Unless you have been hiding under a rock somewhere, you must have heard that Donald Trump had unexpectedly defeated Hillary Clinton in the November 2016 presidential election (unless you’ve been hiding under a rock precisely because you have heard). After the first shock has dissipated, I’ve collected my thoughts about the election – and then numbered them, as I usually do.
1) Dear Clinton supporters: Stop calling America stupid. First, just because someone disagrees with you doesn’t make them stupid. Second, not only Donald Trump did not win the majority of votes, he lost the popular vote to Hillary Clinton, so if you want to call anyone stupid, that credit should go to the Founding Fathers who invented that abomination called “the Electoral College”. And third, if you had been telling Sanders supporters that Hillary is sure to win by a landslide so they should just get with her, what does that make you?
(This was a trick question, the correct answer is “Wrong”. See point #1.)
2) Dear Canada: Hire more immigration agents. Like, a lot. Like, right now. I have a hunch you’re going to need them. Maybe think about building a wall. We have a guy who says he can do it.
3) Dear Trump supporters: Congratulations are in order. But now it’s your turn to be disappointed when the president doesn’t deliver on his promises. Let’s just say that the wall on the border is probably not going to get built until after pigs learn to fly or after Donald Trump releases his tax returns, whichever comes earlier.
4) Dear mainstream media: You’ve done such an excellent job of convincing the voters that Hillary Clinton is guaranteed to win that I’m surprised that anyone even bothered to show up to cast a vote for her.
5) Dear people who chose not to vote, or voted for a third party because you didn’t want to pick the lesser of two evils: I respect your position, I do, and I hope you’ll enjoy the evil we picked out for you.
6) Dear Republican party: You now have the presidency, the House, and the Senate majority. However, after a 7 year advanced master class in Senate filibusters, I guess that Democrats at the very least owe you the same courtesy. So now you’ll get to complain that you have the mandate, and it’s unfair that a minority can block a majority, and so on, while the Democrats get the fun job of prattling about “checks and balances” while accomplishing nothing useful.
7) Dear Donald Trump: Congratulations! You have proved that the media and establishment support, money, ground game, and all that stuff thought to be necessary to win a major campaign is really not. I hope you’ll be a better president we were expecting you to be, and, in a bit advice, don’t ever, ever, ever use email. As it turns out, we as a nation are willing to overlook fraud, tax evasion, and sexual assault, but not ever using the wrong email account.
8) Dear Hillary Clinton: ….well….. at least, the good news is, no one is going to care anymore about your emails or what exactly the Clinton Foundation does. Also, I think there might be some other members of your family who haven’t ran for president yet, maybe they could try next time.
9) Dear President Obama: Thank you, you’ve done a pretty decent job as the president. But don’t think that your service will be over on January 20, 2017 – you are still going to be the one to get blamed for anything that goes wrong at least until 2021.
10) Dear America: This was interesting. Let’s do this again in four years? Only with all different candidates, okay?