Read the list of 10 Commandments closely. As you can clearly see, none of them actually says "Thou shall not bring a concealed gun into the House of Lord".

Read the list of 10 Commandments closely. As you can clearly see, none of them actually say “Thou shall not bring thy concealed gun into the House of the Lord”.

This week, Arkansas state legislature passed a law allowing citizens to carry concealed firearms into churches, synagogues, mosques, and other houses of worships.  Though, since it’s Arkansas, this list can easily be shortened to just “churches”.  Here are 10 reasons why the law allows people to bring a concealed gun to church in Arkansas.

1)  After seeing so many recent articles about gun violence, God just doesn’t feel safe anymore.

2)  Legislators are reacting to multiple disturbing reports of worshipers who had been accosted in church by people demanding they hand over their money and place it on a plate.

3)  The altar boys have to defend themselves from the Catholic priests.

4)  This law is just a first step to passing legislation that would finally allow Americans to carry concealed weapons into Heaven.

5)  What if people in church are attacked by Satan during prayer? Well, sure, it hasn’t happened yet, but then the government hasn’t yet tried to take away our guns either!

6)  If it’s legal to carry a concealed cross to a shooting range, it should be legal to carry a concealed gun to a church.

7)  Arkansas state legislature is filled with closeted Atheists who arrogantly presume that Jesus won’t save anyone.

8)  Because some gun owners secretly pray for an opportunity to take down a bad guy, they should have their gun with them wherever they pray.

9)  We shouldn’t have to carry a gun to church openly because God doesn’t need to know about it.

10)  Armed people prevent a lot of unnecessary deaths. Face it, if Jesus had armed guards, he wouldn’t have had to die for our sins.

Posted on February 6, 2013 by List of X | 25 Comments

10 Reasons Why Sarah Palin Got Fired From Fox News

Posted on January 30, 2013 by List of X

Sarah Palin can now see the unemployment line from her house. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I’ve just learned that Fox News Channel did not renew the contract with former Vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin.  Now would I stoop so low as to mock someone who has been a has-been for years and kick them while they’re down?  You betcha!  So, here are 10 reasons why Fox News fired Sarah Palin.

1)  Palin got fired by Fox to prove that she is not a quitter.

2)  Sarah was caught lip-syncing her rebuttal to Obama’s inauguration speech.

3)  Compared to the new crop of conservatives, Sarah Palin is starting to sound like a liberal.

4)  She wanted to spend time with her family, and find out which reality TV shows they could get her on.

5)  People started referring to Palin as “that Tina Fey look-alike”.

6)  Fox News may not care about Sarah Palin intellectual abilities, but they’ve certainly started to notice that she isn’t getting younger or prettier.

7)  There were allegations of Palin doing the news-cycling using Performance Enhancing Drugs.

8)  This was the only way for Palin to find the time to finally read her best-selling book.

9)  The network position of “Former Republican Vice-Presidential Candidate Beaten In the Last Election” now rightfully belongs to Paul Ryan.

10)  That’s the only way Palin can still get on the news today.

Well, what’s your favorite reason?  Me, I like all of ’em!

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , , | 40 Comments

10 Reactions To North Korean Nuclear Threats

Posted on January 28, 2013 by List of X
Kim Jong-Un clapping

Kim Jong-Un engaged in a military exercise which is testing how he would squish America like a mosquito. (Photo credit: petersnoopy)

Last week, North Korea has responded to a new round of UN sanctions by threatening to undertake another nuclear test and launch a few missiles, and made clear that the aim of the these tests is to scare North Korea’s sworn enemy, the United States.  Here are 10 reactions to the North Korean threats.

1)  Dr. Phil, TV psychologist:  I am not surprised by the North Korea’s threats.   As you know, the North Korean leader Kim Jong-un recently got married, and many men occasionally feel the urge to wreak total nuclear annihilation when their marriage hits a rough patch.

2)  North Korean Army:  Due to our supreme scientific advancements in rocketry, we now have the capacity to deliver a 1,000-pound nuclear warhead to any point in the continental United States!  Please be advised that there will be a $5 delivery charge and we won’t deliver after 10pm.

3)  Obama administration:  Thank God… We thought we’d have to talk about nothing but Benghazi until 2017.

4)  Fox News: Coming up next: a exclusive report on Kim Jong-un’s role in the Benghazi scandal cover-up!!

5)  American Apocalyptic Research Institute:  According to the ancient North Korean calendar, the world is supposed to end on February 13, 2013.  We know we had let you down last year with the faulty prediction we made from the ancient Mayan calendar, but we’ve got a really good feeling about our prediction this time.

