10 Etiquette Rules For Sasha And Malia Obama

"Omigawd, can he pardon that stupid bird already!" Image source: Dailymail

“Omigawd, can he pardon that stupid bird already?”
Image source: Dailymail

This Thanksgiving weekend, President Obama has pardoned a turkey in a traditional ceremony. However, it wasn’t the President or the turkey who attracted the most attention, but the President’s daughters, Sasha, 13, and Malia, 16, who were visibly frowning and fidgeting throughout the entire televised ceremony. In fact, one Republican political staffer became so incensed by Sasha and Malia’s demeanor and clothing choices, that she posted an angry Facebook rant chastising their behavior and appearance, was immediately criticized for it, apologized, and finally resigned from her job. (So thanks a lot, Sasha and Malia, for piling on even more American job losses). And since the First Daughters would have to face TV cameras many more times in the future, here are 10 new etiquette rules Sasha and Malia must follow to avert any possible Republican outrage about their disrespectful and un-American attitude and attire.

1)  While present at any official functions, you must never act as if you’re bored. Instead, you must always show that you’re outraged by your father’s tyrannical actions. This should not be hard since this is a normal teenager behavior.

2)  You must always wear clothing as modest and non-revealing as possible. A burqa or a niqab would be a good start.

3)  You must always wear an American flag pin to demonstrate your allegiance to the nation. And since this pin might not be visible when you turn away, you must wear another American flag pin on your back, and two more on your shoulders.

4)  You should never stay out too late, and always be home on time. This is one rule you are not taking seriously at all, because you two, and all of your family were supposed to have been back to your home in Chicago by 2012 at the latest.

5)  Do not ever throw temper tantrums. That’s what Congressional Republicans are here for.

6)  No playing on your cell phones, texting, tweeting, or Facebooking while you’re on TV. This is important, because Internet users will notice you tweeting, and will start tweeting about you tweeting, and if you also start tweeting about the Internet tweeting about you tweeting, this would will create an ever-expanding Internet tweetback loop which could bring down the entire Internet.

7)  You should never argue with adults. Always remember, adults are always right and know better than you or your dad.

8)  If you have done anything wrong, you must apologize. However, since apologizing makes America look weak, you will then have to apologize for making America look weak, then apologize for apologizing, and so on.

9)  No one told you to stop apologizing and move on the next advice. Go back to #8, but not before you’re done apologizing for ceasing your apologizing too early.

10)  To represent the “real” America, you should try to look as white as possible, and judging by your recent photos, you’re not trying hard enough.

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 93 Comments

10 Reactions To Results Of 2014 Election

Last Tuesday, United States followed a time-honored tradition of expressing dissatisfaction with one politician who isn’t up for re-election by voting against completely different politicians – or, as it’s normally called, “a mid-term election”. As a result of this disastrous for Democrats election, Republican captured the majority in the Senate and won larger majority in the House of Representatives than they had in decades – which will leave president Barack Obama mostly vetoing legislation rather than signing it into law. Here are 10 reactions to the results of the election.

1)  Mitch McConnell, presumed new Senate majority leader: “Now that the Republican party controls the Senate, I pledge to work more closely with president Obama and block even more of his agenda.”

2)  Harry Reid, former Democratic Senate majority leader: “From 2008 to 2014, Republican minority has been filibustering everything in the Senate, and we’re looking forward to finally put into good use everything Republicans taught us about the filibuster.”

3) Ted Cruz, Republican Senator: “We had 50 unsuccessful votes to repeal Obamacare in the House, and due to intransigence of Harry Reid, the Senate never once voted on these bills. Now that we have a majority in the Senate, we’re looking forward to finally having 50 Senate votes to repeal Obamacare.”

4)  Jeff Bezos, CEO of Amazon.com: “According to our data, for some unknown reason, in the last few days on our site the most-searched-for product has been ‘veto pens’.”

