This Friday, in a surprise 5-4 decision, the Supreme Court legalized gay marriage nationwide. This decision has been widely celebrated nationwide, on the streets and on social media, by LGBT activists and by divorce lawyers, and with White House, Disneyland, and many landmarks lit up in the rainbow colors for the occasion. On the right, the decision was met with assurances that this will lead to mandatory same-sex marriages for everyone, calls for secession and civil disobedience, and threats to move to Canada. Here are 10 of the reactions to the Court’s ruling.
1) Fox News: (Silence, then a series loud popping noises as if somebody’s head just exploded.)
2) Luc Portelance, Director of Canada Border Services Agency: “We expect millions of Americans will now try to move to Canada, and therefore we must immediately erect a wall all along our border to defend our nation from the hordes of uneducated illegal immigrants from the south of the border, who will steal our jobs, and won’t respect our Canadian traditions like metric systems and legalized gay marriage.”
3) Republican presidential candidates Rick Santorum and Mike Huckabee: “We are outraged by this decision and we shall fight it! And to prove our determination, Mike and I have already signed a pledge in solidarity to defend the marriage from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, till death do us part…. Ummm… Mike? Are you absolutely sure this is the right pledge?”
4) Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia: “As I’ve written in my dissent on yesterday’s decision on Obamacare, words no longer have meaning, and therefore argle bargle argle bargle gargle margle bargle gay agenda argle bargle shmargle!”
5) Todd Robertson, Mobile, Alabama: “My preacher said last week that gay marriage will lead to the total destruction of the country. Look, I didn’t believe it at first, but yesterday, my favorite mug fell and broke, then a lightbulb went out, and today I got a flat tire, so I reckon he’s right and the destructin’ has begun…”
6) Richard Dawkins, atheist philosopher: “So same-sex marriage is legal, and Christian leaders declare that this will lead to to complete collapse of Christianity… So what’s the catch?”
7) Adam Love, LBGT activist: “Honestly, this decision has put me in a very awkward position, because, I guess, thanks to this decision, I now have to look forward to my partner Steve with his inevitable let’s-chat-about-the-future talk any day now…”
8) Chief Justice John Roberts: The court should not be even making any decisions on marriage, because marriage is not mentioned anywhere in the Constitution. So, upon further reflection, it became clear to me that every existing marriage is therefore unconstitutional and must immediately be dissolved.
9) Rush Limbaugh, conservative radio host: No matter what the court thinks, the only true marriage is the marriage between a man and a woman, what you call a traditional marriage. It is the only valid marriage in God’s eyes. And I know that I have not merely followed the will of God, but I have far exceeded God’s expectation by already having had four traditional marriages!
10) God: Hello? And who do you imagine allowed this decision to happen?… Now please excuse me, as there are dozens of Republican candidates waiting for me to call and tell them to run for president. Oh, and once I’m done, I just might put up some celebratory rainbow colors in the sky, too.
So, what was your reaction? Have Obama’s jack-booted thugs stopped by your house to assign you a mandatory same-sex spouse yet?