Last week, the United States Supreme Court decreed that the limits of $5,200 in campaign donation to a single candidate, and $123,200 to all candidates in an election cycle are unconstitutional because these limits represent a restriction on the constitutionally protected free speech. The decision made it possible to donate up to $3.6 million during an election cycle. I’m sure many of you felt frustrated by the burdensome regulation that prohibited you from donating more than $123,000 to the candidates of your choice… Not many of you? Wait, not even one of you? Well, apparently someone did feel constrained by these few campaign finance restrictions remaining after Supreme Court’s 2010 Citizens United decision that money equals free speech and that corporations are people. Here are 10 reactions to the latest Court’s decision on campaign finance and free speech.
1) Vladimir Putin, president of Russia: Thank you, Supreme Court! Thank you! Now I know that don’t have to spend $100-$200 billions to prepare for the new Cold War, I just need $10-$20 billions to buy up all the American politicians and win it.
2) Average Republican voter: I’m also happy with this decision. I am absolutely, positively sure that whenever a wealthy job creator gives a few million dollars to a Republican candidate, he does so because he genuinely has my best interests in mind.
3) Susan P. Stein, curator of Thomas Jefferson museum at Monticello: We have temporarily suspended all tours to the Jefferson family’s burial plot due to the complaints of some strange noises heard there. It sounds like something is rolling underground.
4) Republican National Committee: To celebrate the Supreme Court’s decision, we will hold a special Red Thursday sale on all Republican candidates! Perfect for both running errands and for entertaining your dinner guests with their outrageous antics! Get them while supplies last! And don’t miss this amazing deal: 50% off on all used candidates like Sarah Palin and Mitt Romney!
5) Lawrence T. Elliot, high-profile criminal defense lawyer: Since the Supreme Court has established that money is speech, I, instead of bothering to argue a criminal case for my affluent clients in court, will just be able to donate a few million dollars to the judge.
6) Clarence Thomas, Supreme Court Justice: Unfortunately, our decision still left in place most of the restrictions on the free speech. Look, $3.6 million limit per donor is still an infringement on free speech. Asking donors to disclose their donations – certainly an infringement on free speech. And, finally, making it illegal for politicians to promise special favors in exchange for large donations – well, that sounds a lot like free speech infringement to me.
7) Armed Patriots For White Power, a militia organization: This was a very encouraging decision, and it gives us hope that today’s Supreme Courts will soon recognize political assassination as a form of protected free speech.
8) Republican National Committee: We have been trying to eradicate voter fraud from elections since 2008 – and the Court’s decision has finally offered us the solution to the problem of people just not getting our message and still showing up to vote. Why can’t we just have decide the winner of all future elections by whoever raises the most money?
9) List of X: I was planning to continue this list to 10 items, but then I realized that my standard of writing exactly 10 numbered items is nothing but a restriction on my free speech, and I’m just not going to stand for it.
19,221.61) So there.
On a personal note… Last Friday, my blogging buddy and Galactic Empire stormtrooper TwinDaddy has made my blog a target of his Stuphblog’s Feature Friday series where he spotlights his favorite bloggers. I was both honored and perplexed that I was even considered for this exclusive club – but what floored me the most is that TwinDaddy actually wrote a list of 10 reasons why you should follow List of X. Since I myself can’t think of a single reason why you should follow me, I suggest that you read them in his post. Please don’t forget to check out his entertaining Stuphblog and follow it, because if you don’t, it means that you do not respect TwinDaddy’s right to free speech and hate the Constitution.
Don’t forget to leave a comment – or just send me a check, because, as you know now, money is speech, too.