As you may know, on March 1, 2013 the automatic budget cuts, known as “sequester” will take effect, unless Congress acts to repeal or delay them. And since, as you may know, the words “Congress” and “act” don’t really belong in the same sentence, we all should start preparing for these imminent budget cuts right now. Here 10 ways how sequester could affect your life.
1) If you are buying meat at the supermarket, please note that due to reductions in the number of the food inspectors, there will now be even less beef in that horse meat the store has been selling you as “beef”.
2) If you are flying commercial, get ready for longer lines at security checkpoints, because many TSA workers will be furloughed and will not have enough hands to properly grope everyone. However, if you are not planning to fly, you should be even more careful since those furloughed TSA agents will now be roaming free out on the streets.
3) Also, if you are still planning on flying, call ahead to the airport at your destination to make sure that not all air traffic dispatchers in that airport have been transferred to help out with the much more important job of confiscating the passengers’ water bottles.
4) If you are receiving Medicare, please be advised that as of March 1st, instead of covering a knee replacement surgery, Medicare will only cover a knee replacement surgery replacement, also known as “a cane”.
5) If you are a soldier fighting overseas, please know that the nation will care about you approximately 8.5% less. Since it’s high time that the army becomes more self-sufficient, you’ll be required to take mandatory online courses to learn how to pillage and plunder with the help of drones.
6) If you are in pre-school… You know what, if you are in pre-school and you are reading this, that’s pretty amazing for a pre-schooler! Your parents must be so proud of you! So good news for you then: you’ll get to spend more time with your parents, because there won’t be any more pre-school for you!
7) If you are planning to visit a national park, please know that due to lack of funding the National Park Service will shut down the Old Faithful geyser in Yellowstone and 9 out of 13 Hawaiian volcanoes.
8) If you are a gun owner, you can rest easy because the Homeland Security will not have the manpower to come to your house to confiscate your guns. Of course, this wouldn’t have happened anyway but feel free to be grateful for the sequester.
9) If you live in a tornado-prone area, you need to start preparing for a tornado right now. Because of the cuts to the National Weather Service, this post could be the only warning you’re going to get.
10) Due to personnel cuts, all Congressmen will have to go on extended break and all lawmaking activity will cease. In other words, sequester will not affect Congress in any meaningful way.