10 Reasons Why United States Is Improving Relations With Cuba

In their face-to-face meeting, Raul Castro expressed optimism for greater co-operation between two countries, then discreetly pointed out to Mr. Obama that his fly is undone. Image credit: Washington Times

In their face-to-face meeting, Raul Castro expressed optimism for greater co-operation between two countries, and discreetly pointed out to Mr. Obama that his fly is undone.
Image credit: Washington Times

During the past few months, relations between Cuba and United States have suddenly improved: the U.S. has removed Cuba from the list of sponsors of terrorism, eased travel restrictions, both countries have re-established diplomatic relations, and this week president Barack Obama met with Cuban president Raul Castro – with all that happening after fifty years of embargo and multiple halfhearted attempts to assassinate Cuban leader Fidel Castro. In fact, if the things continue at the rate they are going now, a year from now Cuba and America will be drunk-texting each other at 3am, and the calls between the nations’ leaders will end in “you hang up first! – no, you hang up first! – no, you hang up!” So what’s behind the sudden warming up of US-Cuban relationship? Here are 10 possible reasons.

1)  This was yet another unpredictable effect of global warming.

2)  After 54 years of American efforts to expand the blockade, it became clear that the no one was willing to help the US in isolating Cuba, except for the Caribbean Sea and the Gulf of Mexico.

3)  Barack Obama finally got tired of Republicans calling him a socialist, and decided to give them an example what actual socialism looks like.

4)  The American politics is so messed up that is easier to open the whole island, than to close the Guantanamo military base on the island.

5)  If Iran’s example is any indication, keeping the sanctions on Cuba increases the risk that Cuba will develop its own nuclear bomb.

6)  With 2016 elections coming up soon, the White House has to scrounge up some extra ambassadorships to entice potential donors.

7)  With demand for oil plummeting, someone has to buy all that extra oil to keep the prices from falling further.

8)  Raul Castro promised Obama that in exchange for ending the sanctions, Cuba will take back Cuban-American presidential candidates Marco Rubio and Ted Cruz.  (For a few billion dollars in aid, Castro agreed to take Donald Trump, too.)

9)  Cuba’s poor human rights record stopped being a hurdle once State Department realized that if the United States were to actually let human rights determine its policy, the U.S. would have to impose sanctions on Texas and Louisiana.

10)  With open borders and multiple direct flights to Cuba, it would be much easier to send someone to finally kill Fidel Castro.

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 42 Comments

10 New National Geographic Shows Under New Fox News Management

New logo of National Geographic

New logo of National Geographic

Australian media mogul Rupert Murdoch, known as the owner of conservative TV channel Fox News, has just bought a 73% controlling stake in National Geographic. Due to the change of ownership to Fox, there will probably be a few minors changes with the National Geographic products, starting with a few brand new TV shows on the National Geographic Channel. Here are 10 of these new shows.

1)  African Wildlife: The program will talk about amazing and endangered African animals like lions, rhinos, elephants, giraffes, and will educate viewers about the habits and behavior of these majestic creatures, and the most exciting ways to hunt and kill them.

2)  Mythcrushers: This 100% original series will bust… I mean, crush, popular myths like global warming, vaccinations, and theory of gravity.

3)  The Birthplace Of A President: The viewers of these series will learn many fascinating facts about the birthplaces of American presidents and their early lives. The first episode will feature the current president Barack Hussein Obama and his birthplace of Kenya.

4)  Home Of The Brave: This series will talk about the modern American explorers – the American soldiers stationed on many overseas military bases. This show will feature one military base per episode and has already been picked up for 20 seasons with 40 episodes in each. The channel is currently in negotiations with the Pentagon about adding a few extra seasons.

5)  Land of The Free: America has long been the beacon of freedom for the entire world. This show will highlight the history of America bringing freedom to many backward countries all over the world over their pathetic and futile stubbornness.

6)  Nature’s Wrath: This show will spotlight natural catastrophes like tsunamis, earthquakes, and tornadoes, and will discuss the latest research into the question of which category of sinners God is punishing by each of these terrifying events.

7)  Doomsday Preppers: This show about the people getting ready to survive in the the post-apocalyptic world will remain in the channel line up, but will refocus on the most likely threats that promise to turn the world into a barren wasteland – real threats like Obamacare or higher taxes on capital gains.

8)  The New Ice Age: This investigative weekly program will dispel the myth of global warming by highlighting the dramatic drop of temperatures in the Arctic, and resulting rapid accumulation of ice and snow. The program will run from September to early February.

