This Thanksgiving weekend, President Obama has pardoned a turkey in a traditional ceremony. However, it wasn’t the President or the turkey who attracted the most attention, but the President’s daughters, Sasha, 13, and Malia, 16, who were visibly frowning and fidgeting throughout the entire televised ceremony. In fact, one Republican political staffer became so incensed by Sasha and Malia’s demeanor and clothing choices, that she posted an angry Facebook rant chastising their behavior and appearance, was immediately criticized for it, apologized, and finally resigned from her job. (So thanks a lot, Sasha and Malia, for piling on even more American job losses). And since the First Daughters would have to face TV cameras many more times in the future, here are 10 new etiquette rules Sasha and Malia must follow to avert any possible Republican outrage about their disrespectful and un-American attitude and attire.
1) While present at any official functions, you must never act as if you’re bored. Instead, you must always show that you’re outraged by your father’s tyrannical actions. This should not be hard since this is a normal teenager behavior.
2) You must always wear clothing as modest and non-revealing as possible. A burqa or a niqab would be a good start.
3) You must always wear an American flag pin to demonstrate your allegiance to the nation. And since this pin might not be visible when you turn away, you must wear another American flag pin on your back, and two more on your shoulders.
4) You should never stay out too late, and always be home on time. This is one rule you are not taking seriously at all, because you two, and all of your family were supposed to have been back to your home in Chicago by 2012 at the latest.
5) Do not ever throw temper tantrums. That’s what Congressional Republicans are here for.
6) No playing on your cell phones, texting, tweeting, or Facebooking while you’re on TV. This is important, because Internet users will notice you tweeting, and will start tweeting about you tweeting, and if you also start tweeting about the Internet tweeting about you tweeting, this would will create an ever-expanding Internet tweetback loop which could bring down the entire Internet.
7) You should never argue with adults. Always remember, adults are always right and know better than you or your dad.
8) If you have done anything wrong, you must apologize. However, since apologizing makes America look weak, you will then have to apologize for making America look weak, then apologize for apologizing, and so on.
9) No one told you to stop apologizing and move on the next advice. Go back to #8, but not before you’re done apologizing for ceasing your apologizing too early.
10) To represent the “real” America, you should try to look as white as possible, and judging by your recent photos, you’re not trying hard enough.