10 People Who Will No Longer Have Access To Nuclear Launch Codes

According to unconfirmed reports, this may have been one of the officers stripped of the authority to launch nuclear missiles.

According to unconfirmed reports, this may have been one of the officers stripped of the authority to launch nuclear missiles.

Earlier this week, CNN reported that the United States Air Force made an extraordinary move of taking away the access to nuclear missile launch codes from 17 Air Force officers because of their poor performance and concerns that these launch codes may have been compromised.  The commander of the Air Force unit sent a harshly worded e-mail to his subordinates, criticizing them for their sloppiness in their work and for failing to protect the classified data, and in a highly ironic but rather predictable twist, that e-mail of course had been leaked to CNN.  (CNN didn’t post the full commander’s e-mail, but it probably reads a lot like that viral sorority girl e-mail, minus the profanity).  After such an embarrassment, the Air Force is taking the missile launch codes away from all the other people who shouldn’t have them.  So, here are 10 other people who will no longer have the nuclear launch codes in the future.

1)  Joe Biden:  Last year, he accidentally revealed the administration’s support for gay marriage, making Obama scramble to make it look like not an accident.  Imagine what Barack Obama would have to do if Joe Biden blurts out the nuclear launch code?

2)  George Bush, Jr.: The launch codes would be removed from George W. Bush’s Presidential library, where the ex-President had proudly displayed them as a proof that he really, really had them. Luckily, no one had actually visited Bush’s library and seen these codes, because Americans either dislike Bush, or never go to libraries.

3)  Harry Truman: Because of the additional scrutiny, Air Force audited their records and finally marked President Truman as deceased.

4)  Kim Jong Un:  He was identified as someone who shouldn’t even have access to a slingshot launch code.  However, it turned out that after his father Kim Chen Il’s death there was no one left in North Korea with the knowledge of their launch codes, and therefore all recent North Korean missile launches labeled as “tests” were purely accidental.

5)  Sara Palin:  She couldn’t remember the 4 digit launch code and had to write it on the palm of her hand.

6)  John Boehner:  Without the codes, he will no longer be able hold the entire world hostage when demanding more tax cuts for the rich, and would have to settle for holding hostage only the American economy.

7)  Justin Bieber:  Did you really think that 40 million people follow him on Twitter because they like his music?  Yeah, right.

8)  Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie: No one knows how they got these codes, but it was only because of their threats of nuclear annihilation that they were able to collect so many children from multiple defenseless countries.

9)  Whoever had the genius idea to create an oh-so-easy-to-remember launch code “1111”.

10)  Whoops…. Me.

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About List of X

An Ostensibly Funny Commentary* of the Recent News and Events. (* warning! may not actually be funny or a commentary. Also, since I am not quite sure what "ostensibly" means, it might not be "ostensibly" either.) Blogging at listofx.com
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54 Responses to 10 People Who Will No Longer Have Access To Nuclear Launch Codes

  1. I am not even sure there ARE nuclear launch codes. After all, during the Clinton presidency they were lost for a few months, and the world did not become less safe: http://andreasmoser.wordpress.com/2010/10/23/nuclear-codes/

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  2. Laura says:

    This is much funnier than “10 Digits Found in Nuclear Launch Codes.”

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  3. Very funny. Regarding number 7, you got that right. 🙂

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  4. rossmurray1 says:

    I like to imagine the launch codes are ironic, something like “Lewinsky.”

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  5. Huffygirl says:

    I think the launch code is “Kalel” of course. Thumbs up X.

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  6. mairedubhtx says:

    I particularly liked number 2.

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  7. Wait, WHAT? How many people did they give these codes to? I can’t imagine anyone needing them besides the president and the very top military officials. Do they ever change the codes? I mean I have to change my damn password at work every few weeks and I work at a library. Where no one ever goes. Yet these guys are just slapped on the wrist and given a little more training? What exactly do you have to do to be drummed out of the service these days? I’d say compromising security to that extent would be a pretty freaking serious no-no, wouldn’t you? So seriously, wtf???

    I’m pretty sure Cheney had the code, but he kept it safe for Bush.

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    • List of X says:

      I don’t know how many people had them, but if the Air Force can take them away from 17 people without much noise, there’s probably plenty more people left with that access. I had to assume that everyone has them.
      Yeah, I’m sure Cheney kept the actual codes away from Bush. The fact that the US didn’t nuke any country between 2001 and 2008 is proof enough.

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      • Bob says:

        There is a whole process for launching nuclear weapons, the codes those 17 airman had where for there individual ICBM controls. There isn’t just one code that controls our nuclear arsenal. The president has an aide that carries something called a nuclear football which controls the arsenal. The football is a briefcase with instructions on how to launch.

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        • List of X says:

          I realize that no single person has the codes and access to launch a nuclear weapon. However, you wouldn’t want to give someone you don’t fully trust even a half of your credit card number.

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    • bernasvibe says:

      Ok?!@How often WE have to change our passwords..I 2nd that WtF? I scratch my head sometimes at the ‘ish I see going on in D.C.(or what is NOT going on that should be) more & more these days..Good jeeesh if 17 people could be banned from having the codes..how many people are being TRUSTED with having them ? And for what reason do they even need them? Are WE the only ones who don’t have them? Lawd, help us

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      • List of X says:

        Yeah, I was really surprised that this happened, and even more surprised when the story disappeared from the news rather quickly. “Oh year, we got 17 people with access to launching nuclear missiles, who shouldn’t be allowed to go near these missiles. No big deal, nothing to see here.”

