The Transportation Security Administration at the US airports is getting their new full-body security scanners and new enhanced patdown process which is only slightly less intrusive than an autopsy, and no wonder that passengers, pilots, and flight attendants are revolting against the new rules. However, many of us tend to forget that TSA is actually making the world a better place. Here are the 10 ways how they are doing that.
1) TSA provides many great employment opportunities to registered and unregistered sex offenders, voyeurs and child molesters, thus keeping them away from your neighborhood.
2) Because many people are now avoiding the air travel altogether, the TSA actions reduce the pollution from the airplanes while increasing the number of passengers on the much more efficient public transportation such as trains or buses.
3) It will also generate more revenues for the shipping companies such as FedEx and UPS, due to expected increase in the number of packages sent from the Middle East.
4) TSA are buying so much radioactive materials for their scanners that Iran will never get enough uranium to make a nuclear bomb.
5) TSA has finally provided an indisputable proof that an alien spaceship really crashed in Roswell, NM in 1947 by incorporating in their procedures the most advanced and effective alien technology known to humans – the anal probe.
6) Female travelers will be able to opt out of the annual breast exam in favor of the pat-down, while males will be able to forgo the testicular examinations. And with the TSA success record you can be rest assured that they will not find anything dangerous there. Also, you would get a free massage.
7) For the children, TSA would provide a viable alternative to Catholic church: children would be groped and molested by a man in a uniform just as they think they are on their way to heaven.
8 ) The radiation exposure from the scanners will greatly reduce your chances of dying from Alzheimer’s, heart attack, car accident or other unrelated cause of death, although may increase your chances of dying of embarrassment.
9) The infamous “The Pedophile’s Guide to Love and Pleasure: A Child-Lover’s Code of Conduct” pedophile how-to guide has been pulled from Amazon.com so that it could be converted into a TSA training guide named “The Patdownophile’s Guide to Glove and Security: A Child-Groper Code of Conduct”.
10) Finally, the TSA security procedures are making the potential terrorists realize that passengers aren’t the real enemy. And on the other hand, the passengers are realizing that terrorists aren’t that scary either.