Several Republicans on the House Science Committee are planning to propose legislation that would require Congressional oversight of all scientific research sponsored by the National Science Foundation, which proves that there are federal regulations that Republicans can actually support. This legislation, if passes, will put the Republican Party in the position to decide what is science and what isn’t, and it’s more or less common knowledge that many Republicans distrust the concepts and theories accepted by the consensus of scientific community. But that’s not because Republicans don’t believe in science, it’s because many conservatives rely on a different, conservative science. Here are 10 of the fundamental principles of the conservative science.
1) Cosmology: “Universe was created in 6 days.” True. If God hadn’t been in such a rush to design, develop, and release the Universe by Sunday’s deadline, we as the end users wouldn’t have to deal with such a buggy and problem-ridden product.
2) Climate: “There is no global warming”: True, especially when it’s snowing outside. And at all other times, get an AC!
3) Natural Selection: True: there is overwhelming evidence proving the theory of natural selection, of survival of the fittest and those adapting quickly to changing conditions, and annihilation of the weakest. However, the concept is false outside of the free market.
4) Solar Energy: “Solar energy is not a reliable power source”. True: the Sun will explode in just a few billion years and therefore we can’t count on the solar energy to be there forever.
5) Theory of Relativity: True: everything is relative; any idea, such as tax increases or a health insurance mandate, is great or terrible only depending on which party proposes it.
6) Arctic Ice: “The ice is not melting”: According to the oil companies which are the most reliable experts on the weather and ice levels, the ice is definitely not melting, but thanks to the constant expansion of the open water, they will soon be able to drill anywhere in the Arctic.
7) Fossil Fuels: “Coal is our future”. True: in a few millions of years, our dead bodies will fossilize into coal and oil to be mined by the future Republican generations.
8) Political science: “Government is the problem”. True: just look at the House and Senate Republicans.
9) Wind Power: “Wind Power is unreliable and we cannot trust it”. True: Wind consists of oxygen and nitrogen molecules, which may have flown in from Mexico, Middle East, or China. These molecules cross our border without any papers, don’t speak our language, don’t follow our customs, and steal the jobs of American oil and gas industry workers.
10) Civics: “USA is a Christian country, because all our Founding Fathers were Christian”. True, and since all the Founding Fathers were white and male, the entire country is supposed to be white and male too. Whoever disagrees can go transvaginal-ultrasound themselves.