10 Things Sarah Palin Would Have Done If She Did Become President

Posted on October 6, 2011 by List of X
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Sarah Palin has finally made an official announcement that she will not be running for President in 2012, although she may still secretly be hoping to pick up a Vice Presidential nomination to pair up with another sufficiently old and unhealthy candidate.  So imagining for a minute that Sarah did run and did win the 2012 elections, these would be the things she would have done as the President of the United States.

1.  Quit the job after 2 years to concentrate on her family.  The concentration on her family would involve Fox News, Dancing With The Stars, going on book tours, and starring in a C-SPAN reality show “Sara Palin‘s White House”.

2.  Install a telescope so she would not only see Russia from her house, but also see what Vladimir Putin is up to.  Then put up some nice American flag curtains so that Putin could not spy back on her.

3.  Make peace in the Middle East.  You know, that part of the coast between Northeast and Southeast.

4.  Close Harvard, Yale and Stanford as elitist institutions, and refudiate correct spelling as another burdensome regulation.

5.  Claim that the actions of the previous administration had made it impossible for her to locate and kill Osama bin Laden.

6.  Order an assassination of Levi Johnston (the former future husband of her daughter) instead.

7.  Raise the debt ceiling, because it is only a bad thing when a Democratic President tries to do it.

8.  Remove the White House solar panels, drill the White House floor for oil, and raze Michelle Obama’s vegetable garden as symbolizing the government interference into people’s eating habits, and plant hamburgers and french fries there instead.

9.  To demonstrate her commitment to reducing the government and promoting individual freedom, order that all nuclear weapons are distributed to ordinary American citizens, because each person should have a nuclear weapon and make their own personal decision on who and when to nuke.

10.  Ask Congress to repeal the law of gravity because it creates an unbearably heavy burden on small and large American businesses.

Oh well.  At least the fact that she had decided not to run finally shows that she is actually capable of making wise and pragmatic decisions worthy of president. But do not worry about the list above going to waste.  President Bachman or Perry could still get a lot of it done.

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10 Places Where Moammar Gaddafi Might Be Hiding

Posted on August 24, 2011 by List of X
Muammar al-Gaddafi at the 12th AU summit, Febr...

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The Libyan rebels have took over most of Tripoli in the last couple of days, and have captured the Moammar Gaddafi’s compound.  But they have found no trace of the colonel Gaddafi himself, even though he regularly posts videos urging his supporters to fight for him.  So where the hell is he?  In hell?  Although it is possible, if hell has Youtube (which it probably does), he is believed to still be alive and still be under impression that he controls the country.  So here are 10 more likely places where Moammar Gaddafi might be hiding.

1)  Gaddafi had obtained an advanced identity- and appearance-changing device which will render him completely unrecognizable and fully invisible anywhere in North Africa and Mid East.  In Arabic, this device is called “burqa”.

2)  While the rebels are celebrating their victory by constantly shooting their weapons into the air, he is waiting for their ammunition to run out so he could launch a counterattack.

3)  He had attended Kim Kardashian’s wedding, and enjoyed it so much that he stayed for her honeymoon.

4)  Did anyone check Abbotabad?

5)  He is busy with preparations to launch his campaign for a Republican presidential nomination.

6)  He is leading the rebels to victory.

7)  He is posing for a new puzzle “Forget Waldo, where’s Gaddafi?”

8)  Because there are millions of acceptable spellings of his name, such as Muammar Quaddafi, Moamar Gaddafi, Moamur Kadaffi, etc., he is simply living in Tripoli, Iowa under yet another spelling his own name, this time spelled as “John Smith”.

9)  He is vacationing at Martha’s Vineyard, and getting a lot of criticism from many prominent Republicans for taking time off when his country is in crisis.

10) He became just another anonymous blogger on internet, possibly writing witty posts on where Gaddaffi may be hiding.

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10 Drug Warning Labels For The Republican Candidates

Posted on August 16, 2011 by List of X
GOP Presidential Debate June 13, 2011 in New H...

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According to numerous recent polls, Barack Obama would lose the presidential race to a “Generic Republican Candidate” if such a contest were held.  Unfortunately, the Generic Republican Candidate has not officially declared his candidacy (yes, “his”, not “her” candidacy – a Generic Republican Candidate would definitely be a “he”).  So in the absence of generic, the Republican voters must choose among the brand-name Republican presidential candidates currently available on the market.  And since all of these candidates claim to be the cure for the economy, deficits, depression and socialism, here are 10 brief drug warning labels for the brand-name Republican candidates.

