10 Things Jeb Bush Would Change In The Constitution With A Magic Wand


Jeb Bush using a magic wand to fix the Constitution and to make the U.S. Gross Domestic Product grow at 4% as he promised earlier.

Jeb Bush using a magic wand to fix the Constitution and to make the U.S. Gross Domestic Product grow at 4% as he promised earlier.

A couple of days ago, Jeb Bush, one of the leading Republican non-Trump candidates and a devoted admirer of the Constitution, had said in an interview, and I quote, “there are like 10 things I would change in the Constitution with a magic wand“. Since Governor Bush has pretty much written the post title for me, I feel like I should return the favor and help him change these 10 things he wants fixed in the Constitution. (Unfortunately, magic wands are currently out of stock at Amazon.com, so I had to use a magic marker instead). Here are 10 things Jeb Bush would magically change in the Constitution… although he might have gotten a little carried away in the process.

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JebConst7

JebConst8

JebConst5

JebConst3

JebConst2

JebConst1

JebConst4

JebConst9

JebConst11

Although the signature section of the Constitution isn’t used to establish any laws, it would be fair to make some adjustments there, as well, so…

JebConst12

Since we’re fixing the Constitution already, is there anything else you want changed once Jeb gets his magic wand?

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 94 Comments

10 Highlights of George W. Bush’s Jury Duty Service

George Bush has been disappointed to hear that this isn't the kind of jury where he gets to meet Jennifer Lopez and Ryan Seacrest. Image source: The Guardian

George Bush has been disappointed to hear that this isn’t the kind of jury where he would get to meet Jennifer Lopez and Ryan Seacrest.
Image source: The Guardian

Since the media has been getting a little carried away with endless discussion of the Thursday’s debate between Republican presidential candidates, I’d like to bring up a completely different story involving an actual Republican president. Did you know that this Tuesday, former president George W. Bush showed up for jury duty in Dallas, Texas? Yes, that jury duty, the only civic responsibility which is less popular than voting and paying taxes. Here are 10 highlights of George W. Bush’s time on jury duty.

1)  George Bush only showed up for jury duty after 5 medical deferments.

2)  In case George Bush was unable to serve on the jury, he brought an alternate juror named Dick Cheney.

3)  A large “Mission Accomplished” banner was hung on the wall as soon as the ex-president entered the courtroom.

4)  President Bush swore to uphold his judicial duty by placing his right hand on a copy of My Pet Goat.

5)  This was the first precedent in the history of the American judicial system when a juror, citing his vast prior experience, had tried to appoint the judge.

6)  Bush kept insisting that all witnesses be waterboarded to verify the truthiness of their testimony, and asked the jurors to add “guilty of one count of producing weapons of mass destruction” into every jury verdict.

7)  All nine justices of the Supreme Court were on call to issue a decision in case the jury votes were split too closely – like within a few hundred votes or so.

8)  During the day when George Bush was supposed to be on jury duty, he spent one third of that time on vacation.

9)  Secret service agents who accompanied the former president had searched everyone present in the courthouse and confiscated all firearms, knives, and pretzels.

10)  George Bush was excused from every trial due to the conflict of interest, when it turned out that practically every person involved in every case before the court had either voted for Bush, or voted against him.

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 53 Comments

10 Easy Questions For The Republican Presidential Debates

This is how the stage of the Republican debate would look like if all candidates were allowed to participate.

This is how the stage of the Republican debate would look like if all candidates were allowed to participate.

The 2016 presidential campaign is now in full swing, and there already seem to be at least several hundred Republicans who have declared that they are running for president – Jeb Bush, Ben Carson, Chris Christie, Ted Cruz, Carly Fiorina, Lindsey Graham, Bobby Jindal, Mike Huckabee, John Kasich, George Pataki, Rand Paul, Rick Perry, Marco Rubio, Rick Santorum, Donald Trump, Scott Walker, just to name a few. To manage the onslaught of the candidates, Fox News, which is hosting the first Republican primary debate on August 6, has already limited the debate to top 10 candidates. (I guess Fox is working on its own list of 10…) However, even with just 10 candidates Fox will face a challenge in how to give every one of them an opportunity to give an extended answer to all the debate questions. It seems that the only reasonable way to do so would be to conduct the debate by asking every question in multiple choice form. So here are 10 proposed multiple-choice questions for the debate.

