shirtless FBI Agent”.  Here are 10 things we have learned from the scandal already.

1)  The affair has made clear that the education of General David Petraeus mentioned in the book title had incorporated a sex-ed course.

2)  The rivalry between the various American security agencies has been exposed once again: after Secret Service got caught in the Colombian prostitute scandal, the CIA and the Army had to respond with a  sex scandal of their own.

3)  In the aftermath of the scandal, military officers will be less inclined to discuss their privates.

4)  The following pick up line is expected to become popular: “Hey babe, do you wanna be my biographer?  ‘Cause I got a top secret undercover mission for you.”

5)  Even though David Petraeus has done some stupid things that have allowed FBI to crack open the case, General had still shown himself to be at least marginally qualified to run a covert agency, because he had at least managed not to tweet out a picture of himself in his underwear.

6)  Starting immediately, when hiring a biographer for any future CIA director, CIA’s Human Resources will begin to read the candidate’s resume to make sure he or she is not a current employee of Wikileaks.

7)  Oh, and while they are at it…  CIA will most likely stop hiring any biographers for the CIA directors, and will instead videotape all future CIA chiefs for The Real Undercover Boss reality show.

8)  Bedroom role-players will no longer stop at pretending to be a CIA agent, and will go all the way to pretending to be a CIA director.

9)  General Petraeus will be asked to testify under oath before Congress on the important matters of national security concerning his affair with Paula Broadwell, such as how good Mrs. Broadwell was in bed, what’s her phone number, and how likely Mrs. Broadwell’s husband is to punch someone in the face if that someone were to hook up with her.

10)  Maybe, just maybe, people will finally learn how to spell “Petraeus”.

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About List of X

An Ostensibly Funny Commentary* of the Recent News and Events. (* warning! may not actually be funny or a commentary. Also, since I am not quite sure what "ostensibly" means, it might not be "ostensibly" either.) Blogging at listofx.com
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13 Responses to 10 Lessons From The General Petraeus Sex Scandal

  1. Anonymous says:

    #3 and #10 are my favorites. Good job. This scandal is great fodder for comics, isn’t it?

    Like

  2. Sherry says:

    I love #3!

    Like

  3. Ankur Mithal says:

    I am sure there will be many more. Here is my contribution:
    1. An extra-marital affair is not a sole presidential right. Generals have it too.

    Like

  4. Undercover biographer! Please don’t blow my cover:)

    Like

  5. melfamy says:

    There is no truth to the rumor about a planned change in the title of Petraeus’ biography, from “All In” to “Every Inch A Soldier”.

    Like

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