10 Symptoms Of Ebolaphobia

Late stage of Ebolaphobia, by Edvard Munch.

Late stage of Ebolaphobia, by Edvard Munch.

As most of you are already aware, West Africa is experiencing a severe Ebola outbreak, and a handful of Americans have been infected with Ebola virus as well. According to the experts, although Ebola is a real and scary disease, it’s not nearly as contagious as many other diseases because Ebola virus requires direct contact with bodily fluids of someone who is already sick to be transmitted. However, even though Ebola itself is not a threat to an average American, tens of millions of Americans have been suffering from acute irrational fear that an imminent Ebola outbreak would kill all of us. Or, to use the proper scientific term for this condition, from Ebolaphobia. For example, a school in Maine recently quarantined a teacher merely for visiting a conference 10 miles away from a Texas hospital that cares for Ebola patients. Here are 10 common symptoms you should check yourself for to determine if you’re suffering from Ebolaphobia.

1)  You break into cold sweat, and your temperature and blood pressure rise after watching several minutes of news reports on Ebola, but even considering the stress these news reports are causing your body, your organism keeps demanding new doses of Ebola-related stories.

2)  Without having received any formal medical training, you consider yourself a top expert on every kind of virus.

3)  Knowing that Ebola is normally transmitted through direct contact with bodily liquids, you have stopped wiping your nose and going to the bathroom.

4)  You don’t believe in evolution, but are confident that Ebola virus will doubtlessly mutate into an airborne germ armed with fangs and claws. So every five seconds, you check the sky to make sure that an airborne Ebola virus isn’t coming for your from above.

5)  You have purchased a 0.01-millimeter caliber rifle, so that when you do see an Ebola virus coming for you, you could shoot it in its fangy face.

6)  You think that a person’s dark skin, foreign accent, or a Texas driver’s license is a sure sign that the person has Ebola.

7)  You think we should ban direct flights from West Africa, because no person with Ebola is physically able to take a connecting flight through another country, or drive across the border, and because such flight ban will surely stop an airborne Ebola virus from flying into America on its own.

8)  When you are riding a public bus and notice someone coughing five seats away from you, you no longer jump out the window while simultaneously pulling on latex gloves and a respirator – but only because have completely stopped using public transportation of any kind.

9)  You think that resignation of President Barack Obama is the only thing that could prevent an Ebola epidemic.

10) If someone warns you that the there is an extremely contagious disease out there, a disease that can be transmitted by airborne germs and will kill tens of thousands of Americans this year alone, you feel relieved to learn that it’s just the flu, and not Ebola.

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 76 Comments

10 Things White House Intruder Had Done Before He Finally Got Caught

The floor plan of the White House with the red line showing the approximate path of the intruder.

Floor plan of the White House with the red line showing the approximate path of the intruder.

A couple of weeks ago, a man armed with a knife jumped the White House fence, ran across the lawn into the White House and was, as we were told, apprehended just inside the building. (Barack Obama had left the mansion a few minutes earlier and missed all the excitement.) However, according to more recent articles, the intruder, an Army veteran named Omar Gonzalez, has actually made it much further into the White House than the Secret Service originally admitted, and penetrated “five rings of security”, which, apparently, include such fool-proof measures as “Do Not Enter” sign, running sprinklers on the lawn, and a cardboard cutout of a large dog. Since we can safely assume that Secret Service is still not telling the whole story about the intrusion, here are 10 things that Omar Gonzalez probably managed to do in the White House before the security finally caught up with him.

1) Checked in on Facebook and posted a selfie on Instagram.

2) Startled a couple of Secret Service agents getting busy with some Colombian prostitutes. (What? The president was out!)

3) Bumped into Vice President Joseph Biden and gave him a wedgie.

4) Ran out of the White House to leave his heavy backpack in his car, then ran back into the White House again.

5) Took a shower to wash off the sweat from all the running.

6) Carved “Omar was here” on the surface of the desk in the Oval office.

7) Called Comcast from the Oval Office phone and spent two hours on hold. (It would have been at least six hours from a regular phone.)

8) Called Pentagon and ordered them to bomb Comcast. Or Syria. Whichever is less likely to fight back.

9) Slapped several Secret Service agents on the back, yelling “You’re it!”

10) Scattered a stack of leaflets advertising the services of a home alarm company.

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , , | 51 Comments

10 Reasons Why Scotland Voted Against Independence

And how could Scotland rob England of this heavenly music?

How could Scotland possibly rob England of this heavenly music?

This Wednesday, Scotland held a referendum on whether to declare independence and leave the United Kingdom. The referendum attracted a record voter turnout, helped by lowering of voting age to 16, but in the end the proponents of independence lost the vote, 45% to 55%. Here are 10 reasons why Scotland chose to remain a part of the United Kingdom.

