Earlier this week, CNN reported that the United States Air Force made an extraordinary move of taking away the access to nuclear missile launch codes from 17 Air Force officers because of their poor performance and concerns that these launch codes may have been compromised. The commander of the Air Force unit sent a harshly worded e-mail to his subordinates, criticizing them for their sloppiness in their work and for failing to protect the classified data, and in a highly ironic but rather predictable twist, that e-mail of course had been leaked to CNN. (CNN didn’t post the full commander’s e-mail, but it probably reads a lot like that viral sorority girl e-mail, minus the profanity). After such an embarrassment, the Air Force is taking the missile launch codes away from all the other people who shouldn’t have them. So, here are 10 other people who will no longer have the nuclear launch codes in the future.
1) Joe Biden: Last year, he accidentally revealed the administration’s support for gay marriage, making Obama scramble to make it look like not an accident. Imagine what Barack Obama would have to do if Joe Biden blurts out the nuclear launch code?
2) George Bush, Jr.: The launch codes would be removed from George W. Bush’s Presidential library, where the ex-President had proudly displayed them as a proof that he really, really had them. Luckily, no one had actually visited Bush’s library and seen these codes, because Americans either dislike Bush, or never go to libraries.
3) Harry Truman: Because of the additional scrutiny, Air Force audited their records and finally marked President Truman as deceased.
4) Kim Jong Un: He was identified as someone who shouldn’t even have access to a slingshot launch code. However, it turned out that after his father Kim Chen Il’s death there was no one left in North Korea with the knowledge of their launch codes, and therefore all recent North Korean missile launches labeled as “tests” were purely accidental.
5) Sara Palin: She couldn’t remember the 4 digit launch code and had to write it on the palm of her hand.
6) John Boehner: Without the codes, he will no longer be able hold the entire world hostage when demanding more tax cuts for the rich, and would have to settle for holding hostage only the American economy.
7) Justin Bieber: Did you really think that 40 million people follow him on Twitter because they like his music? Yeah, right.
8) Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie: No one knows how they got these codes, but it was only because of their threats of nuclear annihilation that they were able to collect so many children from multiple defenseless countries.
9) Whoever had the genius idea to create an oh-so-easy-to-remember launch code “1111”.
10) Whoops…. Me.