10 Easy Questions For The Republican Presidential Debates

This is how the stage of the Republican debate would look like if all candidates were allowed to participate.

This is how the stage of the Republican debate would look like if all candidates were allowed to participate.

The 2016 presidential campaign is now in full swing, and there already seem to be at least several hundred Republicans who have declared that they are running for president – Jeb Bush, Ben Carson, Chris Christie, Ted Cruz, Carly Fiorina, Lindsey Graham, Bobby Jindal, Mike Huckabee, John Kasich, George Pataki, Rand Paul, Rick Perry, Marco Rubio, Rick Santorum, Donald Trump, Scott Walker, just to name a few. To manage the onslaught of the candidates, Fox News, which is hosting the first Republican primary debate on August 6, has already limited the debate to top 10 candidates. (I guess Fox is working on its own list of 10…) However, even with just 10 candidates Fox will face a challenge in how to give every one of them an opportunity to give an extended answer to all the debate questions. It seems that the only reasonable way to do so would be to conduct the debate by asking every question in multiple choice form. So here are 10 proposed multiple-choice questions for the debate.

1)  On the scale from 1 to 10, how much do you hate Barack Obama?
a) 9;
b) 10;
c) All of the above, i.e., 19;
d) I hate the fact that you even bring up Barack Obama.

2)  What is your position on climate change?
a) Climate change is a hoax;
b) Climate change is a natural phenomena, it’s not man-made;
c) Don’t ask me, I’m not a scientist… and don’t you ask the scientists, either;
d) So what if the ice is melting? These polar bears should just get their act together and find real jobs.

3)  How would you reduce the budget deficit?
a) Cut taxes;
b) Cut taxes;
c) Cut taxes;
d) Cut taxes, if it doesn’t work, cut taxes again.

4)  What is your position on immigration?
a) Deport all illegal immigrants;
b) Deport all immigrants;
c) Deport all non-white people, gays, minorities, single women, liberals, college students, and so on;
d) Cut taxes.

5)  Do you agree with Donald Trump calling Mexicans murderers, drug dealers, and rapists?
a) I agree with Donald Trump;
b) I disagree with Donald Trump saying this out loud;
c) The Republican party must reach out to Hispanics and explain to them that Donald Trump is right;
d) I am Donald Trump.

6)  How would you deal with Iranian nuclear threat?
a) Bomb them;
b) Bomb them to the ground;
c) I will consider all options, then bomb them to the ground;
d) Bomb them to the ground, then rebuild Iran as a strong democracy, then once again bomb them to the ground.

7)  With so many candidates running, what make you different from the other candidates?
a) I am not a politician;
b) I am a Senator, but since I don’t do anything useful in the Senate, I’m essentially not a politician;
c) I have a birthmark under my left knee;
d) I am Donald Trump.

8)  How can you put a stop to Russian aggression in Ukraine?
a) By showing strength;
b) By showing toughness;
c) By showing fortitude;
d) By showing the entire thesaurus page with the full list of synonyms for the word “strength”.

9)  What is your position on abortion?
a) No abortions for anyone, ever;
b) Allow abortions only in the cases of rape, and only with a notarized affidavit from the rapist stating that the rape was legitimate;
c) Allow abortions only in the cases where a fetus is an illegitimate child of a Republican politician;
d) Require transvaginal ultrasounds to all women even thinking about abortion, whether they’re pregnant or not.

10)  Why did you decide to run for president?
a) God told me to run;
b) My family told me to run;
c) My personal trainer told me to run;
d) My hair told me to run.

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 75 Comments

10 Better Ways To Prevent Iran From Making A Nuclear Bomb

The most commonly proposed plan looked pretty much like this.

The most commonly proposed plan looked pretty much like this.

