10 Ways How Budget Cuts Will Affect Your Life

Posted on February 25, 2013 by
Sylvester Stallone

At least most of us are already aware that “Sequester” means “budget cuts” and NOT the first name of that actor who was in the Rocky and Rambo movies. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

As you may know, on March 1, 2013 the automatic budget cuts, known as “sequester” will take effect, unless Congress acts to repeal or delay them.  And since, as you may know, the words “Congress” and “act” don’t really belong in the same sentence, we all should start preparing for these imminent budget cuts right now.  Here 10 ways how sequester could affect your life.

1)  If you are buying meat at the supermarket, please note that due to reductions in the number of the food inspectors, there will now be even less beef in that horse meat the store has been selling you as “beef”.

2)  If you are flying commercial, get ready for longer lines at security checkpoints, because many TSA workers will be furloughed and will not have enough hands to properly grope everyone.  However, if you are not planning to fly, you should be even more careful since those furloughed TSA agents will now be roaming free out on the streets.

3)  Also, if you are still planning on flying, call ahead to the airport at your destination to make sure that not all air traffic dispatchers in that airport have been transferred to help out with the much more important job of confiscating the passengers’ water bottles.

4)  If you are receiving Medicare, please be advised that as of March 1st, instead of covering a knee replacement surgery, Medicare will only cover a knee replacement surgery replacement, also known as “a cane”.

5)  If you are a soldier fighting overseas, please know that the nation will care about you approximately 8.5% less.  Since it’s high time that the army becomes more self-sufficient, you’ll be required to take mandatory online courses to learn how to pillage and plunder with the help of drones.

6)  If you are in pre-school… You know what, if you are in pre-school and you are reading this, that’s pretty amazing for a pre-schooler!  Your parents must be so proud of you!  So good news for you then: you’ll get to spend more time with your parents, because there won’t be any more pre-school for you!

7)  If you are planning to visit a national park, please know that due to lack of funding the National Park Service will shut down the Old Faithful geyser in Yellowstone and 9 out of 13 Hawaiian volcanoes.

8)  If you are a gun owner, you can rest easy because the Homeland Security will not have the manpower to come to your house to confiscate your guns.  Of course, this wouldn’t have happened anyway but feel free to be grateful for the sequester.

9)  If you live in a tornado-prone area, you need to start preparing for a tornado right now.  Because of the cuts to the National Weather Service, this post could be the only warning you’re going to get.

10)  Due to personnel cuts, all Congressmen will have to go on extended break and all lawmaking activity will cease.  In other words, sequester will not affect Congress in any meaningful way.

About List of X

An Ostensibly Funny Commentary* of the Recent News and Events. (* warning! may not actually be funny or a commentary. Also, since I am not quite sure what "ostensibly" means, it might not be "ostensibly" either.) Blogging at listofx.com
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24 Responses to 10 Ways How Budget Cuts Will Affect Your Life

  1. Laura says:
    February 25, 2013 at 2:56 am

    #1 is unfair — there haven’t been any reports of horse meat being sold as beef in the US. The budget cuts will probably just mean that American hamburger meat will begin to deviate a bit from the traditional blend of 92% beef, 5% ammonia, and 3% E. coli.

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    • List of X says:
      February 25, 2013 at 1:03 pm

      That 92% beef probably also contains 30% pink slime (which is by the way a real ingredient)
      And let’s be fair, just because media didn’t report it doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen. When did the media ever cover your plumbing repairs?

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  2. Ankur Mithal says:
    February 25, 2013 at 3:13 am

    Is this the time when people living in what is popularly called the “third world” feel happy that their budget cuts have not been able to dent their pre-cut status of no pre-schools, no knee replacements, no storm warnings, no security, etc.?

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  3. bernasvibe says:
    February 25, 2013 at 3:42 am

    Several of these are such serious matters; that laughter is the only way to “swallow” the distaste in my mouth over this being our reality. Ugh! Well, last till its time to head to the voting booths..In the meantime, thank YOU again for adding humor to soften the blow. Laughter is so wonderful for our inner being..I’ve been stopping by often so as not to miss your next publication. I got real lucky this morning..Well, I could’ve gotten luckier; lol! but this is a good substitute for now. Sort of..

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    • List of X says:
      February 25, 2013 at 7:55 pm

      Thank you for visiting so often, and I apologize if I have disappointed you by not writing more posts 🙂
      Yes, I may be laughing now, but when I head to polls in the next election, I’ll be sure to remember the sequester along with any future crises that Congress is bound to create until then.

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  4. 1pointperspective says:
    February 25, 2013 at 6:46 am

    As if coming up with a snazzy word for budget cuts wasn’t impressive enough, they also had a triple letter score for the “Q” in sequester.

    As for the horsemeat, Rodney Dangerfield’s comment in Caddyshack springs to mind; “..this steak still has marks on it from where the jockey was hitting it”

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  5. pouringmyartout says:
    February 25, 2013 at 12:15 pm

    You paint a rather glum picture.

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  6. twindaddy says:
    February 25, 2013 at 12:30 pm

    I wasn’t really worried about this until now. Now? I’m scared.

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  7. The Hook says:
    February 26, 2013 at 10:52 am

    I wish I had your politcal-savvy.
    Well done!

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  8. Derek Osedach says:
    March 10, 2013 at 3:16 am

    Haha, loved number 6! Though I could only sound out some of the words, I was able to put it together that you were complimenting my precocious reading ability. Thanks!

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    • List of X says:
      March 10, 2013 at 11:49 am

      Thank you! Judging by your bearded face avatar, you are one mature-looking pre-schooler. 🙂 Also, it’s amazing that you can write but not yet read, but guess that could happen if your reading teacher is laid off while your writing instructor keeps her job. 🙂

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