10 Reasons Why Florida Will Ban Voters From Using Bathrooms

depends

Adult Depends diapers by Kimberly Clark corporation, official sponsor of the 2014 Florida elections.

If you thought voting was hard, especially in places like Florida where during the 2012 election many voters had to wait in line for several hours, then Florida’s most populous county Miami-Dade just made it even harder. In future elections, voters standing in lines will not be allowed to use the polling place’s bathrooms while waiting for their turn to perform their civil duty. (Yes, I said “duty”.)  Here are 10 reasons why Miami-Dade county has banned voters from using the restrooms.

1)  Voting is your constitutionally protected right. Going to the bathroom is not.

2)  Voters who do make it to the polls after standing in line for several hours without being able to go to the bathroom are expected to complete their voting in about 3 seconds – thus making the voting process much faster for everyone.  And if the lines are still too long, election workers can reduce the lines further by giving out free Ex-Lax samples.

3)  As 2000 election has made clear, Florida voters get easily confused, and may drop their vote in the bathroom stall instead of the voting booth.

4)  After years of Republican efforts to regulate women’s reproductive systems, expanding into regulating everyone’s urinary systems was the next logical step.

5)  Allowing everyone to use the bathroom unfairly discriminated against the people who haven’t eaten in days, and homeless people and anorexic models are two of the largest minority groups in Miami.

6)  People may sneak away to the bathroom and cheat on their ballots by copying each other’s answers.

7)  It’s a good way to weed out all the people with pre-existing medical conditions that require access to a bathroom, because they’re just going to automatically vote for Obama just because Obamacare saved their lives.

8)  Florida is planning to switch to fully electronic voting in all voting precincts, and the pilot program was a success (again, see 2000 election) – except for the pilot polling place’s bathroom where the transition from a paper-based model to a fully electronic one did not go quite so smoothly.

9)  Instead of people standing in one line to vote, there now will be a second line to the bathroom. Having two separate lines will make it impossible to tell who had already voted or who already went to the bathroom, and would encourage both voter and bathroom fraud.

10)  Most polling places are located in schools, and Florida’s election commission decided to respect the established policies in schools which teach abstinence-only bathroom etiquette.

Hat tip to Fifth Column for giving me this unique opportunity to mix politics and bathroom humor.

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 94 Comments

10 Reaction To Supreme Court Decision on Campaign Finance

Voting machine for the future elections. Place your votes here,

Voting machine for the future elections. Place your votes here.

Last week, the United States Supreme Court decreed that the limits of $5,200 in campaign donation to a single candidate, and $123,200 to all candidates in an election cycle are unconstitutional because these limits represent a restriction on the constitutionally protected free speech. The decision made it possible to donate up to $3.6 million during an election cycle. I’m sure many of you felt frustrated by the burdensome regulation that prohibited you from donating more than $123,000 to the candidates of your choice… Not many of you? Wait, not even one of you? Well, apparently someone did feel constrained by these few campaign finance restrictions remaining after Supreme Court’s 2010 Citizens United decision that money equals free speech and that corporations are people. Here are 10 reactions to the latest Court’s decision on campaign finance and free speech.

1)  Vladimir Putin, president of Russia: Thank you, Supreme Court! Thank you! Now I know that don’t have to spend $100-$200 billions to prepare for the new Cold War, I just need $10-$20 billions to buy up all the American politicians and win it.

2)  Average Republican voter:  I’m also happy with this decision. I am absolutely, positively sure that whenever a wealthy job creator gives a few million dollars to a Republican candidate, he does so because he genuinely has my best interests in mind.

3)  Susan P. Stein, curator of Thomas Jefferson museum at Monticello:  We have temporarily suspended all tours to the Jefferson family’s burial plot due to the complaints of some strange noises heard there. It sounds like something is rolling underground.