9)  Battleground U.S.: This historical series will fairly and balancely chronicle the U.S. Civil War and its battlefields, and highlight the courageous and valiant resistance of brave Southerners against the invasion of marauding hordes of Yankee aggressors.

10)  Earth On The Move: The viewers will learn about the movement of tectonic plates that had shaped the continents and oceans throughout the Earth’s history, all 6,000 years of it.

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 57 Comments

10 Things Jeb Bush Would Change In The Constitution With A Magic Wand

Jeb Bush using a magic wand to fix the Constitution and to make the U.S. Gross Domestic Product grow at 4% as he promised earlier.

Jeb Bush using a magic wand to fix the Constitution and to make the U.S. Gross Domestic Product grow at 4% as he promised earlier.

A couple of days ago, Jeb Bush, one of the leading Republican non-Trump candidates and a devoted admirer of the Constitution, had said in an interview, and I quote, “there are like 10 things I would change in the Constitution with a magic wand“. Since Governor Bush has pretty much written the post title for me, I feel like I should return the favor and help him change these 10 things he wants fixed in the Constitution. (Unfortunately, magic wands are currently out of stock at Amazon.com, so I had to use a magic marker instead). Here are 10 things Jeb Bush would magically change in the Constitution… although he might have gotten a little carried away in the process.











Although the signature section of the Constitution isn’t used to establish any laws, it would be fair to make some adjustments there, as well, so…


Since we’re fixing the Constitution already, is there anything else you want changed once Jeb gets his magic wand?

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 95 Comments

10 Highlights of George W. Bush’s Jury Duty Service

George Bush has been disappointed to hear that this isn't the kind of jury where he gets to meet Jennifer Lopez and Ryan Seacrest. Image source: The Guardian

George Bush has been disappointed to hear that this isn’t the kind of jury where he would get to meet Jennifer Lopez and Ryan Seacrest.
Image source: The Guardian

Since the media has been getting a little carried away with endless discussion of the Thursday’s debate between Republican presidential candidates, I’d like to bring up a completely different story involving an actual Republican president. Did you know that this Tuesday, former president George W. Bush showed up for jury duty in Dallas, Texas? Yes, that jury duty, the only civic responsibility which is less popular than voting and paying taxes. Here are 10 highlights of George W. Bush’s time on jury duty.

1)  George Bush only showed up for jury duty after 5 medical deferments.

2)  In case George Bush was unable to serve on the jury, he brought an alternate juror named Dick Cheney.

3)  A large “Mission Accomplished” banner was hung on the wall as soon as the ex-president entered the courtroom.

4)  President Bush swore to uphold his judicial duty by placing his right hand on a copy of My Pet Goat.

5)  This was the first precedent in the history of the American judicial system when a juror, citing his vast prior experience, had tried to appoint the judge.

6)  Bush kept insisting that all witnesses be waterboarded to verify the truthiness of their testimony, and asked the jurors to add “guilty of one count of producing weapons of mass destruction” into every jury verdict.

7)  All nine justices of the Supreme Court were on call to issue a decision in case the jury votes were split too closely – like within a few hundred votes or so.

8)  During the day when George Bush was supposed to be on jury duty, he spent one third of that time on vacation.

9)  Secret service agents who accompanied the former president had searched everyone present in the courthouse and confiscated all firearms, knives, and pretzels.

10)  George Bush was excused from every trial due to the conflict of interest, when it turned out that practically every person involved in every case before the court had either voted for Bush, or voted against him.

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 54 Comments

10 Easy Questions For The Republican Presidential Debates

This is how the stage of the Republican debate would look like if all candidates were allowed to participate.

This is how the stage of the Republican debate would look like if all candidates were allowed to participate.

The 2016 presidential campaign is now in full swing, and there already seem to be at least several hundred Republicans who have declared that they are running for president – Jeb Bush, Ben Carson, Chris Christie, Ted Cruz, Carly Fiorina, Lindsey Graham, Bobby Jindal, Mike Huckabee, John Kasich, George Pataki, Rand Paul, Rick Perry, Marco Rubio, Rick Santorum, Donald Trump, Scott Walker, just to name a few. To manage the onslaught of the candidates, Fox News, which is hosting the first Republican primary debate on August 6, has already limited the debate to top 10 candidates. (I guess Fox is working on its own list of 10…) However, even with just 10 candidates Fox will face a challenge in how to give every one of them an opportunity to give an extended answer to all the debate questions. It seems that the only reasonable way to do so would be to conduct the debate by asking every question in multiple choice form. So here are 10 proposed multiple-choice questions for the debate.