5) Fox News: “This election is a clear repudiation of Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, and Chelsea Clinton, in case she decides to run in 20-30 years.”

6)  Steve Ricchetti, Chief of Staff of Vice President Joseph Biden: “This is just a one bad election, Mr. Vice President. Now please, please, I beg you, step away from that ledge!”

7)  Reince Priebus, Republican party chairman: “I think the presidential hopeful Senator Ted Cruz is a biggest winner in this election. Compared to some new people elected this Tuesday, he now seems a perfectly sane and rational candidate.”

8)  President Barack Obama:  “Judging by the results of this election, I now know that I can make any Democratic politician do whatever I want by threatening to come to their state and campaign for them.”

9)  Nate Silver, election expert: “I think voters are tired of gridlock. And what better way for voters to demonstrate that they are tired of gridlock than by overwhelmingly voting to increase the minimum wage in their states while electing as governor the worst possible candidate to let that increase happen?”

Joe, average registered voter: “I didn’t vote because I think both parties are equally bad. I don’t remember their exact names, but I’m pretty sure they are all the same.”

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 55 Comments

10 Reaction To Results Of 2014 Elections

Last Tuesday, United States followed a time-honored tradition of expressing dissatisfaction with one politician who isn’t up for re-election by voting against completely different politicians – or, as it’s normally called, “a mid-term election”. As a result of this disastrous for Democrats election, Republican captured the majority in the Senate and won larger majority in the House of Representatives than they had in decades – which will leave president Barack Obama mostly vetoing legislation rather than signing it into law. Here are 10 reactions to the results of the election.

1)  Mitch McConnell, presumed new Senate majority leader: “Now that the Republican party controls the Senate, I pledge to work more closely with president Obama and block even more of his agenda.”

2)  Harry Reid, former Democratic Senate majority leader: “From 2008 to 2014, Republican minority has been filibustering everything in the Senate, and we’re looking forward to finally put into good use everything Republicans taught us about the filibuster.”

3) Ted Cruz, Republican Senator: “We had 50 unsuccessful votes to repeal Obamacare in the House, and due to intransigence of Harry Reid, the Senate never once voted on these bills. Now that we have a majority in the Senate, we’re looking forward to finally having 50 Senate votes to repeal Obamacare.”

4)  Jeff Bezos, CEO of Amazon.com: “According to our data, for some unknown reason, in the last few days on our site the most-searched-for product has been ‘veto pens’.”

5) Fox News: “This election is a clear repudiation of Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, and Chelsea Clinton, in case she decides to run in 20-30 years.”

6)  Steve Ricchetti, Chief of Staff of Vice President Joseph Biden: “This is just a one bad election, Mr. Vice President. Now please, please, I beg you, step away from that ledge!”

7)  Reince Priebus, Republican party chairman: “I think the presidential hopeful Senator Ted Cruz is a biggest winner in this election. Compared to some new people elected this Tuesday, he now seems a perfectly sane and rational candidate.”

8)  President Barack Obama:  “Judging by the results of this election, I now know that I can make any Democratic politician do whatever I want by threatening to come to their state and campaign for them.”

9)  Nate Silver, election expert: “I think voters are tired of gridlock. And what better way for voters to demonstrate that they are tired of gridlock than by overwhelmingly voting to increase the minimum wage in their states while electing as governor the worst possible candidate to let that increase happen?”

Joe, average registered voter: “I didn’t vote because I think both parties are equally bad. I don’t remember their exact names, but I’m pretty sure they are all the same.”