Last week, United States, Germany, France, Russia, and China have signed a deal with Iran which is supposed to make it harder for Iranians to build a nuclear bomb in exchange for easing sanctions against them. The agreement has been criticized by the Republicans in the US and Israel as a “bad deal”, and supporters of the deal insist that there isn’t any better way to stop Iran from going nuclear. Well, that’s obviously not true, because here are 10 people with their extremely realistic alternative proposals to prevent Iran from getting a nuclear bomb.

1) Rand Paul, Republican presidential candidate: “We should let the free market handle it: allow unregulated sales of nuclear weapons, and since there are many people who’d pay a lot of money for a nuclear bomb, Iran would quickly sell all of their nuclear bombs if offered a good enough price.”

2) Chris Christie, New Jersey governor / Republican presidential candidate: “We needed to negotiate tougher, negotiate like people in New Jersey do – jump Iranian negotiators in a dark alley and beat them up until they agree to all of our demands.”

3) Benjamin Netanyahu, Prime Minister of Israel: “This is a bad deal!  We need a better deal that completely dismantles Iranian nuclear program, gets Iran to recognize Israel and stop supporting terrorism, opens their markets, converts Iranians to Judaism, and refocuses Iranian agricultural sector to raise flying pigs and unicorns!”

4) Jeb Bush, Republican presidential candidate: “We should lower the taxes on the rich. I’m not sure why this is even a question – I’m not aware of a single issue that couldn’t be solved by lowering the taxes on the rich.”

5) Lloyd Blankfein, CEO of Goldman Sachs: “The US could ease sanctions just a little to allow Goldman Sachs into the Iranian financial markets.  Our record speaks for itself – remember 2008 Great Recession? collapse of the Greek economy? Now imagine what we could do to Iran without the Federal Reserve or European Union to bail them out.”

6) Lindsey Graham, Republican presidential candidate: “We have to negotiate from the position of strength! And the best way to do that is to make it painfully clear to Iranians just how powerful American military really is, which is why I have been sending to Iranians all kinds of information like military base locations, air defense silo specifications, and blueprints for the latest F-35 fighter.”

7) Mark Zuckerberg, Facebook CEO: “We should open Iran to Facebook, and once Iranians start posting selfies and status updates, we’ll know whether and where Iran is making nuclear bombs even without any inspections.”

8) Scott Walker, (…yep, you guessed it…) Republican presidential candidate: “All options should be on the table… Well, not this deal, this deal is terrible… And not peace treaty, obviously… Ok, what I really mean is that all military options should be on the table.”

9) Brian Moynihan, CEO of Bank of America: “You should have asked our bank to write the text of agreement, so that if Iran misses even one inspection, America could foreclose and repossess Iran.”

10) Dick Cheney, ex-Vice President, possibly a Republican presidential candidate: “We should not hesitate to use military force. This will be a quick and easy war, and we will be greeted as liberators. Russia wouldn’t know what hit them…umm, sorry, did you say Iran?”

Do you have a plan?

Hat tip to twissblog for the inspiration.

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 72 Comments

10 Reactions To Supreme Court’s Legalization Of Same-Sex Marriage

Fox News might have done the celebratory rainbow filter as well, given a huge bump in the ratings the channel received immediately following the decision.

Fox News might have done the celebratory rainbow Facebook filter as well, given a huge bump in the ratings the channel received immediately following the decision.

This Friday, in a surprise 5-4 decision, the Supreme Court legalized gay marriage nationwide. This decision has been widely celebrated nationwide, on the streets and on social media, by LGBT activists and by divorce lawyers, and with White House, Disneyland, and many landmarks lit up in the rainbow colors for the occasion. On the right, the decision was met with assurances that this will lead to mandatory same-sex marriages for everyone, calls for secession and civil disobedience, and threats to move to Canada. Here are 10 of the reactions to the Court’s ruling.

1)  Fox News:  (Silence, then a series loud popping noises as if somebody’s head just exploded.)

2)  Luc Portelance, Director of Canada Border Services Agency: “We expect millions of Americans will now try to move to Canada, and therefore we must immediately erect a wall all along our border to defend our nation from the hordes of uneducated illegal immigrants from the south of the border, who will steal our jobs, and won’t respect our Canadian traditions like metric systems and legalized gay marriage.”