1)  On the scale from 1 to 10, how much do you hate Barack Obama?
a) 9;
b) 10;
c) All of the above, i.e., 19;
d) I hate the fact that you even bring up Barack Obama.

2)  What is your position on climate change?
a) Climate change is a hoax;
b) Climate change is a natural phenomenon, it’s not man-made;
c) Don’t ask me, I’m not a scientist… and don’t you ask the scientists, either;
d) So what if the ice is melting? These polar bears should just get their act together and find real jobs.

3)  How would you reduce the budget deficit?
a) Cut taxes;
b) Cut taxes;
c) Cut taxes;
d) Cut taxes, if it doesn’t work, cut taxes again.

4)  What is your position on immigration?
a) Deport all illegal immigrants;
b) Deport all immigrants;
c) Deport all non-white people, gays, minorities, single women, liberals, college students, and so on;
d) Cut taxes.

5)  Do you agree with Donald Trump calling Mexicans murderers, drug dealers, and rapists?
a) I agree with Donald Trump;
b) I disagree with Donald Trump saying this out loud;
c) The Republican party must reach out to Hispanics and explain to them that Donald Trump is right;
d) I am Donald Trump.

6)  How would you deal with Iranian nuclear threat?
a) Bomb them;
b) Bomb them to the ground;
c) I will consider all options, then bomb them to the ground;
d) Bomb them to the ground, then rebuild Iran as a strong democracy, then once again bomb them to the ground.

7)  With so many candidates running, what make you different from the other candidates?
a) I am not a politician;
b) I am a Senator, but since I don’t do anything useful in the Senate, I’m essentially not a politician;
c) I have a birthmark under my left knee;
d) I am Donald Trump.

8)  How can you put a stop to Russian aggression in Ukraine?
a) By showing strength;
b) By showing toughness;
c) By showing fortitude;
d) By showing the entire thesaurus page with the full list of synonyms for the word “strength”.

9)  What is your position on abortion?
a) No abortions for anyone, ever;
b) Allow abortions only in the cases of rape, and only with a notarized affidavit from the rapist stating that the rape was legitimate;
c) Allow abortions only in the cases where a fetus is an illegitimate child of a Republican politician;
d) Require transvaginal ultrasounds to all women even thinking about abortion, whether they’re pregnant or not.

10)  Why did you decide to run for president?
a) God told me to run;
b) My family told me to run;
c) My personal trainer told me to run;
d) My hair told me to run.

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 80 Comments

10 Better Ways To Prevent Iran From Making A Nuclear Bomb

The most commonly proposed plan looked pretty much like this.

The most commonly proposed plan looked pretty much like this.

Last week, United States, Germany, France, Russia, and China have signed a deal with Iran which is supposed to make it harder for Iranians to build a nuclear bomb in exchange for easing sanctions against them. The agreement has been criticized by the Republicans in the US and Israel as a “bad deal”, and supporters of the deal insist that there isn’t any better way to stop Iran from going nuclear. Well, that’s obviously not true, because here are 10 people with their extremely realistic alternative proposals to prevent Iran from getting a nuclear bomb.

1) Rand Paul, Republican presidential candidate: “We should let the free market handle it: allow unregulated sales of nuclear weapons, and since there are many people who’d pay a lot of money for a nuclear bomb, Iran would quickly sell all of their nuclear bombs if offered a good enough price.”

2) Chris Christie, New Jersey governor / Republican presidential candidate: “We needed to negotiate tougher, negotiate like people in New Jersey do – jump Iranian negotiators in a dark alley and beat them up until they agree to all of our demands.”

3) Benjamin Netanyahu, Prime Minister of Israel: “This is a bad deal!  We need a better deal that completely dismantles Iranian nuclear program, gets Iran to recognize Israel and stop supporting terrorism, opens their markets, converts Iranians to Judaism, and refocuses Iranian agricultural sector to raise flying pigs and unicorns!”

4) Jeb Bush, Republican presidential candidate: “We should lower the taxes on the rich. I’m not sure why this is even a question – I’m not aware of a single issue that couldn’t be solved by lowering the taxes on the rich.”

5) Lloyd Blankfein, CEO of Goldman Sachs: “The US could ease sanctions just a little to allow Goldman Sachs into the Iranian financial markets.  Our record speaks for itself – remember 2008 Great Recession? collapse of the Greek economy? Now imagine what we could do to Iran without the Federal Reserve or European Union to bail them out.”

