Random Thought: Tea Party, Freedom, And English Language

Posted on April 8, 2012 by List of X

An Easter Revelation: When Tea Partiers talk about “freedom”, they really say “my freedom”. However, due to complexities of the English language, the first two letters “m” and “y” are silent, like “l” in “talk” and “b” in “dumb”.  Not coincidentally, those two partially silent words are also commonly associated with the Tea Party.  Therefore, when the Tea Parties are saying “freedom”, they are not talking about general “freedom” and especially are not talking about “your freedom”.  That apparently has caused some confusion.  In Tea Party English, “Your freedom”, such as freedom of abortion, contraception, separation of church and state, and so on, is completely silent.

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10 Reasons Why Ronald McDonald Is The Perfect Republican Candidate

Posted on April 1, 2012 by List of X
Enrique Iglesias and Ronald McDonald Español: ...

(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

According to some recent polls, many Republican voters are not happy with the remaining GOP candidates who are still running for the party nomination, and are still hoping for a perfect candidate. And yet, at the same time, there is a perfect Republican candidate just around the corner.  He is Ronald McDonald, the famous clown mascot of the McDonalds restaurant chain.  He may not seem like the obvious choice, but here are 9.99 reasons why Ronald McDonald should be the Republican nominee:

1) He is a clown, just like most of the other Republican candidates. But unlike the other candidates, Ronald McDonald is at least honest about it.

2) He shares the first name with a Republican voters’ icon Ronald Reagan, and has the same last name with another Republican voters’ favorite, the McDonalds.

3) Just like with the other candidates, no one truly knows who is the real guy behind the suit and all that make-up.

4) He has decades of business experience with a large multinational corporation, just like Mitt Romney, and he had helped create millions of jobs, just like Rick Perry. Although those were mostly minimum wage jobs, just like Rick Perry’s.

5) Just like the names of Republican Senators and Representatives, Ronald’s full name also comes with the “R” attached at the end: Ronald McDonald®.

6) Ronald McDonald’s position on providing low-cost, high-calorie food which causes obesity is an exact opposite to the Obama’s agenda.  Granted, it is really Michelle Obama’s anti-obesity agenda, but still, being against Obama is all that really matters to the Republican voters.

7) Just like Rick Santorum, Ronald McDonald is also fond of wearing sleeveless vests. However, Ronald clearly loves America more than Rick does, because Ronald is wearing his sleeveless vest over the American flag shirt.

8) Also, while the only thing Rick Santorum cares about is family values, Ronald McDonald also cares about the economy, hunger and poverty, and that is why he is offering to Americans the affordable Family Value Meals starting at only $9.99.

9) Ronald McDonald has a better chance of being taken seriously as contender for nomination than Ron Paul.

10) Ronald McDonald is pro-liberty and democracy, and against tyranny and monarchy.  After all, his Enemy Number 1 is Burger King.

Well, what do you know… Ronald McDonald IS the best candidate. Go Ronald McDonald/Bettie Crocker 2012!!! Calories we can believe in!

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10 Proposed Slogans For the Barack Obama’s Re-Election Campaign

Posted on March 30, 2012 by List of X
Official photographic portrait of US President...

Image via Wikipedia

The year 2012 is the year of the presidential campaign, and each presidential campaign needs campaign slogans.   The President Barack Obama will be campaigning again in 2012, it would make sense to pick some new slogans for the 2012 campaign, rather than reuse the “Hope And Change” and “Change We Can Believe In” from 2008.  Here are the 10 of the slogans that Barack Obama’s re-election campaign may want (or not want) to use.

Obama/Biden 2012:  This November, Hope there is no Change!

Obama/Biden 2012:  We found the birth certificate!

Obama/Biden 2012:  The ultimate “Not-Mitt Romney” candidate.

Obama/Biden 2012:  Fighting for the 99% with the campaign donations from the 1%!

Obama/Biden 2012:  Uniting and inspiring Republicans better than Reagan!

Obama/Biden 2012:  Reduce federal spending by keeping the same name tag on the Oval Office!

Obama/Biden 2012:  Solyndra and $16 muffins create jobs too!

Obama/Biden 2012:  Don’t like Obamacare?  Fine, vote for Romneydon’tcare!

Obama/Biden 2012:  Blaming George W. Bush for the American economy since 2006.

Obama/Biden 2012: Once you go black, you don’t go back!

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Random thought #5

Posted on March 27, 2012 by List of X

New York Jets have signed a contract with Tim Tebow.  I guess he took the deal because Jets offered to pay Tebow more than God is paying him.

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Random Thought #4

Posted on February 27, 2012 by List of X

According to CNN, Rick Santorum will receive protection from the Secret Service.  Great.  Now who is going to protect us from Rick Santorum?

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10 Reasons Why Catholic Church And GOP Are Opposed To The Birth Control Mandate

Posted on February 11, 2012 by List of X
English: Cover of Birth Control Review July 19...

Image via Wikipedia

Recently, the White House revealed the rule from the healthcare law, that requires church-affiliated employers (although not churches themselves) to cover free birth control in their employer-provided health insurance plans.  The Catholic bishops and Republican leadership were outraged, and even today’s compromise that would require the insurers to provide the coverage to employees directly was not enough to put out the fire.  Here are 10 reasons why the Catholic church and GOP leadership are against the birth control requirement.