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 9 Comments

10 Conspiracy Theories Explaining Thursday’s Solar Eclipse

I wish I could have seen the eclipse myself, but I couldn't due to extensive cover-up by the rainclouds - a conspiracy which surely went all the way up. Image source: National Geographic

I wish I could have seen the eclipse myself, but I couldn’t due to extensive cover-up by the rainclouds – a conspiracy which surely went all the way up.
Image source: National Geographic

If you live in North America, you may have been able to see a partial solar eclipse this Thursday sometime around sunset. But if you had thought that the movement of stars and planets is governed only by laws of physics and cannot be explained by conspiracy theories, then you’re just not thinking big enough. Because on the Internet, you can explain anything with conspiracy theories – wars, climate change, economy, pandemics, so why should we believe that a planetary phenomenon really is what we are being told it is? So here are 10 conspiracy theories explaining the true reasons behind this week’s partial solar eclipse.

1)  Commie liberal Obama administration, just out of sheer spite, stole the sun from the honest hard-working Americans.

2)  The eclipse was just a hoax perpetrated by scientists, who thought that if they can convince us that they were right in their predictions of the eclipse, we’d also believe their predictions about global warming.

3)  This was an attempt by Apple Corporation to re-brand the sky as Apple’s proprietary iSky product, privatize it, and synchronize it with Apple’s existing iCloud software.

4)  It was Russia that made it seem like there was a solar eclipse during sunset to get everyone to look west, and invade us from the east while everyone is distracted and is looking the other way.

5)  The Sun trying to safeguard itself from the Ebola virus by using the Moon as protective gear of sorts.

6)  Major League Baseball is taking their game blackout policy to a whole new level.

7)  The eclipse was a PR gimmick sponsored by ExxonMobil and BP to prove that solar power is much less reliable than oil.

8)  It was the work of NASA trying to hide their cover-up of the Moon landing that never happened.

9)  American Association of Ophthalmologists was trying to trick millions of people to stare directly into the sun, thus causing severe damage to their eyes and billions in profits to their eye doctors.

10)  It may have been just a regular solar eclipse, but the real question you have to ask is when exactly Obama administration learned that an eclipse is imminent, and why haven’t they done anything to prevent it?

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 72 Comments

10 Symptoms Of Ebolaphobia

Late stage of Ebolaphobia, by Edvard Munch.

Late stage of Ebolaphobia, by Edvard Munch.

As most of you are already aware, West Africa is experiencing a severe Ebola outbreak, and a handful of Americans have been infected with Ebola virus as well. According to the experts, although Ebola is a real and scary disease, it’s not nearly as contagious as many other diseases because Ebola virus requires direct contact with bodily fluids of someone who is already sick to be transmitted. However, even though Ebola itself is not a threat to an average American, tens of millions of Americans have been suffering from acute irrational fear that an imminent Ebola outbreak would kill all of us. Or, to use the proper scientific term for this condition, from Ebolaphobia. For example, a school in Maine recently quarantined a teacher merely for visiting a conference 10 miles away from a Texas hospital that cares for Ebola patients. Here are 10 common symptoms you should check yourself for to determine if you’re suffering from Ebolaphobia.

1)  You break into cold sweat, and your temperature and blood pressure rise after watching several minutes of news reports on Ebola, but even considering the stress these news reports are causing your body, your organism keeps demanding new doses of Ebola-related stories.

2)  Without having received any formal medical training, you consider yourself a top expert on every kind of virus.

3)  Knowing that Ebola is normally transmitted through direct contact with bodily liquids, you have stopped wiping your nose and going to the bathroom.

4)  You don’t believe in evolution, but are confident that Ebola virus will doubtlessly mutate into an airborne germ armed with fangs and claws. So every five seconds, you check the sky to make sure that an airborne Ebola virus isn’t coming for your from above.

5)  You have purchased a 0.01-millimeter caliber rifle, so that when you do see an Ebola virus coming for you, you could shoot it in its fangy face.

6)  You think that a person’s dark skin, foreign accent, or a Texas driver’s license is a sure sign that the person has Ebola.

7)  You think we should ban direct flights from West Africa, because no person with Ebola is physically able to take a connecting flight through another country, or drive across the border, and because such flight ban will surely stop an airborne Ebola virus from flying into America on its own.

