10 Reactions To Syrian Refugee Crisis

American protesters are greeting the Syrians with some hate and bigotry, so that the refugees from the civil wars and sectarian violence would feel right at home.

American protesters greeting the Syrians with some hate and bigotry, so that the refugees from the land scarred by the civil wars and sectarian violence would feel right at home.

As a result of the Syrian civil war and various other conflicts, there are over ten million displaced persons worldwide, and recently the United States had offered to accept 10,000 Syrian refugees on humanitarian grounds. However, after recent terrorist attacks in Paris, many American politicians demanded that these Syrian refugees are blocked from entering the country, because the fact that no Syrian refugees were involved in the Paris attacks must mean that they’re just planning to attack somewhere else. The other side of the debate is just as adamant that unless we take the refugees they will radicalize and join ISIS – because it’s logical to expect that the people who are running away from ISIS would be happy to join ISIS. The debate continues to rage, and here are 10 reaction to the refugee crisis.

1) 30 Republican Governors:  “We don’t want any Syrian refugees in our states, not even five-year-olds. Haven’t you been watching the news? It’s like every week there is another story how a five-year-old gets a hold of a gun and shoots someone.”

2) John Kerry, Secretary of State: “We must welcome Syrian refugees, because otherwise they will radicalize and join ISIS. And by taking 10,000 of the refugees into our country, we leave only 14,990,000 potential recruits for ISIS which will surely deprive them of victory.”

3) Salman bin Abdulaziz, king of Saudi Arabia: “We hear that American politicians are criticizing us for not accepting any Syrian refugees. But all your Christian fundamentalists keep saying that the Middle East should become more Christian – and by refusing to take any refugees, we’re doing exactly what Christian America is doing. So why are you still unhappy?”

4) Marco Rubio, Republican senator: “Since we’re at war with radical Islam, we need to close any places that could make Muslims radicalize and hate America, like the mosques or Fox News.”

5) Barack Obama: “We want to help the people who had suffered from war and torture by bringing them here to America, the only country free from wars and torture. Remember, in America, we call it ‘defending our freedom’ and ‘enhanced interrogation’.”

6) Ted Cruz, Republican senator: “We don’t need any more people who are plotting a violent overthrow of American government and plan to turn the country into a theocracy. We here at the Tea Party don’t need no competition.”

7) Howard Woodson, historian: “The media insists that it would be un-American to deny shelter to the Syrian refugees. However, America had exterminated Native Americans, enslaved blacks, banned Chinese, interned Japanese, and condemned Jews to death in WWII. So, in fact, it would be un-American to treat the Syrians as human beings.”

8) Jeb Bush, Republican presidential candidate: “Yeah, the State Department insists that they would vet every refugee. However, the problem with the vetting process is that inevitably, some people might actually make it through the vetting process.”

9) John Brennan, CIA director: “All refugee candidates will go through a rigorous 18 to 24 month vetting process, with background checks, dozens of forms to be filed, and multiple interviews with DHS, State Department, USCIS, CIA, NSA, FBI, IRS, DMV, etc.. Unfortunately, that’s more than sufficient to fill every admitted refugee with burning hatred for American bureaucracy and America in general.”

10) Statue of Liberty: “It says in my book, ‘Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free’, and so on. But I am just an immigrant from Europe myself, so since when does my opinion matter?”

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10 Minor Changes Republican Presidential Candidates Want To Make To Future Debates

Reportedly, the Republican candidates are now forming a labor union to use the power of collective bargaining.

Reportedly, the Republican candidates are now forming a labor union with the slogan “Presidential candidates of the world, unite!”

Last week, CNBC channel had hosted the third Republican presidential debate, and the candidates haven’t been too happy with the way the network handled it. Nearly every campaign has complained how unfair questions from the debate moderators did not allow the candidates to showcase their toughness, readiness to face the challenges, and the idea of personal responsibility.  So the Republican campaigns got together and decided to issue a list of demands that TV networks would have to meet if they ever hope to host any future debates. Here are 10 very minor changes that Republican candidates would like TV networks to make in the future debates.

1)  Fact checkers should not be allowed to fact-check candidates’ statements, and if they even show up in the audience, should be arrested for trying to influence an election.

2)  No “gotcha questions” will be allowed, such as any questions related to economy, foreign policy, or social issues.

3)  Every debate moderator must be male, because no woman should be allowed to question Republican candidates, and should just vote as her husband tells her to.

4)  When asking a question, a debate moderator must stand on his knees and not make eye contact with any of the candidates. He must refer to each candidate as “Master” or “Your Grace”.