3)  Republican presidential candidates Rick Santorum and Mike Huckabee: “We are outraged by this decision and we shall fight it! And to prove our determination, Mike and I have already signed a pledge in solidarity to defend the marriage from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, till death do us part…. Ummm… Mike? Are you absolutely sure this is the right pledge?”

4)  Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia: “As I’ve written in my dissent on yesterday’s decision on Obamacare, words no longer have meaning, and therefore argle bargle argle bargle gargle margle bargle gay agenda argle bargle shmargle!”

5)  Todd Robertson, Mobile, Alabama: “My preacher said last week that gay marriage will lead to the total destruction of the country. Look, I didn’t believe it at first, but yesterday, my favorite mug fell and broke, then a lightbulb went out, and today I got a flat tire, so I reckon he’s right and the destructin’ has begun…”

6)  Richard Dawkins, atheist philosopher: “So same-sex marriage is legal, and Christian leaders declare that this will lead to to complete collapse of Christianity… So what’s the catch?”

7)  Adam Love, LBGT activist: “Honestly, this decision has put me in a very awkward position, because, I guess, thanks to this decision, I now have to look forward to my partner Steve with his inevitable let’s-chat-about-the-future talk any day now…”

8)  Chief Justice John Roberts: The court should not be even making any decisions on marriage, because marriage is not mentioned anywhere in the Constitution. So, upon further reflection, it became clear to me that every existing marriage is therefore unconstitutional and must immediately be dissolved.

9)  Rush Limbaugh, conservative radio host: No matter what the court thinks, the only true marriage is the marriage between a man and a woman, what you call a traditional marriage. It is the only valid marriage in God’s eyes. And I know that I have not merely followed the will of God, but I have far exceeded God’s expectation by already having had four traditional marriages!

10)  God: Hello? And who do you imagine allowed this decision to happen?… Now please excuse me, as there are dozens of Republican candidates waiting for me to call and tell them to run for president. Oh, and once I’m done, I just might put up some celebratory rainbow colors in the sky, too.

So, what was your reaction? Have Obama’s jack-booted thugs stopped by your house to assign you a mandatory same-sex spouse yet?

 

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 93 Comments

10 Hidden Messages In Presidential Campaigns’ Logos

Donald-Trump-Bad-Hair-Photo-1-1

Donald Trump’s hair have been running for president for years.

The 2016 presidential campaign is now in full swing, and this week alone had seen two more Republican candidates – Jeb Bush, former governor of Florida, and real estate magnate Donald Trump – throwing their hats into the ring. (Although in Trump’s case, it was probably his hair instead of his hat). Jeb Bush has already released his campaign logo, and the media immediately picked up on the fact that Jeb Bush chose not to put his last name on the logo, and therefore seemed to distance himself from his father, president George H. W. Bush, and his brother, president George W. Bush. However, this is not the only hidden message in Jeb’s campaign logo, or in the logos of other 2016 presidential campaigns, for that matter. Here are 10 of the hidden messages in some the 2016 campaign logos – revealed.

Jeb Bush’s logo:

jeb-edited

Hillary Clinton’s campaign logo

hilaryEdit

Republican Senator Rand Paul’s logo:

RandPaul2

Republican Senator Marco Rubio’s logo:

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Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 57 Comments

10 Things Airport Security Actually Does

The most dangerous object on the plane: you could drown someone in it, make someone slip and fall on a wet floor, choke on the bottle cap, terrorize the passengers by crunching the empty bottle... The possibilities are endless.

The most dangerous object on the plane: you could drown someone in this water, or make someone slip and fall on a wet floor, or short a vital electrical circuit, or choke on the bottle cap, or terrorize the passengers by crunching the empty bottle… The possibilities of disaster are endless.