Michele Bachman®:  May cause anger flashes, severe inflammation and dryness of the mouth.  Will exacerbate or cause severe Obamophobia, although all reviewed brands tend to do that to a degree.

Donald Trump®:  “As seen on TV”. Known to cause disorientation, confusion, dizziness and hair problems.  In extreme cases, may lead to bankruptcy.  Has strong but a short-lived effect.  Does not work as advertised and quickly reaches expiration date.

Ron Paul®:  May cause anxiety, restlessness, and obsessive attachment to gold.  Highly addictive.

Mitt Romney®:  As a front-running candidate, may cause the runs.  In certain conditions may cause an abnormal economy growth but this side effect is not common.

Tim Pawlenty®:  May cause drowsiness and constipation.  However, the product had just been recalled by the manufacturer and will now be locally available only in Minnesota.

Jon Huntsman®:  Essentially a product of the alternative medicine, influenced by the traditional Chinese medicine.  However, unlike most comparable products, this one is not Tea-based. Has no known side effects but, as an many other alternative products do, has no proven benefits either.  Still in development.

Newt Gingrich®:  In high doses, has been known to cause a temporary paralysis of political system and a bladder incontinence (also known as “a trickle-down effect”).

Herman Cain®:  May result in blurred vision of the future, moderate to severe mad-as-hell-and-not-gonna-take-it-anymore-ness, and mild pizza craving.

Rick Perry®:  May cause a mild secession and extreme redness of your state.

Sara Palin®:  May cause irritation, severe allergic reaction, and a hallucinatory vision impairment by causing you to see Russia from your house.  In some male voters, may also cause an arousal of civic responsibility.  Currently awaiting an approval from the FDA (First Dude of Alaska, Todd Palin) to return to the market.

Please do not hesitate to add side effects you are seeing, as different people may experience different side effects.

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10 Other Things Which Standard & Poor’s Had Also Downgraded

Posted on August 12, 2011 by List of X
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Last Friday, the Standard & Poor’s rating agency downgraded the USA debt credit rating from AAA to AA+.  S&P then went on a downgrade rampage, lowering the credit ratings of Fannie Mae, Freddy Mac,  thousands of municipal bonds and basically everything that moves.  Here are some other things that Standard & Poor’s had also downgraded.

1) Continuing with the clean up of the AAA ratings, Standard and Poors‘ downgraded AAA batteries to AA+ batteries.  In addition, although these batteries had previously had both positive and negative sides, the S&P had changed the outlook on both sides to “negative”.

2) Barack Obama has been downgraded to Barack Obam.  S&P has stated, however, that if economy improves sufficiently, the president could be upgraded, but only up to Barack Obam+.

3) Due to continuing riots and looting, London had been downgraded to Detroit+.

4) After the Treasury Department had caught S&P making the $2 trillion dollar math error in its downgrade calculation for US bonds, the rating agency had subsequently downgraded its own $2 trillion error to “unimportant”.

5) Google+ has been downgraded to just Google.  As a result of the downgrade, any private or embarrassing information you had already posted on Google+ will now be available on Google.

6) After serious deliberations, S&P had decided to downgrade the number pi from 3.1415926535898… to 2.99 citing the uncertainties in the current number and concerns over uncontrollable growth of the number of decimals in the number.  Among the other major reasons for the downgrade of pi, S&P had quoted the fact that the number pi is 100% irrational, which is 2% even less rational than US government which had already been downgraded.

7) Finally, S&P had downgraded this post to only 7 items.

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10 Reasons Why Negotiations To Raise the Debt Ceiling Are Taking So Long

Posted on July 22, 2011 by List of X

Call them,stop the Debt Ceiling Sellout,tell t...

Earlier this year, White House had asked Congress to raise the US debt ceiling.  While almost everyone agrees that raising the debt ceiling is necessary, the talks on the increase to the US debt ceiling have continued for weeks so far with little success, this little success being the fact that we are not in default yet.  Here are 10 reasons why the negotiations had dragged on for so long:

1)  Both Republicans and Democrats were hoping that Greece defaults first so they could see what would actually happen in the case of default.

2)  It is extremely difficult to find a time to negotiate when everyone’s schedule is filled with press-conferences set up to blame the other party for not negotiating in good faith.

3)  It took both Republican and Democratic Congressmen a while to realized that in the case of default they would not get their salaries.  But then each had realized that in the case of default the members of other party won’t get paid, too!

4)  Republicans understand the importance of physical activity and use every opportunity to walk out of negotiations.

5)  A Republican-majority Congress was busy trying to pass as many insane plans as possible before the deadline.