5)  The temperature in the hall must be kept under 67 degrees F, so that there would be no reason for anybody to bring up global warming.

6)  Each candidate should have equal speaking time during the debate. None of that “inequality is the engine of growth” idiocy should be applied to any of the candidates.

7)  TV cameras must not show any of the candidates from behind, especially when a candidate is consulting his or her notes, or is responding to his or her puppet strings.

8)  TV cameras should not show any close ups of the audience unless at least one black person is visible on the screen. TV camera must not pan over from one audience section to the next until the black person had already moved to that next section.

9)  The debate should last no more than two hours, allow all fifteen Republican candidates to be on stage, and give each of them at least 30 minutes of speaking time. Oh, and don’t bother arguing that these numbers don’t add up – the candidates have been using the same math in all Republican budgets for ages so it’s got to work.

10)  At least 20 minutes should be set aside for burning effigies of Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton.

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10 Outrageously Offensive Halloween Costumes That No One Should Ever Wear Again

The latest offensive outfit, worn by one of the many offsprings of the Kardashian clan. It's hard to say what's more offensive: whether it's the fact that the outfit was called an "Eskimo", or whether no one whether

The latest offensive outfit, worn by one of the many offsprings of the Kardashian clan.
It’s hard to say what’s more offensive: whether it’s the fact that the outfit was called an “Eskimo”, or whether in Eskimo language this would even be called an “outfit”, or whether it’s the fact that a Kardashian is wearing it.

There are many well-known traditions associated with Halloween – carving pumpkins, decorating houses, trick-or-treating, and wearing costumes to Halloween parties. Most of those traditional activities take place on or before Halloween, but there is a relatively recent traditional Halloween activity that takes place immediately after Halloween, namely, looking at the photos of people wearing Halloween costumes and getting outraged about this or that disgraceful Halloween costume being offensive for this or that legitimate reason. Since there are so many different Halloween costumes that can be offensive, here is a list of 10 especially offensive costumes that you should never wear again, and must immediately burn in a fire (started with fair trade organic firewood, of course).

1)  Princess costume: This pretentious costume perpetuates the sham of wealth inequality and absolutist trampling of human rights.

2)  Any costume involving “blackface” (painting the face black to look like African American): This applies to “blackfacing” even a part of a face, such as applying mascara, dark eye shadow or black lipstick.

3)  A costume of any superhero: Unquestionably, any superhero costume is demeaning to regular cowards.

4)  Ghost or Zombie costume: These costumes promote objectification of dead people. Dead people are people, too, and should never be seen as objects.

5)  Cowboy costume: This costume glorifies the murder of Native Americans and destruction of Native American culture, and therefore offensive to Native Americans – as opposed to the Native American costume which is offensive to Native Americans because it mocks the Native American culture. I realize this is confusing, but according to the modern standards of cultural tolerance it is inconceivable that anyone could possibly want to glorify the Native American culture.

6)  Peanuts character costume: Offensive to any person with allergies.

7)  Pirate costume: Since today’s piracy is a big problem off the coast of Africa, a pirate costume is obviously racist.

8)  Luke Skywalker costume: This costume sets unrealistic expectation in boys and teaches them that all problems can be solved by using the force.

9)  Elf, Hobbit, Dwarf, or any other Lord of The Rings-related costume: These reprehensible costumes celebrate the genocide against the Orcs and the near complete eradication of the Orc culture.

10)  Red Riding Hood: This costume manages to be insensitive at once to color-blind people, wolf enthusiasts, vegetarians, and people with gluten intolerance.

Feel free to add more offensive costumes to the list, or, if you don’t know why a certain outfit is offensive, ask me and I will try to explain.


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10 Reactions To Joe Biden’s Decision Not To Run For President

A rare photo of President Barack Obama and Vice President Joseph Biden engaged in the White House Whitest Smile contest. Image source: Wikipedia

A rare photo of President Barack Obama and Vice President Joseph Biden engaged in the White House’s Whitest Smile contest.
Image source: Wikipedia

The 2016 presidential election campaign has been in full swing for the last several months, with dozens of officially declared candidates (mostly Republican). And while there is some serious competition in the Republican primary, most of the intrigue in the Democratic primary stemmed from the question whether sitting Vice President Joe Biden will declare himself as a candidate or not. For the last several months, this question was subject to intense speculation, until finally this Wednesday, Biden has officially announced that he is not running. Here are 10 reactions to Joe Biden’s decision.

1)  Barack Obama:  “I think Joe made a right decision. The country, and I, need him here, in Washington, doing his job – sitting in a locked office and waiting for me to drop dead.”