8)  When you are riding a public bus and notice someone coughing five seats away from you, you no longer jump out the window while simultaneously pulling on latex gloves and a respirator – but only because have completely stopped using public transportation of any kind.

9)  You think that resignation of President Barack Obama is the only thing that could prevent an Ebola epidemic.

10) If someone warns you that the there is an extremely contagious disease out there, a disease that can be transmitted by airborne germs and will kill tens of thousands of Americans this year alone, you feel relieved to learn that it’s just the flu, and not Ebola.

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 82 Comments

10 Things White House Intruder Had Done Before He Finally Got Caught

The floor plan of the White House with the red line showing the approximate path of the intruder.

Floor plan of the White House with the red line showing the approximate path of the intruder.

A couple of weeks ago, a man armed with a knife jumped the White House fence, ran across the lawn into the White House and was, as we were told, apprehended just inside the building. (Barack Obama had left the mansion a few minutes earlier and missed all the excitement.) However, according to more recent articles, the intruder, an Army veteran named Omar Gonzalez, has actually made it much further into the White House than the Secret Service originally admitted, and penetrated “five rings of security”, which, apparently, include such fool-proof measures as “Do Not Enter” sign, running sprinklers on the lawn, and a cardboard cutout of a large dog. Since we can safely assume that Secret Service is still not telling the whole story about the intrusion, here are 10 things that Omar Gonzalez probably managed to do in the White House before the security finally caught up with him.

1) Checked in on Facebook and posted a selfie on Instagram.

2) Startled a couple of Secret Service agents getting busy with some Colombian prostitutes. (What? The president was out!)

3) Bumped into Vice President Joseph Biden and gave him a wedgie.

4) Ran out of the White House to leave his heavy backpack in his car, then ran back into the White House again.

5) Took a shower to wash off the sweat from all the running.

6) Carved “Omar was here” on the surface of the desk in the Oval office.

7) Called Comcast from the Oval Office phone and spent two hours on hold. (It would have been at least six hours from a regular phone.)

8) Called Pentagon and ordered them to bomb Comcast. Or Syria. Whichever is less likely to fight back.

9) Slapped several Secret Service agents on the back, yelling “You’re it!”

10) Scattered a stack of leaflets advertising the services of a home alarm company.

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , , | 51 Comments

10 Reasons Why Scotland Voted Against Independence

And how could Scotland rob England of this heavenly music?

How could Scotland possibly rob England of this heavenly music?

This Wednesday, Scotland held a referendum on whether to declare independence and leave the United Kingdom. The referendum attracted a record voter turnout, helped by lowering of voting age to 16, but in the end the proponents of independence lost the vote, 45% to 55%. Here are 10 reasons why Scotland chose to remain a part of the United Kingdom.

1) Recently, any territories breaking away from a country the name of which starts with “UK” tend to get taken over by Russia.

2) At the last moment, Scots decided that declaring independence from Great Britain over being annoyed with royal wedding/royal pregnancy/royal baby hype would be a bit of overreaction.

3) Scottish voters were worried about the American habit to occasionally invade small countries that have oil.

4) Lowering voting age to 16 wasn’t enough, because this age limit excluded a key bloc of potential 13-14 year old voters who would have been the most enthusiastic about rebelling against the status quo.

5) Scots realized that even gaining independence, Scotland still has to share the same island with England.

6) Ballots with the word “FREEDOM!” written accross the page in large letters were considered invalid and were not counted.

7) The best-known example of territory declaring independence from Britain was the United States, and in recent years, this example has lost quite a lot of its luster.

8) Some voters began celebrating their independence a little bit too early in the pubs to go to the polls.

9) For others, it was more appealing to live in the country whose most famous resident is the queen, than in the country whose most famous resident is the Loch Ness monster.

10) Scotland and England couldn’t agree on who gets the custody of Wales.

Posted in List of 10 | 53 Comments