If you had ever flown on a commercial flight in the US in the last 15 years, you have surely had some experience with the airport security, also known as the TSA, also known as the fiercest foe of scissors and water bottles. However, when undercover agents tested just how good is the airport security in catching hidden weapons and explosives, they found that the TSA screeners missed these items in over 95% of the tests. You might be thinking that TSA is totally useless, but the fact is that the airport security is doing a lot of useful things besides their purported job. Here are 10 things that the airport security actually does instead of catching weapons and explosives.

1)  Stopping the transport of water: As the drought in California and floods in Texas prove, an uncontrolled movement of water can lead to all kinds of disasters.

2)  Improving your health: 4 out of 5 doctors recommend walking barefoot, and TSA gives everyone an opportunity to walk barefoot in public and not be thought of as a weirdo.

3)  Providing additional emergency landing safety: By making you bring ziplock bags to display your tiny allowed bottles, TSA ensures you have additional flotation devices in case the airplane makes an emergency landing in the water. (Sure, the flight attendants always say that there is a life jacket under your seat, but how many of you had actually checked?)

4)  Angering the passengers: The airplane passengers have a much better record of stopping potential terrorists than the TSA (who stopped exactly zero of them), and angry passengers are more alert and more likely to tackle and stop a potential terrorist in an airplane.

5)  Stimulating shopping: By making you take off your shoes in public, TSA encourages you to finally buy some new socks without these embarrassing holes.

6)  Providing extra legroom: By confiscating your scissors, water bottles, sunscreens, lighters, screwdrivers, and other deadly items, TSA makes your carry-on smaller, resulting in more free space under the seat in front of you.

7)  Preventing alien invasions: Since TSA apparently isn’t checking passengers for explosives or weapons when they X-ray them, the X-ray machines must be searching for the signs of aliens growing inside you.

8)  Inspiring friendships: By making passengers stand and commiserate in the long lines, TSA encourages face-to-face communication between people and kindles many new acquaintances.

9)  Lowering airplane ticket prices: By discouraging people from flying, TSA reduces the demand for the tickets, which causes the tickets prices go down.

10)  Preventing terrorist acts: By stalling the terrorists in the neverending security lines, TSA makes terrorists miss their flights and wrecks their carefully designed evil schemes.

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 76 Comments

10 Most Shocking Revelations About Osama Bin Laden’s Assassination

And this famous photo that supposedly shows the White House officials watching the bin Laden raid? They're actually watching the American Idol.

And this famous photo that supposedly shows the White House officials watching the bin Laden raid? They’re actually watching the American Idol.

In a just-released bombshell report, the Pulitzer Prize winning journalist Seymour Hersh has questioned the Obama administration’s official story of how exactly Osama bin Laden had died. According to Hersh and his very anonymous source, the Pakistanis knew about the American SEAL Team 6 raid in advance, because they kept bin Laden under house arrest in a compound paid by Saudis, the story of how the CIA found bin Laden is also completely made up, and everything that was true was covered up. However, I have my own, just as trustworthy and well-connected anonymous source. I won’t give you my…I mean, the source’s name, but believe me, the information from my source is even more sensational than from Hersh’s. Here are 10 of these revelations.

1) The SEALs whom Obama credited with killing bin Laden aren’t the lovable marine mammals as you may have been led to believe, but are actually humans with extensive military training.

2) Osama bin Laden wasn’t killed by a bullet, but by a heart attack resulting from frustration due to his inability to sign up for Obamacare.

3) The money which Saudis were paying for bin Laden’s compound came from selling popular “Where’s bin Laden?” books.

4) Contrary to Obama’s and CIA’s assertion that outside of a few people in the White House and the Pentagon no one including the Pakistanis knew about the raid, Pakistanis knew, Saudis knew, and pretty much everyone was aware of the operation. In fact, according to my source, you were the only one left in the dark.

5) Every senior Pakistani official, including the prime minister and head of Pakistan’s intelligence service, had been taking acting classes for decades so that upon hearing the news of the American raid they could convincingly portray ignorance and outrage.

