10 Tips On How To Survive A Snowstorm

snowstorm2Right now, a major snowstorm is pounding Northeast of the United States, with up to 36 inches of snow expected in less than two days. (For those readers who live in the countries with metric system, this is just short of a meter, and for those readers who live in Canada, this is just short of average.) Since this blizzard is expected to be one of the biggest snowstorms of the last few decades, proper preparation is crucial. Here are 10 tips on how to survive this snowstorm.

1)  Stockpile salt, shovels, snacks, stews, sweaters, socks, sleeping bags, snowshoes, skis, and any other stuff starting with the letter “S”.

2)  For your safety, stay off the roads. If you have had any experience driving alongside New York or Boston drivers, you know that this advice is relevant in any weather.

3)  Entertain yourself by using your smartphone and Internet to post status updates and rants on how science is wrong about the global warming and how it has never been even the least bit useful for anything.

4)  Invest in a snow-blower. During the snowstorm, the price of the snow-blowers skyrockets and if you cash in at the right time, you could earn a tidy return on your money.

5)  Stay warm. The best way to stay warm is to be active, and shoveling snow out of your driveway, then jumping out of the way as a passing snowplow pushes the snow right back into your driveway, then shoveling the snow back into the street, and so on, and so on, is a perfect way to stay warm because it will easily keep you active for 30-40 hours or more.

6)  Make sure to stockpile plenty of extra ice for the refrigerator, because if your house loses power, there’ll be no place to get more ice in the middle of a blizzard.

7)  Keep your phone, tablet, and laptop turned off to save the battery for emergencies, and also because no one needs to see your Tweets, Facebook posts, and Instagram photos of snow. And yes, I am aware that no two snowflakes are alike.

8)  Buy plenty of food for your pet. Trust me, you will not regret this when you run out of food before your pet does.

9)  Since it’s now too late to do anything for this snowstorm, make a mental note to properly prepare for the next one.

10)  Suddenly recall this mental note several hours after the start of the next snowstorm.

What about you? Do you have any suggestions or Instagram pictures of pretty snowflakes?

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 59 Comments

10 Reasons Why Mitt Romney Is Running For President. Again

Mitt Romney's 2016 campaign logo.

Mitt Romney’s 2016 campaign logo.

The 2016 election campaign has unofficially began, and several prominent politicians have been strongly hinting that they are going to run for president in 2016. Surprisingly, one of the people who decisively kicked of the “I’m-thinking-about-considering-the-launch-of-the-exploratory-process-of-starting-the-research-committee-to-evaluate-the-possibility-of-potential-involvement-in-a-presidential-run” game was the 2012 presidential contender Mitt Romney, one-term governor of Massachusetts and a lifelong one-percenter. This would be Romney’s third attempt, and he is planning to make poverty the focus of his campaign. Here are 10 reasons why Mitt Romney is running for president again.

1)  Retirement is boring, and there doesn’t seem to be anything good on Netflix.

2)  Mitt’s wife Ann had already bought some really nice curtains for the Oval Office in 2012, and it would be a shame to waste them.

3)  Romney’s chances are much better in 2016 because unlike the last time, practically no one will vote for Barack Obama in 2016.

4)  According to Fox News, it’s only because Romney didn’t become president that ISIS even exists, and if Romney were to run the country, ISIS would instantly disappear. If you don’t believe me, consider this: today Mitt Romney owns five or six houses, and there’s no ISIS in any of them.

5)  Romney’s campaign theme of poverty reflects the fact that his own wealth dipped and a $400,000 presidential salary could really come in handy when paying off five different mortgages.

6)  Mitt Romney would do all he can to help oil and coal companies and other CO2 producers, and right now, in the middle winter, global warming is starting to sounds like a pretty good idea.

7)  His frequent flyer miles will expire unless he flies 1,000,000 miles by November 2016.

8)  Compared to other campaign favorites Hillary Clinton (wife of president Bill Clinton) and Jeb Bush (brother of president George W. Bush), Mitt Romney does seem like a fresh new face.

9)  Having already run multiple presidential campaign gave Mitt useful campaigning experience which will be even more valuable in 2016 – and even more valuable in 2020, 2024, 2028, 2032, 2036, and any future elections.