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  8. twindaddy says:

    I can’t believe Tom Cruise didn’t make the list. He shouldn’t have them either.

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  9. Carrie Rubin says:

    These are fabulous. Maybe next the Air Force can tackle the sexual harassment embarrassment it’s managing to amass, starting with the Air Force officer in charge of the Sexual Assault Prevention and Response Office who was arrested and charged with sexual battery…

    By the way, I followed you over on Twitter. But I’m not stalking you. Not really, anyway…

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    • List of X says:

      Thank you!
      Yes, theoretically the Air Force could tackle their sexual assault/rape problem, but it seems they find it easier to teach people to use fighter jets and nuclear weapons correctly, than to teach them that sexually assaulting and raping others is not Ok.
      I just followed you back, so your hint totally worked. And thank you for retweeting this post.

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  10. They took away my launch codes too… sigh… oh… wait… those were the lunch codes. Yay. I can still nuke anybody who pisses me off.

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    • List of X says:

      With all due respect, I don’t think you should have the launch codes. I mean, you’re deep in a war with someone already, and one wrong move could turn entire WordPress into radioactive wasteland. As for your lunch codes, I’ll talk to the Air Force about giving them back to you. We don’t want you all hungry and cranky when the fate of the world is still in your hands.

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  11. Michael Sadowski says:

    Justin Bieber got robbed! I rested easier at night knowing that Justin has his thumb poised over the button. I heard his launch codes were transferred to Matt Damon. I do not trust Matt Damon because his name sounds “damonic.” Better they should go to Ben Affleck. He’s far more reasonable in these sensitive matters. Of course this means we’ll have to terminate Jennifer Garner because it’s a well-known fact that Ben talks in his sleep. I wouldn’t want pillow talk to start WW III. Would you?

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    • List of X says:

      Justin Bieber doesn’t actually need a nuclear weapon. If he ever wanted to wipe out a few million people, all he has to do it is to tweet “yo peep, jump off a cliff for me pls” to his followers.
      I don’t trust Damon and Affleck either. The only person in show business I would ever trust with these codes is Chuck Norris, because if a missiles ever malfunctions, he could finish its job himself. But even he’s been acting strange lately…

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  12. I think the launch code should be “Make Rockets Go Now!” just because it’d be easier to remember.

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  13. Elyse says:

    They took away my nuclear launch codes when they realized I couldn’t remember them after reading this post and all the funny comments.

    I’m sure they’ll give them back if I read Ayn Rand, though.

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  14. Just the possibility of #7 is going to make me lose sleep tonight. Although giving codes to someone who refuses to pull up his pants and smokes weed with a monkey on his tour bus is still better than giving them to Sarah Palin.

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    • List of X says:

      Bieber definitely shouldn’t be launching nuclear missiles. Also, he shouldn’t be tweeting, singing, making music videos, and doing anything show-business-related in general. Occasional karaoke party might be ok.

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  15. I believe they need to remove them from anyone over the age of 60. I know, this is a bit of ageism on my part but I notice as I get closer to this magical number I get forgetful and write things down more and more. Many of those in Congress are near or over this age, none of them should have the codes (ever).

    I also think we should never give them to anyone who has ever read Russian Philosophers and think they are good (Ayn Rand). Any one who cannot tell the difference between fiction and philosophy (Ayn Rand). Any one with the same name as a Russion Fictional Philosophy Writer (Paul Rand). Any member of Congress from a southern state who has ever said they believe in states rights in the same sentence as succession (Cornyn, Cruz, Rand…)

    I think I am done with my list. Your list was awesome, I am especially on board with numbers 5 (I can see Russia) and 7 (I am incapable of pulling my pants up thus they are held up with my small weiner).

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    • List of X says:

      Many of those in Congress should not BE in Congress, period.
      As for the Russian philosophers, there’s Ayn Rand, and there are Russian philosophers. She may originally be from Russia, but she is as much a representative of Russian philosophy as Allen West or Herman Cain are representatives of African American voters. There really isn’t that much of Randian self-interest theme in the Russian philosophy, not even as much as there is in American philosophy sans Rand.

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      • I guess it is hard to see tongue in cheek when writing.

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        • List of X says:

          Oh no, I figured you were being tongue in cheek, but I just didn’t want you to have the impression that it’s the Russian philosophy that’s whipping the Tea Party into a frenzy. (Although, that would be pretty ironic, using the Russian philosophy as a banner in the fight against the perceived Soviet Union-style socialism)

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  16. EagleAye says:

    Just freakin’ Brilliant. You gave me a good laugh here.

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  17. bernasvibe says:

    Word UP @ 5 and especially 6..OMG ever time I think about the BONEr my mind goes blank or I see red. No in between..Classic failure. I swear I’d rather have a blind mute in his position. Shudder every time I think about what type of people have power in our country..Btw once again I did NOT get a note from my reader that you’d posted..Not sure how it got broken! Its a good thing I come peek in on my own..

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    • List of X says:

      “I think about the BONEr my mind goes blank or I see red.” I see orange :)))
      This time, I think my post didn’t show up in your reader because the CIA is covering up the story. I suggest that Republicans hold Congressional hearings to investigate why my blog isn’t in your reader – it would probably be just as useful as their hearings on Benghazi.

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  18. Pingback: Introducing: THE JAFEES! | The Byronic Man

  19. The Hook says:

    I trust you more than most!

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