1)  On the scale from 1 to 10, how much do you hate Barack Obama?
a) 9;
b) 10;
c) All of the above, i.e., 19;
d) I hate the fact that you even bring up Barack Obama.

2)  What is your position on climate change?
a) Climate change is a hoax;
b) Climate change is a natural phenomenon, it’s not man-made;
c) Don’t ask me, I’m not a scientist… and don’t you ask the scientists, either;
d) So what if the ice is melting? These polar bears should just get their act together and find real jobs.

3)  How would you reduce the budget deficit?
a) Cut taxes;
b) Cut taxes;
c) Cut taxes;
d) Cut taxes, if it doesn’t work, cut taxes again.

4)  What is your position on immigration?
a) Deport all illegal immigrants;
b) Deport all immigrants;
c) Deport all non-white people, gays, minorities, single women, liberals, college students, and so on;
d) Cut taxes.

5)  Do you agree with Donald Trump calling Mexicans murderers, drug dealers, and rapists?
a) I agree with Donald Trump;
b) I disagree with Donald Trump saying this out loud;
c) The Republican party must reach out to Hispanics and explain to them that Donald Trump is right;
d) I am Donald Trump.

6)  How would you deal with Iranian nuclear threat?
a) Bomb them;
b) Bomb them to the ground;
c) I will consider all options, then bomb them to the ground;
d) Bomb them to the ground, then rebuild Iran as a strong democracy, then once again bomb them to the ground.

7)  With so many candidates running, what make you different from the other candidates?
a) I am not a politician;
b) I am a Senator, but since I don’t do anything useful in the Senate, I’m essentially not a politician;
c) I have a birthmark under my left knee;
d) I am Donald Trump.

8)  How can you put a stop to Russian aggression in Ukraine?
a) By showing strength;
b) By showing toughness;
c) By showing fortitude;
d) By showing the entire thesaurus page with the full list of synonyms for the word “strength”.

9)  What is your position on abortion?
a) No abortions for anyone, ever;
b) Allow abortions only in the cases of rape, and only with a notarized affidavit from the rapist stating that the rape was legitimate;
c) Allow abortions only in the cases where a fetus is an illegitimate child of a Republican politician;
d) Require transvaginal ultrasounds to all women even thinking about abortion, whether they’re pregnant or not.

10)  Why did you decide to run for president?
a) God told me to run;
b) My family told me to run;
c) My personal trainer told me to run;
d) My hair told me to run.

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 80 Comments

10 Better Ways To Prevent Iran From Making A Nuclear Bomb

The most commonly proposed plan looked pretty much like this.

The most commonly proposed plan looked pretty much like this.

Last week, United States, Germany, France, Russia, and China have signed a deal with Iran which is supposed to make it harder for Iranians to build a nuclear bomb in exchange for easing sanctions against them. The agreement has been criticized by the Republicans in the US and Israel as a “bad deal”, and supporters of the deal insist that there isn’t any better way to stop Iran from going nuclear. Well, that’s obviously not true, because here are 10 people with their extremely realistic alternative proposals to prevent Iran from getting a nuclear bomb.

1) Rand Paul, Republican presidential candidate: “We should let the free market handle it: allow unregulated sales of nuclear weapons, and since there are many people who’d pay a lot of money for a nuclear bomb, Iran would quickly sell all of their nuclear bombs if offered a good enough price.”

2) Chris Christie, New Jersey governor / Republican presidential candidate: “We needed to negotiate tougher, negotiate like people in New Jersey do – jump Iranian negotiators in a dark alley and beat them up until they agree to all of our demands.”

3) Benjamin Netanyahu, Prime Minister of Israel: “This is a bad deal!  We need a better deal that completely dismantles Iranian nuclear program, gets Iran to recognize Israel and stop supporting terrorism, opens their markets, converts Iranians to Judaism, and refocuses Iranian agricultural sector to raise flying pigs and unicorns!”

4) Jeb Bush, Republican presidential candidate: “We should lower the taxes on the rich. I’m not sure why this is even a question – I’m not aware of a single issue that couldn’t be solved by lowering the taxes on the rich.”