4)  Republican National Committee:  To celebrate the Supreme Court’s decision, we will hold a special Red Thursday sale on all Republican candidates! Perfect for both running errands and for entertaining your dinner guests with their outrageous antics! Get them while supplies last! And don’t miss this amazing deal: 50% off on all used candidates like Sarah Palin and Mitt Romney!

5)  Lawrence T. Elliot, high-profile criminal defense lawyer:  Since the Supreme Court has established that money is speech, I, instead of bothering to argue a criminal case for my affluent clients in court, will just be able to donate a few million dollars to the judge.

6)  Clarence Thomas, Supreme Court Justice: Unfortunately, our decision still left in place most of the restrictions on the free speech. Look, $3.6 million limit per donor is still an infringement on free speech. Asking donors to disclose their donations - certainly an infringement on free speech. And, finally, making it illegal for politicians to promise special favors in exchange for large donations – well, that sounds a lot like free speech infringement to me.

7)  Armed Patriots For White Power, a militia organization:  This was a very encouraging decision, and it gives us hope that today’s Supreme Courts will soon recognize political assassination as a form of protected free speech.

8)  Republican National Committee: We have been trying to eradicate voter fraud from elections since 2008 - and the Court’s decision has finally offered us the solution to the problem of people just not getting our message and still showing up to vote. Why can’t we just have decide the winner of all future elections by whoever raises the most money?

9)  List of X: I was planning to continue this list to 10 items, but then I realized that my standard of writing exactly 10 numbered items is nothing but a restriction on my free speech, and I’m just not going to stand for it.

19,221.61) So there.

On a personal note… Last Friday, my blogging buddy and Galactic Empire stormtrooper TwinDaddy has made my blog a target of his Stuphblog’s Feature Friday series where he spotlights his favorite bloggers. I was both honored and perplexed that I was even considered for this exclusive club – but what floored me the most is that TwinDaddy actually wrote a list of 10 reasons why you should follow List of X. Since I myself can’t think of a single reason why you should follow me, I suggest that you read them in his post. Please don’t forget to check out his entertaining Stuphblog and follow it, because if you don’t, it means that you do not respect TwinDaddy’s right to free speech and hate the Constitution.

Don’t forget to leave a comment – or just send me a check, because, as you know now, money is speech, too.

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 101 Comments

10 Things Barack Obama And Pope Francis Talked About At Their First-Ever Meeting

President Barack Obama is unsure whether he should bow to the Pope and get criticized for apologizing for America, or not bow to the Pope and get criticized for disrespecting the Catholic Church. (Image source: USA Today)

President Barack Obama is unsure whether he should bow to the Pope and get criticized for apologizing for America, or not bow to the Pope and get criticized for disrespecting the Catholic Church. (Image source: USA Today)

Yesterday, during his visit to Europe, President Barack Obama met for the first time with Pope Francis in an hour-long meeting, which Fox News already called “The Socialist Summit”. Here is the summary of 10 of the things the two world leaders have talked about during their meeting.

1)  The president presented the pope with vegetable seeds in a box made from a reclaimed wood from one of oldest American cathedrals, and explained that if it weren’t for budget cuts, he would have offered Vatican full-grown plants in a brand-new pot.

2)  The pope thanked the president and presented him with a book he had written, to which Obama responded by promising to immediately appoint a Czar in charge of reading the Pope’s book.

3)  Two leaders briefly talked about immigration reform, and Francis revealed that the main reason he became the Pope in Vatican was because he found it impossible to get an American visa.

4)  Barack Obama has mentioned that his March Madness bracket is not doing so well (in fact, Fox News already dubbed it a “major policy failure from which Obama can never recover”). The pontiff replied that his March Madness bracket was perfect so far, and he fully expects God to crush his Final Four opponents Baal, Beelzebub, and Lucifer.

5)  Obama and Francis have discussed a recent informal online referendum in which Venice voted to secede from Italy, and talked about how to prevent Russia from using this referendum as an excuse to annex Venice.

