Last Tuesday, America elected Donald Trump as our new president, and he has been diligently working to assemble the list of people he wants to nominate for various positions in his cabinet. And since Donald Trump isn’t a regular politician, the people he wants to put in charge of the government won’t be regular politicians either. Here are 10 federal jobs and 10 people Donald Trump is considering for these jobs.
1) Transportation Security Administration: Billy Bush, the co-star of the Trump’s infamous “Grab-em-by-the-p***y” leaked video. In this video, Mr. Bush proved that he would be well-suited for enabling the TSA agents to grab people without their consent.
2) Department of the Interior: Sarah Palin. Not only she prefers to stay in the interior of the country and avoids the liberal coasts of the US, she also took a college course in interior design.
3) Food and Drug Administration: Bill Cosby. A nationally recognized expert in administering drugs with food and drinks. Nomination is pending the Senate approval and the outcome of 7,589 upcoming rape trials.
4) Environmental Protection Agency: Princess Elsa from Frozen. She can stop the global warming without any job-killing regulations. And yes, she is fictional, but according to Donald Trump, so is global warming.
5) Women’s Bureau: Any randomly picked male. The government needs more diversity, and since there are way too many women in this bureau, assigning a male director would improve the gender disparity in the government.
6) Department of Deportation (formerly Immigration and Naturalization Service): To catch and deport illegal immigrants successfully, the head of the department must think like illegal immigrant, act like illegal immigrant, be the illegal immigrant. Which is why this department will be headed by a former illegal immigrant, the First Lady Melania Trump.
7) Department of Defense: John Gotti, mafia boss: Our allies haven’t been paying for our protection, and we’ll need someone to make them pay our due. Because it would be a shame if something bad happened to their nice countries.
8) Press Secretary: A trained parrot named Hanny that can speak four phrases: “Believe me, it’s a disaster”, “Our goal is to make America great again!”, “We have people, best people, and they are looking into this, big league!”, and “I’ll take the next question from the Fox News”.
9) Office for Civil Rights: David Duke, former Ku-Klux-Klan leader. He has proved to be the most knowledgeable about civil rights and is able to identify at least 88 times as many civil rights granted to the minorities than what an average American could ever name. He should be able to cut through the glut of federal civil rights regulations and cut down the excessive civil rights to a more manageable few.
10) Fish and Wildlife Service: Phil Robertson, star of the Duck Dynasty reality show. He knows tons of ways to preserve fish and wildlife: smoking, salting, freezing, pressure canning, dehydration, and so on.
Since there are at least 10,000 various other federal departments, agencies, bureaus, and offices, please feel free to suggest your nominations.