2)  Jill Biden, wife of Joseph Biden:  “It was a very difficult time for both of us, but ultimately, Joe had to make a decision not to run, when after several months of trying, he still couldn’t find his birth certificate.”

3)  CNN:  “According to our survey of registered voters conducted right after the Vice President’s announcement, Biden’s support has fallen from 18% to 15%, which is a telling sign that Biden’s candidacy might be in trouble.”

4)  John Boehner, Speak of the House of Representatives:  “Well, I hope this means that Joe is considering the job of the House Speaker that I will be leaving in a few weeks, and for which there is no replacement yet. To sweeten the deal, I’ll even throw in my personal stationery which I had already monogrammed with his initials, JB.”

5)  Hillary Clinton:  “I think Joe made the right decision. It was only because I chose to run for president that I became the target of a Republican witch hunt, and had to turn over thousands of my e-mails. And if Joe had chosen to run too, he would have lost every shred of privacy, and would have to turn over all his telegrams and carrier pigeons.”

6)  Donald Trump:  “Honestly, I’m glad Biden’s out. He’s the only one who even had a chance against me. So that just leaves Hillary, and as most of my ex-wives know, I’m really good at beating women.”

7)  God:  “I was going to call Joseph to tell him to run for president, like I tell all the other candidates – it’s just common courtesy, you know? But I gotta tell you, it’s me-damn impossible to get to anybody through the White House switchboard! Oh, which reminds me – does anybody know how to set up robocalls so I could make automated mass phone calls to the Republican candidates?”

8)  Steve Ricchetti, Vice President’s chief of staff:  “Vice President Biden is not someone who makes rash decisions. We have considered every option, looked at every angle, and the decision to not run in 2016 was the the best possible decision. But don’t discount the Vice President yet, because he is still considering a decision on whether he should run in the 2012 election.”

9)  Glenn Beck, professional conspiracy theorist:  “Joe Biden’s announcement that he’s not running could only mean one thing: Biden is sure that his position in the White House is already safe. And this means what? This undoubtedly means that Obama WILL declare himself a DICTATOR in the next few months and will send EVERY white Christian to FEMA concentration camps!!!”

10)  Joseph Biden, Vice President:  “I said I’m not running? What a bunch of malarkey!… Wait, seriously, I did? Crap.”

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 24 Comments

10 Reasons Why Donald Trump Would Be A Very, Very Good President

"I will make America great again even if I have to bankrupt it and make it terrible first!" Image source: BusinessInsider

“I will make America great again even if I first have to bankrupt it and make it awful!”
Image source: BusinessInsider

This week Democratic Party had its first primary debate, and a lot of attention has been given to the endless discussions whether Hillary Clinton won the debate, or whether Bernie Sanders did, or who exactly were those other three people on the debate stage. In fact, the mainstream media has been so distracted by the Democratic debate that it seems to have lost its focus and forgot what this election is really about – and what this election is really about is Donald Trump. At least, according to the opinion of Donald Trump, who is currently the only candidate in any party qualified to be president – again, according to the opinion of Donald Trump. So, here are 10 reasons why Donald Trump will be the best president ever.

1)  Donald Trump’s experience in hosting a reality show for 14 years gives Donald Trump a strong grasp of reality.

2)  Donald Trump has declared bankruptcy several times and emerged even richer each time. With 18 Trillion dollars in debt and barely any hope of ever paying all back, the country needs someone like Trump to wipe out the debt through bankruptcy, spin off a few under-performing states, and become even stronger.

3)  Donald Trump’s experience with Miss America pageant proves that he is able to make tough decisions and select the most qualified candidates to represent America on the international stage.

4)  Having married and divorced several foreign-born wives, Donald Trump had first-hand experienced the pain of hard-working Americans having to financially support immigrant moochers, which was only slightly mitigated by the prenuptial agreements.

5)  Donald Trump is a top-rate negotiator, who can and will negotiate with anyone – Iranians, terrorists, mafia. He may even break long-standing congressional policy on never negotiating with the Democrats.

6)  Donald Trump is very, very rich, and if the country ever ran into any financial trouble, he could easily spot the country a few hundred bucks.

7)  Donald Trump knows how to market real estate better than anyone, and can finally make the White House profitable.

8)  According to Donald Trump, Donald Trump “will be phenomenal to women”. Women to whom Donald Trump will be phenomenal will be rigorously selected for their looks and willingness to sign a nondisclosure agreement.

9)  Donald Trump will tell it like it is, which will save government agencies the trouble of maintaining and safeguarding any classified documents.

10)  Donald Trump is the best possible job creator and will create tens of millions on just his Inauguration day. Because who can possibly be better at creating jobs than a guy whose catchphrase is “You’re fired!”?


Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 65 Comments

10 Reasons Why Republicans Postponed Speaker Election

Outgoing Speaker John Boehner is just so happy that he won't have to do this crappy job anymore.

Outgoing Speaker John Boehner is just so happy that he won’t have to do this crappy job anymore.

A couple of weeks ago, Republican John Boehner, Speaker of the House of Representatives, announced his retirement, and this Thursday the Republican party was scheduled to have a closed party election to fill the position. However, the election has been indefinitely postponed. Supposedly, the reason for delay was that the House Majority leader Kevin McCarthy, who was widely expected to win the election, unexpectedly withdrew from the race yesterday: McCarthy had admitted that the purpose of Benghazi investigations was to lower Hillary Clinton’s poll numbers, and this unfortunate episode of truth-speaking called McCarthy’s political competence into question. However, this wasn’t the only reason, and here are 10 other reasons why the vote was postponed.

1)  Every Republican politician who could have been interested in the Speaker job is already running for president.

2)  The Republican Party has other priorities – the government isn’t going to shut down itself, you know.

3)  Since Americans deserve to see a fresh new face in the Speaker role, several leading candidates are busy getting their plastic surgeries.

4)  Before Republicans elect the next Speaker, they want to research the possibility of putting any potential Speaker’s speech on a seven second delay.

5)  The Speaker is second in line for the presidency, immediately after the Vice President, and no Republican wants to become Joe Biden’s Joe Biden.

6)  Having an elected Speaker may cause the House of Representatives to accidentally accomplish something.

7)  Being the Speaker involves a lot of handshakes with Barack Obama, which means a high probability of getting Islamo-communist cooties.

8)  Many Republican congressmen are so used to voting against everything, that they were having trouble figuring out how to vote for something.

9)  Republicans realized that there is a potential for widespread voter fraud, and if it’s not addressed immediately, Democratic congresspeople would be able to vote in the Speaker election.

10)  Since the job of the Speaker mostly consists of banging a gavel and holding pointless bi-weekly votes to repeal Obamacare, it was decided that a trained monkey could do the job. However, the monkey training hit a snag when the monkey began questioning the value of these Obamacare votes.

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10 Reasons Why United States Is Improving Relations With Cuba

In their face-to-face meeting, Raul Castro expressed optimism for greater co-operation between two countries, then discreetly pointed out to Mr. Obama that his fly is undone. Image credit: Washington Times

In their face-to-face meeting, Raul Castro expressed optimism for greater co-operation between two countries, and discreetly pointed out to Mr. Obama that his fly is undone.
Image credit: Washington Times

During the past few months, relations between Cuba and United States have suddenly improved: the U.S. has removed Cuba from the list of sponsors of terrorism, eased travel restrictions, both countries have re-established diplomatic relations, and this week president Barack Obama met with Cuban president Raul Castro – with all that happening after fifty years of embargo and multiple halfhearted attempts to assassinate Cuban leader Fidel Castro. In fact, if the things continue at the rate they are going now, a year from now Cuba and America will be drunk-texting each other at 3am, and the calls between the nations’ leaders will end in “you hang up first! – no, you hang up first! – no, you hang up!” So what’s behind the sudden warming up of US-Cuban relationship? Here are 10 possible reasons.

1)  This was yet another unpredictable effect of global warming.

2)  After 54 years of American efforts to expand the blockade, it became clear that the no one was willing to help the US in isolating Cuba, except for the Caribbean Sea and the Gulf of Mexico.

3)  Barack Obama finally got tired of Republicans calling him a socialist, and decided to give them an example what actual socialism looks like.

4)  The American politics is so messed up that is easier to open the whole island, than to close the Guantanamo military base on the island.

5)  If Iran’s example is any indication, keeping the sanctions on Cuba increases the risk that Cuba will develop its own nuclear bomb.

6)  With 2016 elections coming up soon, the White House has to scrounge up some extra ambassadorships to entice potential donors.

7)  With demand for oil plummeting, someone has to buy all that extra oil to keep the prices from falling further.

8)  Raul Castro promised Obama that in exchange for ending the sanctions, Cuba will take back Cuban-American presidential candidates Marco Rubio and Ted Cruz.  (For a few billion dollars in aid, Castro agreed to take Donald Trump, too.)

9)  Cuba’s poor human rights record stopped being a hurdle once State Department realized that if the United States were to actually let human rights determine its policy, the U.S. would have to impose sanctions on Texas and Louisiana.

10)  With open borders and multiple direct flights to Cuba, it would be much easier to send someone to finally kill Fidel Castro.

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 43 Comments