Karl Rove: a spin artist, formerly known as Turd Blossom (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
The good news: 2012 election is over. Bad news: the 2016 election season has already started. After losing the election and failing to reach its number one goal of making Obama a one-term president, the Republican party has began developing the plan to win the 2016 election and make Obama a two-term president. And no one is more qualified to learn from the 2012 mistakes and pave the path to 2016 GOP victory than the number one Republican strategist Karl Rove. So here are 10 steps in Karl Rove’s plan for the Republican party to win the 2016 election.
1) Capture the Hispanic vote. To be more specific, round them up and deport them back where they came from.
2) Listen to women’s concerns. Since the women are now the majority of the voters, GOP needs to start listening to women. And not just listening, but occasionally interject with “Uh-huh”, “Right”, “That’s great”, and “Of course I am listening to you!”. Better yet, implement the ultimate solution for the women problem: have men tell their wives how to vote. Hire consultants from Saudi Arabia, these people are years ahead of us on the issue.
3) Split the Democrats. Since 47% who live on welfare, food stamps, unemployment and on other government hand-outs such as Social Security consistently vote for Democrats, we have to cut these freeloaders off the entitlements. Once these people are not beholden to Democrats for their livelihood and have to survive on their own, it’s absolutely certain they will vote for Republicans.
4) Keep pressing Obama administration on Benghazi. The scandal is not getting much traction outside of Fox, but this might be as close to an actual scandal we’re ever going to get. Next line of attack to pursue: why hasn’t Obama’s dog Bo said anything about Benghazi after the attack, and why isn’t he testifying now?
5) Redefine the abortion rhetoric. GOP can make party more appealing to voters by appropriating the pro-choice label while retaining the pro-life label: after all, once a baby is born, parents will have plenty of choices how they could get rid of it: whether it will be lack of insurance, pollution, or a Stand Your Ground law.
6) Reach out to single women. Transvaginal ultrasounds were a great first step, but the party needs to study the anatomy textbooks to find more places where we can reach women at.
7) Unite the country against a common enemy. A perfect target for the nation’s anger are the homeless: they live off hand-outs, pay no taxes, do not create jobs, depress housing markets, and most importantly, they can’t afford to hire lobbyists.
8) Voter suppression. Voter ID is a start. Next, have the TSA set up X-ray scanners at polling stations in Democratic districts. After all, there had been only a dozen moredocumentedvoter fraud incidents than there had been terrorist hijackings of polling stations. Also, if you have to get X-rayed just to get on an airplane, shouldn’t you be X-rayed in order to get into a polling station?
9) Expand Fundraising Efforts. Contact that son of Nigerian king who just emailed my office asking for help in transferring the money to the US, and ask if he would be interested in investing money to our superPACs.
10) Improve online outreach. Everything is on the Internet these days, so voting machines need to be online as well. Because these machines are a crucial part of our democracy, just like the older white males, the party will need to find a way to reach these machines online. That will help the party fix any fraudulent (also known as “Democratic”) votes as they come in.
An Ostensibly Funny Commentary* of the Recent News and Events.
(* warning! may not actually be funny or a commentary. Also, since I am not quite sure what "ostensibly" means, it might not be "ostensibly" either.)
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