1)  The Catholic Church institutions already offer a free birth control plan to women.  The plan works as follows: if God does not want you to get pregnant, you won’t get pregnant.  It’s called “Immaculate Contraception”.

2)  In the opinion of the Catholic Church, the world is severely underpopulated. Meaning, underpopulated by Catholics, specifically. All the others will go to hell anyway so they don’t count.

3)  The Republican party does not want the government to infringe on  our freedoms. They want the church to infringe on our freedoms.

4)  Because the contraception will reduce the number of unwanted pregnancies, which will reduce the number of abortions, and the goal of Catholic church is to reduce the number of abortions…  If that does not sound logical, remember that logic is usually not a strong point of religion.

5)  Catholic priests prefer boys, and boys don’t get pregnant.

6)  GOP needed an issue to anger their base and capture the voters attention. Otherwise the voters might actually notice that the economy is improving.

7)  The debate gives the Catholic bishops a rare opportunity to talk about having sex.

8)  Planned Parenthood received so many donations after Susan G. Kommen foundation cut its funding, that it decided to have another fundraiser.

9)  The Catholic church cannot afford to pay for the contraception since it spent too much money settling the lawsuits against the pedophile priests.

10)  Catholics always fight for the right of the unborn, because the unborn children are the only people that are 100% likely to attend the same church that their parents are attending.

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10 Reactions To The Results Of Iowa Caucuses

Posted on January 4, 2012 by List of X

Last night, Mitt Romney won the Iowa caucuses

Iowa Caucus - Illustration

with about 25% of the vote, with former senator Rick Santorum just behind him by 8 votes, followed by Ron Paul, Newt Gingrich and Rick Perry, and then Michele Bachmann and Jon Huntsman in single digit percentages.  Next week the circus will repeat in New Hampshire, and is eventually coming to a theater near you.  The Iowa results were surprising and expected at the same time, and here are 10 of the reactions to the results of Iowa caucuses.

New Hampshire:  Finally, now that the Iowa caucuses are done, we will get to enjoy the seven days once every four years during which everyone remembers that we are not a part of Massachusetts.

Rick Santorum:  I am very surprised with the way the caucus turned out.  I was not actually planning to win, since was only hoping to generate enough coverage which would overcome that horrible and nasty search result that always pops up on top when you Google the word “Santorum”.  No-no-no! Don’t Google that!

Newt Gingrich:  With so much negative advertising targeted at me in the last days before the caucuses, I can definitely declare my caucus result a great success.   You know, I should definitely declare my entire primary campaign outcome a success right now.   Actually, why wait, I am just going to declare my success in the general election…  Ah, what the hell, I am the President!

Rick Perry:  I think this is a very good result for me.  I mean, there were only four candidates ahead of me – Mitt Romney, Newt Gingrich, Ron Paul, and the fourth one… umm…. let’s see… ugh…, I can’t remember the fourth one. I can’t. Sorry. Oops.

Rick Santorum:  No-no-no, don’t Google me!

Department of Political Science and Statistics, Harvard University:  Statistically speaking, the fact that someone wins the Iowa caucuses does not serve as a reliable predictor of winning either the Republican nomination or the general election.  Therefore, the nation could save millions of dollars if, instead doing all this campaigning, we would simply pick one of the candidate’s names from a hat.

Ron Paul:  Well, I think my success in Iowa, and I have previously defined the success in Iowa as being one of the top three candidate there, signifies that I would definitely be just as successful in the general election, and therefore would most certainly make it in the top three in the match up against Barack Obama.

Mitt Romney:  I have won by no less than 8 votes, with nearly 25% of voters choosing me!  This is a clear indication of my superiority and my electability in the general campaign.  You know it is true because I have defeated such a formidable candidate as Rick Santorum!  Yep, Santorum.  Don’t believe me? Google him!

Barack Obama:  I don’t know about you guys, but I got 100% of the vote in mine.  Granted, just three people bothered to show up for Democratic caucuses, but still, pretty good, huh?…

Jon Huntsman:  The bad news is that, unfortunately, me being a multimillionaire businessman Mormon ex-governor with an obvious connection to Obama did not confuse the Iowa voters into thinking that I am Mitt Romney.  But the good news is that 25% of caucus voters did cast a vote for Mitt Romney under apparent impression that they are voting for me.

Iowa:  Noooo!  Please, my beloved primary campaign, don’t leave me for that old New Hampshire hag!  I can’t survive without your attention!  Please don’t just use me and leave in the morning, like you always do!  I beg you! I’ll behave, I promise, I will stop changing my mind every month!  Remember how amazing the last year has been, just you and me, and no one else, and we had so much fun together…. Fine…  Don’t wanna play it nice…. Ok…. You know what?  I’m pregnant!

Joe Biden: Huh?  What caucuses?