5) Lloyd Blankfein, CEO of Goldman Sachs: “The US could ease sanctions just a little to allow Goldman Sachs into the Iranian financial markets.  Our record speaks for itself – remember 2008 Great Recession? collapse of the Greek economy? Now imagine what we could do to Iran without the Federal Reserve or European Union to bail them out.”

6) Lindsey Graham, Republican presidential candidate: “We have to negotiate from the position of strength! And the best way to do that is to make it painfully clear to Iranians just how powerful American military really is, which is why I have been sending to Iranians all kinds of information like military base locations, air defense silo specifications, and blueprints for the latest F-35 fighter.”

7) Mark Zuckerberg, Facebook CEO: “We should open Iran to Facebook, and once Iranians start posting selfies and status updates, we’ll know whether and where Iran is making nuclear bombs even without any inspections.”

8) Scott Walker, (…yep, you guessed it…) Republican presidential candidate: “All options should be on the table… Well, not this deal, this deal is terrible… And not peace treaty, obviously… Ok, what I really mean is that all military options should be on the table.”

9) Brian Moynihan, CEO of Bank of America: “You should have asked our bank to write the text of agreement, so that if Iran misses even one inspection, America could foreclose and repossess Iran.”

10) Dick Cheney, ex-Vice President, possibly a Republican presidential candidate: “We should not hesitate to use military force. This will be a quick and easy war, and we will be greeted as liberators. Russia wouldn’t know what hit them…umm, sorry, did you say Iran?”

Do you have a plan?

Hat tip to twissblog for the inspiration.

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 73 Comments

10 Reactions To Supreme Court’s Legalization Of Same-Sex Marriage

Fox News might have done the celebratory rainbow filter as well, given a huge bump in the ratings the channel received immediately following the decision.

Fox News might have done the celebratory rainbow Facebook filter as well, given a huge bump in the ratings the channel received immediately following the decision.

This Friday, in a surprise 5-4 decision, the Supreme Court legalized gay marriage nationwide. This decision has been widely celebrated nationwide, on the streets and on social media, by LGBT activists and by divorce lawyers, and with White House, Disneyland, and many landmarks lit up in the rainbow colors for the occasion. On the right, the decision was met with assurances that this will lead to mandatory same-sex marriages for everyone, calls for secession and civil disobedience, and threats to move to Canada. Here are 10 of the reactions to the Court’s ruling.

1)  Fox News:  (Silence, then a series loud popping noises as if somebody’s head just exploded.)

2)  Luc Portelance, Director of Canada Border Services Agency: “We expect millions of Americans will now try to move to Canada, and therefore we must immediately erect a wall all along our border to defend our nation from the hordes of uneducated illegal immigrants from the south of the border, who will steal our jobs, and won’t respect our Canadian traditions like metric systems and legalized gay marriage.”

3)  Republican presidential candidates Rick Santorum and Mike Huckabee: “We are outraged by this decision and we shall fight it! And to prove our determination, Mike and I have already signed a pledge in solidarity to defend the marriage from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, till death do us part…. Ummm… Mike? Are you absolutely sure this is the right pledge?”

4)  Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia: “As I’ve written in my dissent on yesterday’s decision on Obamacare, words no longer have meaning, and therefore argle bargle argle bargle gargle margle bargle gay agenda argle bargle shmargle!”

5)  Todd Robertson, Mobile, Alabama: “My preacher said last week that gay marriage will lead to the total destruction of the country. Look, I didn’t believe it at first, but yesterday, my favorite mug fell and broke, then a lightbulb went out, and today I got a flat tire, so I reckon he’s right and the destructin’ has begun…”

6)  Richard Dawkins, atheist philosopher: “So same-sex marriage is legal, and Christian leaders declare that this will lead to to complete collapse of Christianity… So what’s the catch?”

7)  Adam Love, LBGT activist: “Honestly, this decision has put me in a very awkward position, because, I guess, thanks to this decision, I now have to look forward to my partner Steve with his inevitable let’s-chat-about-the-future talk any day now…”

8)  Chief Justice John Roberts: The court should not be even making any decisions on marriage, because marriage is not mentioned anywhere in the Constitution. So, upon further reflection, it became clear to me that every existing marriage is therefore unconstitutional and must immediately be dissolved.