6)  Both leaders shared their concerns about several prominent Republican politicians such as Rick Santorum and Mike Huckabee, who seem to be running for both the United States President’s and the Pope’s jobs at the same time.

7)  The Pope praised Obama for helping give medical coverage to millions of uninsured Americans, but complained that it took him hours to navigate the healthcare exchange to buy health insurance for the Holy See.  However, Pope Francis had objected to Affordable Care Act’s requirement to cover contraception, but added that the cardinals’ girlfriends can probably just get the coverage through their employers.

8)  Both men have expressed concern that fewer people than ever are calling themselves Christian, and that even fewer of those calling themselves Christian actually act like one.

9)  In the spirit of mutual friendship, Pope Francis happily obliged to Barack Obama’s request to renew his “I am not a Muslim” card.

10)  In the end, to lighten the mood, the two men talked about their upcoming vacations, with the Pope excitedly telling how he would spend his vacation in his residence in Northern Italy, and Obama responding that he plans to spend his next vacation being criticized by conservatives for taking too many vacations.

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 100 Comments

10 Ways How Barack Obama Should Get Tough On Russians

While Barack Obama is sitting in his office not being tough on Russia, Vladimir Putin is trying to grab control of the entire Black Sea. Image source: theatlantic . com

While Barack Obama is sitting in his office not being tough on Russia, Vladimir Putin is trying to grab control of the entire Black Sea.
Image source: theatlantic . com

After Russian military occupied Crimea peninsula in Ukraine, most Republican leaders have complained that Barack Obama needs to show strength in dealing with the Russians. (My blogging buddy Elyse of FiftyFourAndAHalf has just featured my guest post retelling such an interview.) Of course, not a single Republican leader is crazy enough to actually propose that we try to invade or bomb Russia – because, unlike Libya, Syria, Iraq, or Afghanistan, Russians just might nuke us back. And according to a recent survey of the American registered voters, “getting nuked by Russia” is polling very poorly – just barely better than the approval rating of the United States Congress. So, short of an actual military involvement, here are 10 ways how Republicans propose Barack Obama should get tough on Russia.

1) Release a photo of somber Obama, to show the Russkies that America is taking this very seriously.  Better yet, make it a shirtless pick, and Photoshop abs and pecs to show our strength.

2) Send a high-level diplomatic delegation to Ukraine. This will show how tough Americans can be – tough enough to brave a first-class flight to Europe.

3) Abolish the Environmental Protection Agency and end all environmental regulations on the American industry. Sure, we’d get tons of pollution, but Russia, with twice the land area, would get hit with twice as much of it.

4) Cut off all American TV satellite feeds to Russia. Left without their favorite shows like Duck Dynasty, Keeping up with Kardashians, and Honey Boo Boo, Russians will take to the streets to overthrow the brutal Putin’s regime.

5) Ban Russian officials from visiting the US and Europe. If Putin kleptocrats want to come and invest their dirty money here, well, tough luck, they just gonna have to use wire transfers.

6) Cut benefits to American veterans. By showing that Obama is willing to get tough on the American soldiers, we will send a clear message to Putin just how tough we could be on the Russian ones.

7) Suspend Russia from the elite industrialized nations club G-8, and if they don’t leave Ukraine immediately, permanently take away Russia’s G-spot.

8) End all discussion and communications with Russia unrelated to the conflict. This means no more liking their Facebook statuses, retweeting their tweets, or tagging them in G-8′s Instagram photos.

9) Propose a UN resolution condemning Russia, so that Russia could veto it, and their veto would expose Russia as huge hypocrites for caring only about Russian interests – unlike, say, the United States.

10) Send Justin Bieber on a tour through Russia, to play concerts until they surrender.

Many thanks to Republican foreign policy hawk, Senator Marco Rubio, for outlining some of these proposals. 

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 71 Comments

10 Reasons Why Russia Is Invading Ukraine

Vladimir Putin has responded to journalist question with "What invasion? I don't hear anybody complaining about any invasion. Now please allow me to defend these cardboard targets."