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10 Reasons Why People Are Buying Record Number Of Guns These Months

Posted on December 28, 2011 by List of X
Case O' Guns

According to the FBI, November of 2011 and December of 2011 so far are the two months with all-time records for numbers of background checks required to buy a firearm, with all-time one day records reported on Black Friday 2011 and December 23rd.  Here are 10 of the reasons for the record gun sales in the last two months of 2011.

1)  Black Fridays are getting scarier every year.

2)  Every Republican candidate is buying a gun for every member of their families, hoping to capture the endorsement from the National Rifle Association.

3)  Americans are trying to support the American manufacturers, and guns are pretty much the only thing left that is still made in the USA.

4)  More cities are banning the use of firecrackers and fireworks on New Year’s Eve and 4th of July for safety reasons, so people are looking at other options.

5)  In some states, a gun is considered the most effective way to protect your home.  From a foreclosure, for example.

6)  Somewhere, the operation Fast and Furious II is getting underway.

7)  The people are buying more guns because their neighborhoods are becoming more dangerous, and their neighborhoods are becoming more dangerous because the people there are buying more guns.

8)  People need guns to protect their families from home intrusions, and traditionally, Christmas is the day when record number of home intrusions occur, mostly by an old white male in a red suit sneaking in through a chimney.

9)  Weapons manufacturers are trying to sell more guns domestically to maintain their production levels, now that the war in Iraq is over.

10)  According to NRA, the people are buying weapons because they are afraid that Obama  will take away their guns.  Because, how would Obama take away somebody’s gun if that somebody does not buy the gun first?

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10 Reasons Why Herman Cain Suspended His Presidential Campaign

Posted on December 6, 2011 by List of X

Last Saturday, Herman Cain declared that he is suspending his campaign amid allegations of sexual harassment and extramarital affairs, and, of course, falling poll numbers.  But, of course, he did not quote these obvious reasons for the suspension.  Here are 10 other reasons why he had suspended his campaign.

1)  He could not find his birth certificate.

2)  Cain’s 9-9-9 taxation plan proved to be too complex for Republicans (because essentially, any plan which requires paying any taxes whatsoever is too complex to GOP)

3)  The presidential campaign was interfering with Mr. Cain’s focus on sexual harassment and extramarital affairs.

4)  He had already landed a contract on Fox News, which is what he was really campaigning for anyway.

5)  A number of Newt Gingrich’s wives, ex-wives and mistresses threatened to come forward with information about their relationships with Herman Cain, unless Cain drops out of the campaign and endorses Gingrich.

6)  Herman Cain had realized that winning the election would require him to work in that very government which he hates so much.

7)  The recent polls were clearly showing that Cain was quickly losing evangelical voters to Newt Gingrich and stupid voters to Rick Perry.

8)  Herman Cain’s wife was extremely upset with him: not only she had found out that he had been cheating on her, but also as it turns out, he was running for president without even telling her.

9)  He decided to take a pause to marry everybody he ever had a relationship with.  Well, it worked for Gingrich, didn’t it?

10)  While Herman Cain declared earlier that God told him to run, God admitted that he did say as much to Cain, but pointed out that he had that conversation with Cain on April 1st, and it was only meant to be a prank call.

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10 Reasons Why The New York Police Evicted the Occupy Wall Street Protesters

Posted on November 16, 2011 by List of X

Last night, hundreds of New York police officers in riot gear entered Zucotti Park in Lower Manhattan where the Occupy Wall Street protesters had been camping for weeks, and forcefully evicted the protesters, injuring and arresting some of them in process.  The protesters have already received a court order allowing them to return, and are now back in the park.  Still, here are the reasons why NYPD decided to evict the Occupy Wall Street protesters from Zucotti Park.

occupy berlin

1)  City officials decided to show concern for health and safety of protesters by having the police beat up and arrest them.

2)  It turned out that the “We are the 99%” movement did not actually have that much popular support: a statistical research showed that the 99% of the 99% are not really concerned that the 1% own and earn much more than they do, because they are confident that very soon they will also become a part of the 1%.  The 98% of those 99% then proceeded to buy a lottery ticket.

3)  The top 1% of the city administration finally lost 99% of their patience.

4)  The NYPD wanted to provide the opportunity for the Occupy Wall Street movement to branch out into the “Occupy Prison” movement.  Occupy Prison!  Because just 1% of all people commit 40% of all the crimes!

5)  For two months, the protesters have not been able to agree on a single agenda, other than wanting to camp out for free in Manhattan.

6)  The city administration had been counting on the promised End Of Days, scheduled for October 21, 2011, to work out the protester problem, as well as many other city issues, such as crime and budget deficit.

7)  After weeks of standing still, the police officers decided that they needed some exercise, and it would be good for Occupiers too.   After all, what kind of movement is that if it does not move anywhere?

8)  According to the New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg, the park is required to be open for passive recreation 24 hours a day.  However, in Mayor’s opinion, lying around in tents and sleeping bags just was not passive enough.

9)  NYPD simply organized a counter-protest to the Occupy Wall Street movement, called the Free Wall Street movement.

10)  The Wall Street complained to the United Nation about the oppressive occupation and illegal settlements in the Zucotti park which they consider historically their territory, and asked for a member-state status in the UN – and why not, since they own most of the USA anyway.

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