10 Reasons Why Republicans Postponed Speaker Election

Outgoing Speaker John Boehner is just so happy that he won't have to do this crappy job anymore.

Outgoing Speaker John Boehner is just so happy that he won’t have to do this crappy job anymore.

A couple of weeks ago, Republican John Boehner, Speaker of the House of Representatives, announced his retirement, and this Thursday the Republican party was scheduled to have a closed party election to fill the position. However, the election has been indefinitely postponed. Supposedly, the reason for delay was that the House Majority leader Kevin McCarthy, who was widely expected to win the election, unexpectedly withdrew from the race yesterday: McCarthy had admitted that the purpose of Benghazi investigations was to lower Hillary Clinton’s poll numbers, and this unfortunate episode of truth-speaking called McCarthy’s political competence into question. However, this wasn’t the only reason, and here are 10 other reasons why the vote was postponed.

1)  Every Republican politician who could have been interested in the Speaker job is already running for president.

2)  The Republican Party has other priorities – the government isn’t going to shut down itself, you know.

3)  Since Americans deserve to see a fresh new face in the Speaker role, several leading candidates are busy getting their plastic surgeries.

4)  Before Republicans elect the next Speaker, they want to research the possibility of putting any potential Speaker’s speech on a seven second delay.

5)  The Speaker is second in line for the presidency, immediately after the Vice President, and no Republican wants to become Joe Biden’s Joe Biden.

6)  Having an elected Speaker may cause the House of Representatives to accidentally accomplish something.

7)  Being the Speaker involves a lot of handshakes with Barack Obama, which means a high probability of getting Islamo-communist cooties.

8)  Many Republican congressmen are so used to voting against everything, that they were having trouble figuring out how to vote for something.

9)  Republicans realized that there is a potential for widespread voter fraud, and if it’s not addressed immediately, Democratic congresspeople would be able to vote in the Speaker election.

10)  Since the job of the Speaker mostly consists of banging a gavel and holding pointless bi-weekly votes to repeal Obamacare, it was decided that a trained monkey could do the job. However, the monkey training hit a snag when the monkey began questioning the value of these Obamacare votes.

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About List of X

An Ostensibly Funny Commentary* of the Recent News and Events. (* warning! may not actually be funny or a commentary. Also, since I am not quite sure what "ostensibly" means, it might not be "ostensibly" either.) Blogging at listofx.com
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59 Responses to 10 Reasons Why Republicans Postponed Speaker Election

  1. Paul says:

    Too funny X – lots of material there. I would like to suggest that no one wants to run because they know Trump has an ego big enough to be the President, the VP and The Speaker all at once.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. An unfortunate episode of truth-speaking is a beautiful turn of a phrase. I hope they find someone as weepy and moist as Boehner. I’ll miss that. Not everyone from Ohio is that delicate. Just sayin’.

    Liked by 2 people

    • List of X says:

      I think I know what you’re referring to, and the good news is, you don’t actually have to be in Congress to be elected Speaker.
      But maybe the tears come with the job.

      Like

  3. john zande says:

    Brilliant, as always. Have you ever tried selling this series to your local newspaper? You should.

    As an outsider looking in, will the Republicans even control the House after the next election?

    Like

  4. Ankur Mithal says:

    As I started reading the post, the question about the job (if any) that post does started bubbling. Thankfully you covered it in point no. 10. Of course, requirement of training can be debated.

    Like

    • List of X says:

      It’s really a pretty thankless job, because one party hates you for not being conservative enough, and the other for being too conservative. It’s so bad that it could actually qualify as animal abuse.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Elyse says:

    I can’t choose a favorite. If I diplomatically say that all 10 are my favorites, do you think they’ll nominate ME as Speaker?

    Like

  6. mhasegawa says:

    #’s 6 and 8 are almost too true to be funny. Maybe they are just funny sad. Another hit list, X.

    Like

  7. rossmurray1 says:

    Maybe what we need instead of a good Speaker is a good Listener. – all the women

    Like

  8. Jim Wheeler says:

    Great list, X. As for McCarthy’s exit, I am conflicted. Any guy who can read gobbledy-gook as thought it meant something, as he did, is disingenuous to the extreme. He would have been the ultimate oxymoron, a Speaker who spoke like a character on the other side of the Looking Glass. On the other finger, I cringe to think of what kind of character the GOP will come up with to fill the gap. I think we are seeing the two-party system becoming a three-way, and that’s bad for the country.

    Like

    • List of X says:

      Thank you for the reblog!
      As for the Speaker, this will be someone who will obviously bend to the will of the Tea Party (he even needs them to get elected) and not work with Democrats, but as far as lawmaking goes, relatively inconsequential, since anything too partisan will be filibustered by Senate Democrats, or if that fails, vetoed by Obama. But considering that the Speaker would be a very public face for the GOP, I actually would prefer someone as radical as possible.

      Liked by 1 person

  9. Jim Wheeler says:

    Reblogged this on Still Skeptical After All These Years and commented:
    The split in the GOP is so historic, mere prose doesn’t do it justice. Here is a post by List Of X that sums it up brilliantly!

    Like

  10. Carrie Rubin says:

    Eight. Definitely number eight.

    Like

  11. Joe Biden’s Joe Biden!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! oh heck yeah…

    Like

  12. Glazed says:

    The Republican party is seeking diversity. Now that they’ve had an orange Speaker, they’re looking for a different exotic color.

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Steve Ruis says:

    #4 and #9 are effing brilliant! And your commenter indicating that they need a Speaker of Color! Whew! (Black is the new Orange? Brown? Yellow?)

    Like

  14. Baaaahaaaaa

    #7, I think this might be the real reason.

    Like

  15. goldfish says:

    There’s so much truth in your lulz.

    Like

  16. Sherry says:

    excellent as always!

    Like

  17. EagleAye says:

    Haha! These are brilliant. #10 is by far my favorite though. It makes sense that even a monkey would get tired of constantly trying to repeal obamacare. If a monkey can figure this out, our republicans must be…ah…not smarter than a fourth-grader?

    Like

  18. Excellent, as ever! I specially loved the bit about Congress accidentally achieving something! Reblogged.

    Like

  19. Reblogged this on Corporate Life 101 and commented:
    Check this out for ‘political’ entertainment that seems to rival and, often beat, corporate humor.

    Like

  20. The Hook says:

    Who needs CNN with you around, X?
    Well done – again!

    Like

  21. How about Jerry Springer for Speaker? At each house session, Jerry could bring down one representative, point out a committed travesty (“He once thought about voting FOR Obamacare!”), and the others could beat the crap out of him.

    Liked by 1 person

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