Since the media has been getting a little carried away with endless discussion of the Thursday’s debate between Republican presidential candidates, I’d like to bring up a completely different story involving an actual Republican president. Did you know that this Tuesday, former president George W. Bush showed up for jury duty in Dallas, Texas? Yes, that jury duty, the only civic responsibility which is less popular than voting and paying taxes. Here are 10 highlights of George W. Bush’s time on jury duty.
1) George Bush only showed up for jury duty after 5 medical deferments.
2) In case George Bush was unable to serve on the jury, he brought an alternate juror named Dick Cheney.
3) A large “Mission Accomplished” banner was hung on the wall as soon as the ex-president entered the courtroom.
4) President Bush swore to uphold his judicial duty by placing his right hand on a copy of My Pet Goat.
5) This was the first precedent in the history of the American judicial system when a juror, citing his vast prior experience, had tried to appoint the judge.
6) Bush kept insisting that all witnesses be waterboarded to verify the truthiness of their testimony, and asked the jurors to add “guilty of one count of producing weapons of mass destruction” into every jury verdict.
7) All nine justices of the Supreme Court were on call to issue a decision in case the jury votes were split too closely – like within a few hundred votes or so.
8) During the day when George Bush was supposed to be on jury duty, he spent one third of that time on vacation.
9) Secret service agents who accompanied the former president had searched everyone present in the courthouse and confiscated all firearms, knives, and pretzels.
10) George Bush was excused from every trial due to the conflict of interest, when it turned out that practically every person involved in every case before the court had either voted for Bush, or voted against him.