10)  During his campaign, Mitt Romney promised to bring unemployment rate to 6% by 2016. If he managed to bring it down to 5.6% today while not even being elected, imagine how much further he could lower the unemployment rate if he were elected?

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 50 Comments

10 Reactions To Charlie Hebdo Terror Attack

This Islamic prophet asked to remain anonymous, ashamed of the things that radicals do in his name. Original image source:  Jyllands-Posten

This Islamic prophet had asked to remain anonymous, ashamed of the horrible things that radicals do in his name.
Original image source: Jyllands-Posten

Last week, a couple of Islamic extremists attacked the headquarters of French satirical magazine Charlie Hebdo and killed 12 people in retaliation for publishing cartoons mocking prophet Muhammad – because Islamic teachings prohibits any images of Muhammad, and every person on Earth, Muslim or not, is apparently, expected to follow this rule. Few recent terrorist attacks have been as high-profile and as controversial as this one, and here are 10 of the reactions to the attack on Charlie Hebdo magazine.

1)  Rush Limbaugh, amateur Islamologist: All Muslims must apologize for this heinous act! Just follow the lead of Barack Obama – he’s obviously a Muslim and he goes on apology tours all the time!

2)  Anjem Choudary, Muslim cleric: Once again, the West must keep in mind that Islam is a religion of peace. Which means that unless you accept Islam, don’t expect any peace, either.

3) National Rifle Association: This wouldn’t have happened if everyone had been armed. The good guy with a gun can stop a bad guy with a gun. The right to own a gun and defend yourself is a sacred right of every American. Ermmm… sorry, what were you asking about?

4) CNN: Our organization made a decision that re-publishing Charlie Hebdo’s cartoons of prophet Muhammad is not consistent with our journalistic standards. Our journalistic standards require that we don’t offend anyone with our reporting, so from now on CNN will only be publishing pictures of kittens and puppies.

5) Prophet Muhammad: Oh yeah, absolutely, any image of me is a big no-no. I’m telling ya, even my iPhone wouldn’t even let me take a selfie!

6) Ayatollah Khamenei, Islamic leader of Iran: This is all the fault of Western cartoonists who defame our beloved Prophet. Why don’t moderate Western cartoonists stand up and denounce the actions of the radical cartoonists?

7) Philippe Perron, director of France’s Prison Administration: We’re a little upset that the terrorists who attacked Charlie Hebdo weren’t captured alive, because we had already prepared a perfect lockup to hold them – a cell in which every wall is covered with cartoons of prophet Muhammad.

8) Fox News: Why didn’t Barack Obama show up at a Paris rally supporting Charlie Hebdo? Why hasn’t he ordered to bomb France as soon as he heard that Charlie Hebdo is under attack? Why did it take him a whole of fifteen minutes to call this attack an act of terror?? What is he hiding? And most importantly, why hasn’t Obama resigned over his role in this attack yet????

9) Pope Francis: People cannot insult the faith of others! And because Islamic faith finds images of any prophet offensive, I’ve asked all churches to take down all images of Jesus, Moses, Abraham, and anyone else Muslims might someday find insulting.

10)  Ben Affleck, actor and Islamophobia-phobe: These terrorists are not representative of Islam at all! 99.99% of Muslims are peaceful, and millions of them are probably showing up all over the Middle East to protest against the Charlie Hebdo murders done in the name of Islam… wait, no one showed up?  See, that just means these peaceful Muslims are so peaceful that they abhor any kind of confrontation, even one as innocent as a protest!

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 65 Comments

10 Reasons Why Agent 007 Cannot Possibly Be Black

According to Rush Limbaugh, only one of these people looks like James Bond.

According to Rush Limbaugh, only one of these people looks anything like James Bond.

There are few time-honored traditions that aren’t meant to be broken, such as the sun coming up every morning, or Santa Claus having a beard, or an American president being white (well, until recently). And a white actor playing Agent 007 has been one of these proud traditions. So when one of the leaked Sony Pictures’ executive’s e-mails contained a suggestion to make British actor Idris Elba the next Agent 007 James Bond, quite a few people became upset with this idea, because in Ian Fleming’s book James Bond is Scottish, and Idris Elba is, let’s face it, British. Oh, and black. This was the objection of the conservative talk show host Rush Limbaugh, who insisted that a black Briton Idris Elba shouldn’t be playing Bond, because that would wouldn’t be true to Fleming’s story. So here are 10 reasons why James Bond shouldn’t be played by Idris Elba, or any other black actor for that matter.