Vladimir Putin has responded to journalists’ questions about the invasion with “What invasion? I don’t hear anybody complaining about any invasion. Now go away, I’m busy protecting these cardboard targets.”

After recent protests in Ukraine ousted pro-Russian president Viktor Yanukovych, Russian parliament voted to give Russian president Vladimir Putin the authority to use military force to protect ethnic Russians in Crimea peninsula and Eastern Ukraine. As of Sunday, armed Russian-speaking people in unmarked military uniforms have been running around Crimea, surrounding Ukrainian military bases and demanding their surrender, setting up checkpoints, seizing Crimean parliament, while Ukraine has declared a mobilization of its troops – so, apparently, ethnic Russians in Crimea must now be feeling more protected than they ever have. Although Russia hasn’t actually declared a war, or admitted that it has de-facto invaded Ukraine, there’s a very short list of countries with Russian-speaking militaries. Here are 10 reasons why Russia is invading Ukraine.

1) Vladimir Putin is sending Russian military into Ukraine in order to prevent the violence that would be caused by the Russian military’s arrival into Ukraine.

2) Ukrainian flag is yellow and blue, Ukrainians had an Orange revolution – and if Russia doesn’t put an end to this color-adding tendency, it could turn into a full-scale rainbow gay propaganda.

3) Still giddy from Russia’s winning 2014 Sochi Olympics’ medal count, Vladimir Putin is hoping to pad the medal count even more by taking over Ukraine with its two Olympic medals.

4) Russia has found undeniable proof that there are weapons of mass destructions located on Crimea peninsula, specifically on the Russian military base in Sevastopol.

5) Vladimir Putin felt bad for Sarah Palin, who is still being mercilessly mocked for her 2008 Vice Presidential run, and decided to make her 2008 prediction that Russia would invade Ukraine come true, so that she’d finally get to be right for once.

6) This intervention is just another manifestation of Vladimir Putin’s severe mid-life crisis: he got divorced, started dating gymnasts and walking around without a shirt on, and it all began when Vladimir realized that, being the president of Russia, he has already peaked and everything will go downhill from there.

7) If Tea Party ever gets their wish and deposes Barack Obama, Putin wants to be prepared to annex the historically Russian territories of Alaska and Northern California. (That would also make everyone stop joking about Palin’s seeing Russia from her house.)

8) Vladimir Putin was very upset that Barack Obama hasn’t been returning his phone calls.

9) Putin is hoping that after Russia invades Ukraine and restores Yanukovych to power, Ukraine would return the favor and invade Russia, in case Putin has trouble with protesters in Moscow.

10) And the last and most important reason: Mother Russia doesn’t need any reasons to invade anybody.

(Русский перевод тут)

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 93 Comments

10 New Advertising Slogans For Milk

Milk advertising then and now: Taylor Swift in a Got Milk? ad, and... I don't even know what this is now. Taylor Swift is already working on a song about being dumped by the milk industry.

Milk advertising then and now: Taylor Swift in a “Got Milk?” ad, and… and… I don’t even know what this is now.
(According to reliable sources, Swift is already working on a song about being dumped by the milk industry.)

Many of you probably remember the famous “Got Milk?” ads, featuring celebrities with a milk mustache. But this week, the milk producers have announced that they will end the “Got Milk” advertising campaign, since, apparently, this campaign hasn’t been working that well in recently, and less and less milk has been sold every year. In fact, milk’s market share has decreased so much that its picture has began appearing on the milk cartons. The industry is working on new slogans to improve milk’s image, and I’ve decided to help them in this difficult task. Here are 10 suggested advertising slogans for milk.

1) Milk! Just don’t think about where it came from!

2) The only beverage Justin Bieber isn’t drinking!

3) Recommended by 4 out of 5 Santas.

4) Milk! The cool white stuff that you don’t have to shovel!

5) Milk. Great for your health, because our cows’ feed contains 20% antibiotics!