6)  After the House Majority leader Eric Cantor allegedly stormed out of the negotiations, causing the media to predict the imminent default and shaking the stock market, the parties agreed to install a bathroom inside the negotiation room so that the stock market does not drop by 500 points every time one of them needs to use the toilet.

7)  The parties had to sidetrack into the negotiations on whether to pay for the bathroom installation by raising taxes or by entitlements cuts.

8)  It’s a well known fact that Grover Norquist of Americans for Tax Reform organization had convinced almost every congressional Republican to sign “no new taxes” pledge.  However, he had also convinced them to sign a much lesser-known pledge to behave like obstinate assholes.

9)  By manufacturing and prolonging the crisis, both parties hoped to create additional news media jobs.

10)  The Republican party was trying to figure out a way to make the US Government to go into default so that the Democrats get blamed for it.

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Random Thought…

Posted on July 6, 2011 by List of X

Prosecutors in the Dominique Strauss-Kahn case had realized that the alleged victim/accuser may not be 100% credible after they had realized that her name was Casey Anthony.

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Random Thought…

Posted on June 17, 2011 by List of X

First San Francisco is in the news because they were trying to ban circumcision.  Now they are trying to ban Goldfish… (http://www.foxnews.com/politics/2011/06/16/san-francisco-wants-to-ban-goldfish-to-prevent-their-inhumane-suffering/).  Are they going to try to ban other Jewish last names too?

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Random Thought…

Posted on June 10, 2011 by List of X

Finally, the Weinergate (and especially its X-rated pictures) clearly demonstrate that the Democrats do have some balls.  Although they tend to lie that the balls are not theirs.

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10 Reasons Why the Dutch Government Is Banning Foreigners From Amsterdam Coffee Shops

Posted on June 8, 2011 by List of X
The Singel in Amsterdam, the Netherlands viewe...

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The government of Netherlands is planning to ban all foreign tourists from the Amsterdam’s famous coffee shops where marijuana and hashish are legally available.  (http://www.cnn.com/2011/TRAVEL/06/07/amsterdam.pot.shops.ban).  According to the law, these coffee shops will be open to Dutch citizens only.  Here are 10 reasons why the Dutch government is banning foreigners from the coffee shops.

1) They want to redirect the tourist traffic to the Red Light District.

2) A purple mermaid on the bicycle had told them that it’s a really excellent idea.

3) The Dutch government is trying to encourage immigration to the country.

4) The law is the work of the powerful illegal drug dealers lobby.

5) It was estimated that the measure would reduce crime by 178.8%, according to the statistical model created by the purple mermaid on the bicycle.

6) They are hoping that USA will follow the suit in their fight against obesity by banning French fries for everyone except for French citizens.

7) Because tourists in coffee shops represent by far the biggest problem facing Europe right now.

8) The Dutch government is worried that due to the climate change, there won’t be enough pot for everyone.

9) The law would help the Dutch immigration officials to easily distinguish between tourists and locals by simply checking who is drunk and who is stoned.

10) The government is concerned that the current revenue coming from the coffee shops may cause excess money supply in the economy and result in a hyperinflation, according to the analysis done by the purple mermaid.

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10 Reasons Why Pictures of Osama Bin Laden Have Not Been Released

Posted on May 7, 2011 by List of X

Although the US Government and Al Qaeda both have confirmed that Osama bin Laden is dead, the White House still has not released the pictures of his dead body as many people had asked.  Here are 10 of the reasons why the pictures had not been released.

1)  At the time of his death, bin Laden was wearing the “Obama 2012” T-shirt.

2)  It would allow Wikileaks to also participate in the action.

3)  Since it’s so easy to fake a picture in Photoshop, it would actually be even more suspicious if the pictures had been released.  And yes, some fake pictures are already online.

4)  Donald Trump had not yet asked Barack Obama to release the picture.

5)  If bin Laden’s pictures were released as some had asked, the same people would then ask to release the Osama’s dead body.

6)  Hollywood is already working on a movie about the Navy Seals raid, and there is no better way to end a movie and set up a sequel than with the obvious but unconfirmed death of The Bad Guy.

7)  US Government is concerned that after seeing the pictures, the Islamic terrorists may begin hating America.

8)  Because these photos would upset the American children, who were hoping to grow up and kill Osama bin Laden personally.

9)  The deficit hawks in Congress, who were already extremely displeased with the operation that killed bin Laden because the $25 million reward now has to be added to the nation’s deficit, would have been further incensed with the additional $12.47 bill to print the pictures at Walmart.

10)  The CIA is still trying to figure out how to remove the red eye in Photoshop.

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