1) Recently, any territories breaking away from a country the name of which starts with “UK” tend to get taken over by Russia.

2) At the last moment, Scots decided that declaring independence from Great Britain over being annoyed with royal wedding/royal pregnancy/royal baby hype would be a bit of overreaction.

3) Scottish voters were worried about the American habit to occasionally invade small countries that have oil.

4) Lowering voting age to 16 wasn’t enough, because this age limit excluded a key bloc of potential 13-14 year old voters who would have been the most enthusiastic about rebelling against the status quo.

5) Scots realized that even gaining independence, Scotland still has to share the same island with England.

6) Ballots with the word “FREEDOM!” written accross the page in large letters were considered invalid and were not counted.

7) The best-known example of territory declaring independence from Britain was the United States, and in recent years, this example has lost quite a lot of its luster.

8) Some voters began celebrating their independence a little bit too early in the pubs to go to the polls.

9) For others, it was more appealing to live in the country whose most famous resident is the queen, than in the country whose most famous resident is the Loch Ness monster.

10) Scotland and England couldn’t agree on who gets the custody of Wales.

Posted in List of 10 | 53 Comments

10 American Strategies For Defeating ISIS

ISIS has already killed two Americans, and if their reign of terror and violence is allowed to continue, ISIS could eventually kill as many innocent unarmed Americans as, say, General Motors or New York police. Image source: telegraph.co.uk

ISIS has already killed two Americans, and if their reign of terror and violence is allowed to continue, ISIS could eventually kill as many innocent unarmed Americans as, say, General Motors or New York police.
Image source: telegraph.co.uk

The ISIS insurgency continues in Iraq, and, as it always happens, every American politician seems to automatically assume that whenever there is a war anywhere in the world, the United States must immediately get involved. For the last few weeks, the United States has been supporting the Iraqi army by launching airstrikes against ISIS, but when Barack Obama recently said that the United States has no defined strategy on ISIS, he was criticized for it, because, as we all remember, having a strategy worked out so well the last time the US invaded Iraq. Since it appears that staying out of yet another Middle Eastern war is not an option, here are 10 strategies for defeating ISIS.

1) Persist in having no defined strategy. Choosing a military strategy allows the opponent to guess what it is and prepare for our next move, but if we continue arbitrary and chaotic airstrikes against ISIS, they can’t possibly predict when and where our next attack is coming.

2) Since officially recognizing ISIS as a credible threat to the United States only raises the profile of the terrorist organization and helps them recruit more fighters, one of the most damaging things Obama could do to ISIS would be to ignore them and go golfing.

3) Assemble an international coalition to fight ISIS, or, in other words, outsource the actual fighting to China and India.

4) Take the advice of Phil Robertson of Duck Dynasty reality show, that the way to defeat ISIS is to convert them to Christianity or kill them. This recommendation must be taken seriously, since, after all, this man spent decades of his life fighting the bloody take-no-prisoners war against ducks.

5) Bomb Russia: Not only it would punish Russia for its meddling in Ukraine, but a Russian retaliation would prevent an ISIS attack since there won’t really be anything left in the US that would be worth attacking.

6) Let National Rifle Association sell firearms to every Iraqi old enough to lift a gun: if a nine-year-old girl with an Uzi can defend herself against a weapons instructor, peaceful Iraqis should have no problem beating ISIS.

7) Refer to ISIS as “ISIL” in all official documents. This will ensure that when ISIS-related classified documents eventually get leaked, ISIS will think that Pentagon is talking about someone else.

8) Elect Republican politicians into ISIS’ leadership: by filibustering every move of the organization, they will completely paralyze it and won’t let it accomplish any of its goals.

9) Insist that there would be no boots on the ground until Iraqi government gets the hint and rolls out the red carpet.

10) Train and arm moderate Syrian rebels. The first step would be finding these people who are willing to kill and die for peace, and crush their enemies in the name of diversity and tolerance.

Posted in List of 10 | 58 Comments

10 Absolutely Essential Items Pentagon Gave To Your Local Police

St. Louis police is still waiting for their snow camouflage parkas. Image source: vanityfair

St. Louis police is still waiting for their snow camouflage parkas.
Image source: vanityfair

Protests in Ferguson, Missouri, where peaceful protesters faced St Louis county police equipped with machine guns, gas masks, camouflage, and armored vehicles, has made it clear that your local police department might be armed well enough to defeat the army of a country like Albania or Guatemala. As it turns out, Pentagon has a multi-billion dollar program which gives away all kinds of military hardware to the police, from the basic stuff like assault rifles, sniper scopes, and grenade launchers, to more advanced machinery like helicopters and armored vehicles, and to occasional non-military equipment. For example, Pentagon gave New Orleans police things like snow camouflage and men’s scarves. And although many people believe that the police doesn’t need things like armored vehicles or snow camouflage in snow-less New Orleans, all of this equipment is truly necessary for police work. Here are the explanations for 10 of the items actually given by Pentagon to the New Orleans police.