001)  James Bond is a fictional character and Idris Elba is real.

002)  A drastic change from a white to black hero would leave the audiences shaken, not stirred.

003)  Like some other famous black people, black Agent 007 would always have to have his birth certificate ready to prove that he really is Bond, James Bond.

004)  Because every secret agent in every spy movie is white, no one can possibly expect a black man to be a secret agent – which is why everyone should and would suspect him of being a secret agent.

005)  While riding in his shiny BMW supercar, black Agent 007 would constantly get pulled over by the police eager to know what a man like him is doing in such an expensive car in such a nice neighborhood. As you can imagine, this would make car chase scenes nearly impossible.

006)  According to FBI statistics, black secret agents are 31 times more likely to get killed by villains that the white ones.

007)  If James Bond suddenly becomes black instead of white, Bond’s moral character would instantly become an huge issue considering that as James Bond he had likely sired and left fatherless dozens of children with various Bond Girls.

008)  Police are much more tolerant of white people carrying guns than black ones, and a black 007 better hope they don’t find his license to kill during a routine stop-and-frisk.

009)  Since most Bond villains are white and probably racist, they would not trust black Agent 007 enough to tell him all the details of their evil plans just before Bond’s escape.

010)  When black James Bond saves the world, everyone is going to assume that he succeeded only because of the affirmative action.

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 66 Comments

10 Reasons Why North Korean Internet Broke Down

"Where is my Internet???" "I can't find it..."  "Well, Google it!!"

“Where is my Internet???”
“I can’t find it…”
“Well, Google it!!”

A few days ago, the FBI identified North Korea as the party responsible for hacking and blackmailing Sony Pictures in order to prevent the release of the movie The Interview mocking North Korean leader Kim Jong Un. And this Monday, all of internet in North Korea mysteriously stopped working for 9 hours. The most shocking part of this story is, obviously, the fact that North Korea actually had working internet. Since the United States isn’t taking responsibility for this action, here are 10 other reasons why internet stopped working in North Korea.

1)  Upon hearing the news that Sony won’t be releasing the movie about their beloved Dear Leader, all of dozens North Korean internet users scrambled to download the movie off the internet and overwhelmed the North Korean servers.

2)  North Korea changed their internet provider to Comcast.

3)  The North Korean official responsible for censoring the Internet during those 9 hours had called in sick.

4)  Some guy living in South Korea near the North Korean border changed his WiFi password.

5)  North Korea had blocked pornography and Facebook, only to realize hours later that this was all what their internet was being used for.

6)  Due to the same targeting problem plaguing most of North Korean rocket launches, North Korean hackers accidentally hacked their own country.

7)  North Korea is so far behind the rest of the world technologically, that they just stumbled on Y2K bug this week.

8)  After using the internet to hack into Western countries, North Korean generals ordered their subordinates to scrub the internet with hot water and soap to wash off any capitalist contamination.

9)  Sony Pictures is fighting back by releasing the movie and counter-hacking North Korea. And you know there is hope for all of us, when you see a soulless corporation take on an inhuman dictatorship.

10)  And finally, Kim Jong Un has decided to follow the example of another Kim, but unlike her, actually deliver on her promise:

Kim

P.S. Uh-oh. I think I’m getting hacked next…

P.P.S. Sony is releasing The Interview! Yay! It is now a patriotic duty of every American to watch and pretend to enjoy this movie!

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 44 Comments

10 Etiquette Rules For Sasha And Malia Obama

"Omigawd, can he pardon that stupid bird already!" Image source: Dailymail

“Omigawd, can he pardon that stupid bird already?”
Image source: Dailymail

This Thanksgiving weekend, President Obama has pardoned a turkey in a traditional ceremony. However, it wasn’t the President or the turkey who attracted the most attention, but the President’s daughters, Sasha, 13, and Malia, 16, who were visibly frowning and fidgeting throughout the entire televised ceremony. In fact, one Republican political staffer became so incensed by Sasha and Malia’s demeanor and clothing choices, that she posted an angry Facebook rant chastising their behavior and appearance, was immediately criticized for it, apologized, and finally resigned from her job. (So thanks a lot, Sasha and Malia, for piling on even more American job losses). And since the First Daughters would have to face TV cameras many more times in the future, here are 10 new etiquette rules Sasha and Malia must follow to avert any possible Republican outrage about their disrespectful and un-American attitude and attire.