6) Lindsey Graham, Republican presidential candidate: “We have to negotiate from the position of strength! And the best way to do that is to make it painfully clear to Iranians just how powerful American military really is, which is why I have been sending to Iranians all kinds of information like military base locations, air defense silo specifications, and blueprints for the latest F-35 fighter.”

7) Mark Zuckerberg, Facebook CEO: “We should open Iran to Facebook, and once Iranians start posting selfies and status updates, we’ll know whether and where Iran is making nuclear bombs even without any inspections.”

8) Scott Walker, (…yep, you guessed it…) Republican presidential candidate: “All options should be on the table… Well, not this deal, this deal is terrible… And not peace treaty, obviously… Ok, what I really mean is that all military options should be on the table.”

9) Brian Moynihan, CEO of Bank of America: “You should have asked our bank to write the text of agreement, so that if Iran misses even one inspection, America could foreclose and repossess Iran.”

10) Dick Cheney, ex-Vice President, possibly a Republican presidential candidate: “We should not hesitate to use military force. This will be a quick and easy war, and we will be greeted as liberators. Russia wouldn’t know what hit them…umm, sorry, did you say Iran?”

Do you have a plan?

Hat tip to twissblog for the inspiration.

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 73 Comments

10 Reactions To Supreme Court’s Legalization Of Same-Sex Marriage

Fox News might have done the celebratory rainbow filter as well, given a huge bump in the ratings the channel received immediately following the decision.

Fox News might have done the celebratory rainbow Facebook filter as well, given a huge bump in the ratings the channel received immediately following the decision.

This Friday, in a surprise 5-4 decision, the Supreme Court legalized gay marriage nationwide. This decision has been widely celebrated nationwide, on the streets and on social media, by LGBT activists and by divorce lawyers, and with White House, Disneyland, and many landmarks lit up in the rainbow colors for the occasion. On the right, the decision was met with assurances that this will lead to mandatory same-sex marriages for everyone, calls for secession and civil disobedience, and threats to move to Canada. Here are 10 of the reactions to the Court’s ruling.

1)  Fox News:  (Silence, then a series loud popping noises as if somebody’s head just exploded.)

2)  Luc Portelance, Director of Canada Border Services Agency: “We expect millions of Americans will now try to move to Canada, and therefore we must immediately erect a wall all along our border to defend our nation from the hordes of uneducated illegal immigrants from the south of the border, who will steal our jobs, and won’t respect our Canadian traditions like metric systems and legalized gay marriage.”

3)  Republican presidential candidates Rick Santorum and Mike Huckabee: “We are outraged by this decision and we shall fight it! And to prove our determination, Mike and I have already signed a pledge in solidarity to defend the marriage from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, till death do us part…. Ummm… Mike? Are you absolutely sure this is the right pledge?”

4)  Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia: “As I’ve written in my dissent on yesterday’s decision on Obamacare, words no longer have meaning, and therefore argle bargle argle bargle gargle margle bargle gay agenda argle bargle shmargle!”

5)  Todd Robertson, Mobile, Alabama: “My preacher said last week that gay marriage will lead to the total destruction of the country. Look, I didn’t believe it at first, but yesterday, my favorite mug fell and broke, then a lightbulb went out, and today I got a flat tire, so I reckon he’s right and the destructin’ has begun…”

6)  Richard Dawkins, atheist philosopher: “So same-sex marriage is legal, and Christian leaders declare that this will lead to to complete collapse of Christianity… So what’s the catch?”

7)  Adam Love, LBGT activist: “Honestly, this decision has put me in a very awkward position, because, I guess, thanks to this decision, I now have to look forward to my partner Steve with his inevitable let’s-chat-about-the-future talk any day now…”

8)  Chief Justice John Roberts: The court should not be even making any decisions on marriage, because marriage is not mentioned anywhere in the Constitution. So, upon further reflection, it became clear to me that every existing marriage is therefore unconstitutional and must immediately be dissolved.

9)  Rush Limbaugh, conservative radio host: No matter what the court thinks, the only true marriage is the marriage between a man and a woman, what you call a traditional marriage. It is the only valid marriage in God’s eyes. And I know that I have not merely followed the will of God, but I have far exceeded God’s expectation by already having had four traditional marriages!

10)  God: Hello? And who do you imagine allowed this decision to happen?… Now please excuse me, as there are dozens of Republican candidates waiting for me to call and tell them to run for president. Oh, and once I’m done, I just might put up some celebratory rainbow colors in the sky, too.

So, what was your reaction? Have Obama’s jack-booted thugs stopped by your house to assign you a mandatory same-sex spouse yet?


Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 93 Comments