1)  1 Armored Personnel Carrier: This vehicle is needed to help black police officers get home safely after they’ve completed their shifts and changed into civilian clothing. Don’t you know how dangerous it is for an unarmed black man to drive through an area of heavy police presence?

2)  1 Mine-Resistant Vehicle: Considering the strong influence of French culture in New Orleans (including some of the less pleasant aspects of it), it’s very likely that the requisition form contained a typo, and the police mean to request a mime-resistant vehicle.

3)  20 snow camouflage parkas and 10 pairs of snowshoes: Because the people who govern Louisiana claim that global warming is a hoax and the planet is actually experiencing a global cooling, the New Orleans police expect that they would have to fight crime waist-deep in the snow any day now.

4)  3 circulating fans: Because it gets really hot in New Orleans, especially if you’re wearing snow camouflage parkas and snowshoes.

5)  360 men’s scarves: When camouflage and gas masks dehumanize police officers and turn them into some kind of scary forest-dwelling robots, a carefully picked elegant scarf can give them an element of flair and respectability.

6)  30 survival axes: An absolutely necessary item for repelling a zombie attack. If Pentagon already has a strategy for fighting zombies, it would only be fair if New Orleans police does join the battle, too.

7) 1 parachute bag (without the parachute): Should a bad guy hijack the helicopter and demand a suitcase of money and a parachute, he would be in for a nasty surprise when he jumps out with the money and discovers that his parachute bag is filled with 50 of those men’s scarves.

8) 1 infrared telescope: Because how else would you put a surveillance on that suspicious alien spaceship with the expired licence plates?

9) 46 laundry nets: Obviously an ideal instrument for catching money launderers.

10) 12 searchlights: Today’s criminals have gotten used to standard police interrogation techniques, and a regular 100-Watt lamp pointed in their face just doesn’t get the confessions like it used to.

Thanks to Eideard for the story. Also, the full list included things like pliers, chainsaw, bug-proof jackets, life raft, life preservers, diver’s suits, hammer, rubber mallet, machete, space heater, laser pointers, forklift, cork sheets, insulation tape, magnifier, battery chargers, generator, desk light, photo camera and tripod, folding chairs (at $1,096.99 each), garbage can, coffee maker, rubber sheets, and computer mice – so please feel free to add your explanations for these.

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 52 Comments

10 Reactions To Indictment Of Texas Governor Rick Perry

Rick Perry in the most presidential-looking mugshot ever. Image source: CNN

Rick Perry in the most presidential-looking mugshot ever.
Image source: CNN

In a shocking development, grand jury in Texas has charged the state’s governor and a likely 2016 presidential candidate Rick Perry with two felony counts of abuse of power and trying to coerce a public official. The charges stem from the incident when Texas District Attorney Rosemary Lehmberg was arrested for drunk driving, and Rick Perry tried to remove her from the office by vetoing the funding for public corruption investigations unit that Lehmberg supervised. Here are 10 reaction to Rick Perry’s indictment.

1) Mike McCrum, special prosecutor: “The grand jury had indicted Rick Perry on two felony counts. They were going to charge Perry with three, but he wouldn’t remember the third one.”

2) David Dewhurst, Lieutenant Governor of Texas: “I don’t understand why people are making such a big deal about Rick’s cutting funding for the public integrity unit. We don’t need any corruption investigations. In this country and the great state of Texas, we have this completely legal process in which anyone could lawfully give a wad of money to a politician and have them do anything you want.”

3) Texas Highway Patrol: “This morning, just outside of Austin, our officers have stopped and arrested one Rosemary Lehmberg when they found her blood alcohol level at over three times the legal limit. Ms. Lehmberg was disoriented and incoherent, and it took Sgt. McDaniel 20 minutes to understand that Ms. Lehmberg had been celebrating something she called ‘indigma of ripurry’.”

4) Joe Allbaugh, Rick Perry’s campaign manager: “I can promise you that Rick Perry will definitely be running in 2016. That is, unless they catch him earlier.”

5) George W. Bush, former president: “I don’t think drunk driving should be a disqualification for a public office. Look at me, I got arrested for DUI too, and I still turned out to be a pretty great president!”