6) Osama bin Laden wasn’t found by the CIA thanks to the information they obtained by water-boarding terror suspects. In reality, CIA has pinpointed bin Laden’s location after he checked in at “Abbotabad compound” on Facebook. (CIA, however, was forced to water-board Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg to get him to explain how to modify Facebook settings to stop bin Laden’s check-ins and selfies from popping up in CIA’s Facebook feed every few seconds).

7) The bearded man in the strange dress shot at the compound was actually Santa Claus. Every parent who has been telling their children about Santa’s list, his visits, and his presents was complicit in the cover-up.

8) There was no Pakistani doctor who helped find bin Laden while doing polio vaccinations in the Abbottabad area. You can now scratch “helps defeat international terrorism” from the already embarrassingly short list of vaccination benefits.

9) The true name of the town in which bin Laden’s compound was located wasn’t Abbottabad, but Costellobad.

10) When Barack Obama had been reading the speech about the success of the raid, he stood behind a podium, because he was covering up an unzipped fly.

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 77 Comments

10 Reactions To Imminent American Invasion of Texas

Thousands of Texans are preparing to defend the flag of Texas (also known as "American flag for dummies").

Thousands of Texans are preparing to defend the flag of Texas (also known as “the American flag for dummies”).

This summer, the United States military is planning to conduct a large-scale exercise in several Southwestern states – or that’s what they want you to believe. According to some Texan patriots, the U.S. government is actually scheming to invade the entire state of Texas, take away people’s guns, enslave people with Obamacare, and send them to FEMA concentration camps. This may sounds like a conspiracy theory to you, except that the governor of Texas actually ordered the Texas State Guard to monitor the US military exercises to make sure they don’t take over the state, which makes this invasion more real to the State of Texas than, say, global warming. Here are 10 reactions to this invasion/exercise.

1) Greg Abbott, Governor of Texas: “In order to prepare to defend Texas against the looming takeover by the federal government, I have declared a state of emergency and requested 10 billion dollars in disaster aid from the federal government.”

2) Ash Carter, US Secretary of Defense: “It’s possible that the next war will be in the Middle East, and therefore the drills will take place in Texas, because there is no better place to train for a Middle Eastern war than in an oil-rich state ruled by a theocratic regime.”

3) Dick Cheney, former Vice President of the United States: “Few people have as much experience in dragging America into wars as I do, and I am confident more than ever that the war against Texas will be a quick war and we will be greeted as liberators.”

4) Edward Snowden, privacy whistle-blower: “The fact that Texas National Guard will be monitoring the U.S. military is a very depressing sign: if even the military can’t get any privacy within the US, what hope is there for the rest of us?”

5) Texas state police: “We will not be involved in the monitoring, because we’re not equipped or trained to deal with armed white people.”

6) General Raymond Odierno, Chief of Staff of the US Army: “We actually tried to have this training exercise in the Northeast, but too many of our soldiers were getting PTSD just from driving in New England and New York traffic.”

7) Texas State Guard: “We have already began the monitoring the actions of the US military for any signs of unusual activity, and right now what we’re seeing is a bunch of sun-burned camo-wearin’ guys running around with assault rifles. Or, in other words, nothing out of the ordinary for Texas.”

8) George W. Bush, former Texas governor and US President: “I’m grateful to governor Abbott for helping shape my image as the smart governor of Texas”.

9) Association of US Defense Contractors: “According to our analysts, Texas poses a clear and present danger to the United States, and we strongly recommend that the Pentagon immediately order at least $500 billion worth of our latest military hardware to neutralize this threat.”

10) Gallup Research: We have asked the residents of Texas what they think about this situation, and here are the results: 45% responded that they are very concerned about the invasion, 35% responded that they aren’t worried, and 20% responded ‘Lo siente, no hablo Inglés’.”

Posted in List of 10 | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 53 Comments