9)  Rush Limbaugh, conservative radio host: No matter what the court thinks, the only true marriage is the marriage between a man and a woman, what you call a traditional marriage. It is the only valid marriage in God’s eyes. And I know that I have not merely followed the will of God, but I have far exceeded God’s expectation by already having had four traditional marriages!

10)  God: Hello? And who do you imagine allowed this decision to happen?… Now please excuse me, as there are dozens of Republican candidates waiting for me to call and tell them to run for president. Oh, and once I’m done, I just might put up some celebratory rainbow colors in the sky, too.

So, what was your reaction? Have Obama’s jack-booted thugs stopped by your house to assign you a mandatory same-sex spouse yet?

 

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 93 Comments

10 Hidden Messages In Presidential Campaigns’ Logos

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Donald Trump’s hair have been running for president for years.

The 2016 presidential campaign is now in full swing, and this week alone had seen two more Republican candidates – Jeb Bush, former governor of Florida, and real estate magnate Donald Trump – throwing their hats into the ring. (Although in Trump’s case, it was probably his hair instead of his hat). Jeb Bush has already released his campaign logo, and the media immediately picked up on the fact that Jeb Bush chose not to put his last name on the logo, and therefore seemed to distance himself from his father, president George H. W. Bush, and his brother, president George W. Bush. However, this is not the only hidden message in Jeb’s campaign logo, or in the logos of other 2016 presidential campaigns, for that matter. Here are 10 of the hidden messages in some the 2016 campaign logos – revealed.

Jeb Bush’s logo:

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Hillary Clinton’s campaign logo

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Republican Senator Rand Paul’s logo:

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Republican Senator Marco Rubio’s logo:

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Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 57 Comments

10 Things Airport Security Actually Does

The most dangerous object on the plane: you could drown someone in it, make someone slip and fall on a wet floor, choke on the bottle cap, terrorize the passengers by crunching the empty bottle... The possibilities are endless.

The most dangerous object on the plane: you could drown someone in this water, or make someone slip and fall on a wet floor, or short a vital electrical circuit, or choke on the bottle cap, or terrorize the passengers by crunching the empty bottle… The possibilities of disaster are endless.

If you had ever flown on a commercial flight in the US in the last 15 years, you have surely had some experience with the airport security, also known as the TSA, also known as the fiercest foe of scissors and water bottles. However, when undercover agents tested just how good is the airport security in catching hidden weapons and explosives, they found that the TSA screeners missed these items in over 95% of the tests. You might be thinking that TSA is totally useless, but the fact is that the airport security is doing a lot of useful things besides their purported job. Here are 10 things that the airport security actually does instead of catching weapons and explosives.

1)  Stopping the transport of water: As the drought in California and floods in Texas prove, an uncontrolled movement of water can lead to all kinds of disasters.

2)  Improving your health: 4 out of 5 doctors recommend walking barefoot, and TSA gives everyone an opportunity to walk barefoot in public and not be thought of as a weirdo.

3)  Providing additional emergency landing safety: By making you bring ziplock bags to display your tiny allowed bottles, TSA ensures you have additional flotation devices in case the airplane makes an emergency landing in the water. (Sure, the flight attendants always say that there is a life jacket under your seat, but how many of you had actually checked?)

4)  Angering the passengers: The airplane passengers have a much better record of stopping potential terrorists than the TSA (who stopped exactly zero of them), and angry passengers are more alert and more likely to tackle and stop a potential terrorist in an airplane.

5)  Stimulating shopping: By making you take off your shoes in public, TSA encourages you to finally buy some new socks without these embarrassing holes.

6)  Providing extra legroom: By confiscating your scissors, water bottles, sunscreens, lighters, screwdrivers, and other deadly items, TSA makes your carry-on smaller, resulting in more free space under the seat in front of you.

7)  Preventing alien invasions: Since TSA apparently isn’t checking passengers for explosives or weapons when they X-ray them, the X-ray machines must be searching for the signs of aliens growing inside you.

8)  Inspiring friendships: By making passengers stand and commiserate in the long lines, TSA encourages face-to-face communication between people and kindles many new acquaintances.

9)  Lowering airplane ticket prices: By discouraging people from flying, TSA reduces the demand for the tickets, which causes the tickets prices go down.

10)  Preventing terrorist acts: By stalling the terrorists in the neverending security lines, TSA makes terrorists miss their flights and wrecks their carefully designed evil schemes.

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 76 Comments