The last few weeks have been very eventful for Donald Trump: shaky debate performances, a leaked video of Donald Trump bragging about sexually assaulting women, followed by multiple accusations that Donald Trump had sexual assaulted women, Donald Trump’s suggestion that might not concede the result of the election if he loses. On the other hand, all these stories have successfully distracted everyone’s attention from the fact that Donald Trump still hasn’t released any of his tax returns, as all other major party candidates traditionally done for decades, and as Trump himself promised to do. Trump’s official position is that he can’t release his tax returns while they’re being audited by the IRS, even though the IRS said he can. So here are 10 real reasons why Donald Trump still hasn’t released his tax returns.
1) Making a promise and then actually delivering on that promise threatens to damage the reputation Donald Trump has been carefully cultivating these last few decades.
2) He really wants to release his returns, but his tax accountant has has locked herself in her office to avoid being groped.
3) The only online media Donald Trump uses is Twitter, and it would take him 20 years to tweet just one tax return 140 characters at a time.
4) All the tax returns with the “Trump” name on them actually belong to someone else, Trump just licensed his name to be used on them.
5) He is afraid that mainstream media would rig his tax returns so that he’ll owe money to Hillary Clinton.
6) He is concerned that his financial genius reputation may suffer if Americans discover that he was unable to weasel out of paying federal taxes for a couple of years.
7) IRS still hasn’t approved the use of Donald Trump’s marital filing status of “Married, but still get to have sex with any woman I want because I’m a yuuuge star”.
8) He is only a billionaire if his wealth is measured in Russian rubles.
9) He doesn’t feel like he should be filing tax returns at all, because when he becomes president, he will abolish the IRS and will build a big and beautiful wall around it.
10) He doesn’t want to attract any unnecessary attention to his declaring his hairpiece as a dependant, getting medical deduction for hand enlargement surgery, and claiming a tax credit for providing housing to a foreign immigrant for his wife Melania.