6) Un-crunch your cereal!

7) Contains protein, calcium, and milk!

8) Buy our milk, or we will kill the cow!

9) Occupy milk! Drink the 1%!

10) Time to buy a new carton, because the one in your fridge is probably expired. (And no, we don’t know whether you’re supposed to recycle the empty carton or throw it out, either.)

Disclaimer: Cookies not included. For internal use only. Do not drink warm milk and operate heavy machinery. If wings made of milk start growing on your back, stop using the product and consult a physician immediately.

And since we’re on the subject of health, advertising, and helping others, might as well get serious for a minute… A fellow blogger, Merbear74 of Knocked Over By a Feather, has been suffering from fibromyalgia, and recently her condition had become so bad that she has been unable to work, and may lose her home to unpaid taxes. Go here for her full story and the information how to donate, or just spread the word, if you can.

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , , | 144 Comments

10 Reactions To Arizona’s Anti-Gay Law

Jess

Jesus tells the apostles that they will have to find another restaurant for the Last Supper, because the tavern owner (originally from Arizona) is refusing to serve a bunch of dudes going out for dinner together. (Image from eborg2 . com)

Last week, Arizona’s House of Representatives passed a bill that would allow business owners to deny service to gays and lesbians as long as the business owner professes sincere belief that gays should burn in Hell. The bill has been sent to Arizona’s governor Jan Brewer to be signed, and as the law’s creators explain it, it only seeks to protects business owners’ freedom to live according to their faith, and to make their customers live according to the same faith. Here are 10 reactions to the proposed law.

1)  James Grady, used car salesman from Flagstaff, AZ: “No matter what the law says, I’m not going to discriminate and will sell a car to any customer. However, it would be against my sincerely-held religious conviction to refund the money for a defective car.”

2)  John Kavanagh, Arizona state Representative: “Some people have started comparing this law to the Jim Crow segregation, and I just want to say that this comparison is absolutely ridiculous.  Of course, it’s not like gays would have to use separate drinking fountains. Our state’s budget is very tight and we’re not going to install special water fountains for gays. No, they’re just going to have to carry bottled water.”

3)  Vladimir Putin, president of Russia: “Look, I’m happy that you want to follow our example, but if you’re just going to translate Russia’s anti-gay laws and pass them as your own, you’re going to hear from our lawyer.”

4)  Rick Allenton, small business owner, Tucson: “I’m really excited about a law, because I think gayness is a sin. But I worry that the gays may hide their true identity and pretend to be straight to buy my fishing supplies. I don’t want to discriminate against the honest people. Is there any way we can make the gays to maybe wear a rainbow star on their clothing so that we could tell them apart from the normal people?”

5)  Phoenix Business Association: “We ask Governor Brewer to veto this bill. We fear that the businesses in our state may become a target for boycott by other states, which will likely drive down the economic growth – and this is at the time when our state’s most important industry is basically just a huge hole in the ground.”

6)  Jan Brewer, Governor: “It’s not ok for politician to impose restriction on small business owners and tell them what they can and cannot do.  That’s the responsibility of religion.”

7)  Closets’R’Us, furniture store: “If this law ever goes into effect, we expect a lot of demand for closet space.”

8)  Joe “Big” Otterman, moving company driver: “This law really puts me in a pickle. See, I really want these perverts to move out of my state, but I can’t help them move out because of my religion!”

9)  Mamnoon Hussain, president of Pakistan: “You Americans always call on moderate Muslims to denounce Islamic extremists. So, when your moderate Christians are planning on denouncing your extremists?”

10)  Chad Stevens, LGBT right activist: “The law says it’s ok for business owners to discriminate if their religious belief are sincere. So I’m going to verify the sincerness of their Christian beliefs by slapping their right cheek and watching their reaction.”

2/27/14 update: Governor Brewer has vetoed the bill. Those unfortunate business owners will be forced to find another way to discriminate against gays.

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 106 Comments