1)  While present at any official functions, you must never act as if you’re bored. Instead, you must always show that you’re outraged by your father’s tyrannical actions. This should not be hard since this is a normal teenager behavior.

2)  You must always wear clothing as modest and non-revealing as possible. A burqa or a niqab would be a good start.

3)  You must always wear an American flag pin to demonstrate your allegiance to the nation. And since this pin might not be visible when you turn away, you must wear another American flag pin on your back, and two more on your shoulders.

4)  You should never stay out too late, and always be home on time. This is one rule you are not taking seriously at all, because you two, and all of your family were supposed to have been back to your home in Chicago by 2012 at the latest.

5)  Do not ever throw temper tantrums. That’s what Congressional Republicans are here for.

6)  No playing on your cell phones, texting, tweeting, or Facebooking while you’re on TV. This is important, because Internet users will notice you tweeting, and will start tweeting about you tweeting, and if you also start tweeting about the Internet tweeting about you tweeting, this would will create an ever-expanding Internet tweetback loop which could bring down the entire Internet.

7)  You should never argue with adults. Always remember, adults are always right and know better than you or your dad.

8)  If you have done anything wrong, you must apologize. However, since apologizing makes America look weak, you will then have to apologize for making America look weak, then apologize for apologizing, and so on.

9)  No one told you to stop apologizing and move on the next advice. Go back to #8, but not before you’re done apologizing for ceasing your apologizing too early.

10)  To represent the “real” America, you should try to look as white as possible, and judging by your recent photos, you’re not trying hard enough.

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 104 Comments

10 Reactions To Results Of 2014 Election

Last Tuesday, United States followed a time-honored tradition of expressing dissatisfaction with one politician who isn’t up for re-election by voting against completely different politicians – or, as it’s normally called, “a mid-term election”. As a result of this disastrous for Democrats election, Republican captured the majority in the Senate and won larger majority in the House of Representatives than they had in decades – which will leave president Barack Obama mostly vetoing legislation rather than signing it into law. Here are 10 reactions to the results of the election.

1)  Mitch McConnell, presumed new Senate majority leader: “Now that the Republican party controls the Senate, I pledge to work more closely with president Obama and block even more of his agenda.”

2)  Harry Reid, former Democratic Senate majority leader: “From 2008 to 2014, Republican minority has been filibustering everything in the Senate, and we’re looking forward to finally put into good use everything Republicans taught us about the filibuster.”

3) Ted Cruz, Republican Senator: “We had 50 unsuccessful votes to repeal Obamacare in the House, and due to intransigence of Harry Reid, the Senate never once voted on these bills. Now that we have a majority in the Senate, we’re looking forward to finally having 50 Senate votes to repeal Obamacare.”

4)  Jeff Bezos, CEO of Amazon.com: “According to our data, for some unknown reason, in the last few days on our site the most-searched-for product has been ‘veto pens’.”

5) Fox News: “This election is a clear repudiation of Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, and Chelsea Clinton, in case she decides to run in 20-30 years.”

6)  Steve Ricchetti, Chief of Staff of Vice President Joseph Biden: “This is just a one bad election, Mr. Vice President. Now please, please, I beg you, step away from that ledge!”

7)  Reince Priebus, Republican party chairman: “I think the presidential hopeful Senator Ted Cruz is a biggest winner in this election. Compared to some new people elected this Tuesday, he now seems a perfectly sane and rational candidate.”

8)  President Barack Obama:  “Judging by the results of this election, I now know that I can make any Democratic politician do whatever I want by threatening to come to their state and campaign for them.”

9)  Nate Silver, election expert: “I think voters are tired of gridlock. And what better way for voters to demonstrate that they are tired of gridlock than by overwhelmingly voting to increase the minimum wage in their states while electing as governor the worst possible candidate to let that increase happen?”

Joe, average registered voter: “I didn’t vote because I think both parties are equally bad. I don’t remember their exact names, but I’m pretty sure they are all the same.”

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 55 Comments