6) Jon Belmar, chief of St. Louis County Police: “I think Rick Perry was correct in demanding Lehmberg’s resignation. Her actions were absolutely inappropriate for anyone in law enforcement. If she had shot and killed an unarmed black man, fine, no problem. But drunk driving – that is a serious offense.”

7) Chris Christie, governor of New Jersey: “Lay off Rick, will ya? My experience with the bridge scandal tells me that he’s completely innocent in all this! He didn’t sign the veto order, it was clearly done without any of his knowledge by one of my aides! I already fired several of them today, and if I ever find out who is responsible, I’ll fire them, too.”

8) Nate Silver, election expert: “There was a question whether Rick Perry’s indictment could hurt his chances in 2016 presidential campaign. According to my statistical model, the governor has nothing to worry about: Perry’s chances of becoming president had been zero before, and it’s still zero now.”

9) Rick Perry: “I am going to fight this injustice, and we will prevail! And unless the jury drops the charges of abuse of power immediately, I will call up the National Guard to burn down the court!”

10) Barack Obama: “I’m not yet familiar with this situation. All I have been told so far is that this is somehow my fault.”

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 65 Comments

10 Most Commonly Misinterpreted Terms Describing Israel-Gaza Conflict

Map of Israel, Gaza, and West Bank. This whole area is so small and so disproportionately debated, that if you print out every article and story on the conflict, you could cover the whole area with about 100 feet high layer of paper. (Image source: weeklyintercept.blogspot.com)

Map of Israel, Gaza, and West Bank. This whole area is so small and so disproportionately debated, that if you print out every article, story, and comment related to the conflict, you could cover the whole area with about 100 feet high layer of paper. So what’s one more?
(Image source: weeklyintercept.blogspot.com)

The latest Israeli-Palestinian conflict in Gaza, now raging for several weeks, has gripped the world’s attention. And as it is often the case in any high-profile conflict, there is a lot of confusion and misinformation whirling around, starting with the terminology that is commonly used in various discussions of the current clash in Gaza, and Israeli-Palestinian conflict in general. Unfortunately, a lot of terms used to describe the conflict are somewhat misunderstood, and don’t necessarily mean what we think they mean. Here are 10 of these terms with their correct definitions.

1) “Hamas”: an imaginary organization which, according to Israeli claims, rules Gaza and allegedly shoots crude homemade rockets into Israel. If this mythical “Hamas” were actually real, then among thousands of photos of violence and devastation caused by Israel in Gaza there would have been at least a couple of pictures of “Hamas” fighters that Israel is supposedly fighting there.

2) “Crude homemade rocket”: Any self-propelled projectile weapon with flight range up to 100 miles and/or warhead containing less than 250 pounds of explosive, and approved by the United Nations for use against any civilian population outside Europe and North America. May contain homemade white phosphorus.

3) “Iron Dome”: a malicious system built by Israel to viciously demolish the homemade rockets that artisans in Gaza have spent countless hours patiently and lovingly assembling.

4) “Pro-Israeli propaganda”: Any internet or print article, or TV report that deviates from reporting the cold hard facts of brutal Israeli massacre of innocent civilians and mentions the existence of so-called “Hamas” as proven fact – especially if those stories in any way insinuate that alleged Hamas’ actions are in any way responsible for provoking Israel.

5) “Freedom fighters”: a courageous organization which is fighting against the established power by any means necessary. This term is often mixed up with “terrorist organization”, defined as a “cowardly organization which is fighting against established power by any means necessary”. I realize this is still confusing, so here are some examples of terrorist organizations: Al Qaeda, Boko Haram, ISIS in Iraq, Kurdish resistance in Turkey, Libyan militias which attacked American consulate in Benghazi. And here are the examples of freedom fighters: Kurdish resistance in Iraq, ISIS in Syria, Libyan militias which attacked Muammar Gaddafi. (Hamas isn’t a part of either list because it isn’t real.)

6) “Apartheid”: a dehumanizing system of racial discrimination and segregation that Israel has established to ensure that Palestinian Arabs living in West Bank have incomparably fewer human rights than Palestinian Arabs living in Israel.

7) “Occupation”: Jewish presence anywhere within 500 miles of Palestine.

8) “Disproportionate response”: any retaliatory action by Israel that unfairly exploits Israeli military superiority. In contrast, a “proportionate response” requires Israel to execute and injure exactly the same number of randomly picked Palestinians for each Jew killed or injured by “crude homemade rockets”.

9) “Peaceful Muslims”: Muslims who do not want to kill Jews and other infidels, but wouldn’t mind if someone else would do that for them.

10) “Genocide”: An act of ruthless and systematic annihilation of ethnic group A by group B which over 60 years leads to quadrupling in size of the ethnic group A.

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