6)  National Rifle Association:  This situation is yet another demonstration of the failure of the tyrannical gun control tendencies of Obama administration, which is always infringing on the constitutional rights of the law-abiding citizens to buy and own nuclear weapons.  It should be absolutely clear by now that the only thing that can stop a malevolent maniac with a nuclear missile is a benevolent maniac with a nuclear missile. Also, every school in the country should be equipped with a nuclear missile launch site.

7)  Hu Jintao, President of China:  American citizens shouldn’t be needlessly concerned and need not engage in unnecessary chaos.  North Korea is not planning to declare a war on the United States.  Instead, our neighbor only intends to run a simple weapons test, and the purpose of the test will be to find out what happens if you launch nuclear missile into the US.

8)  United Nations:  We strongly condemn North Korea for their actions that had distracted our organization from our primary mission – condemning Israel!

9)  Reince Preibus, Republican Party chairman:  As you may be aware, the Republican party has began concentrate its efforts on reallocation of the electoral districts, so we are looking forward to this new development. A North Korean nuclear strike will likely re-district the entire West Coast in our favor and will help GOP win the midterm 2014 elections.

10)  CNN:  Have you seen the new hairstyle of North Korea’s First Lady?  Her bangs are amazing!  Don’t you just love them?

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 32 Comments

10 Ways To Celebrate Gun Appreciation Day

Posted on January 18, 2013 by List of X
This is a selfmade image from the english wiki...

If you want to see some serious gun appreciation, head to your nearest Wal-Mart and ask them how much more they charge for the guns today than they did two months ago. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Only a few weeks after the Sandy Hook shooting, some conservative organizations are promoting a national Gun Appreciation Day to be observed on January 19, 2013.  This  holiday is meant to demonstrate the Americans’ unwavering dedication to guns and their devotion to the 2nd Amendment to the Constitution.  However, since this holiday has never been marked before, there is, understandably, some confusion on how exactly this day should be celebrated.  Here are 10 way to celebrate Gun Appreciation Day.

1)  Sign up for a gun safety seminar, and learn how to ensure that your gun is safe from the reach of the federal government.

2)  Have “The Talk” with your son: have a frank chat with him about the birds and the bees, and teach him which caliber is preferable for hunting which creature.

3)  Observe a minute of silence to pay respects to the victims of gun violence by only shooting firearms equipped with silencers during that minute.

4)  Take a class on how to properly oil your firearm.  NRA-certified experts will introduce you to the wide variety of oils and will show you how to gently and sensually rub the oil on the most delicate areas of your weapon.

5)  Learn about the true meanings of the 2nd Amendment: how the Founding Fathers meant it to say that Americans need assault weapons and high capacity magazines to protect themselves from Hitler, and how Hitler fraudulently wrote in “a well-regulated militia” into the Bill of Rights just before it was signed.

6)  Heed the words of wisdom that an armed society is a polite society, and use your gun to teach your kids some table manners.

7)  Hold a gun measuring contest, but remember: it’s not about the size, it’s how you use it.

8)  “Shoot Your Mouth Off And Meet New Friends” (a YouTube event). Shoot and upload a video in exercise of their 1st Amendment right, explaining which government officials you’ll be ready to kill in defense of your 2nd Amendment right. Winners of the contest will get to meet fellow plain-clothed gun owners, and if you do particularly well, they may even invite you to a stay-over at their place for a few days, or even longer!

9)  Educate other people on your 2nd amendment rights by exposing your concealed weapon to unsuspecting passerby’s.

10)  Because the Gun Appreciation Day is observed just two days before the Martin Luther King Day, you can take this opportunity to honor this great American civil rights hero, who in his famous speech said that he had a dream of a better world where all people would be free to own any kind of gun they want.  And of course, it is important to remember that a gun played a crucial role in Reverend King’s life.

And above all, don’t you give a damn about what other people say or do. This ain’t people appreciation day.

So, how are you planning to celebrate Gun Appreciation Day?

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , | 45 Comments

10 Reasons Why Obama Administration Will Not Mint A Trillion Dollar Coin

Posted on January 15, 2013 by List of X

As the nation braces for another round of debt ceiling negotiations, one of the proposed

English: This is a Susan B. Anthony US Dollar ...

Instead of “In God We Trust”, the Trillion Dollar Coin would have had the text “Property Of Chinese Government”.      (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

ideas for avoiding the debt ceiling debacle involves minting a trillion dollar platinum coin and depositing it with the United States Treasury.  However, the White House has officially declared that the Trillion dollar coin solution is now off the table.  Here are 10 reasons why Obama Administration decided not to mint the trillion dollar coin.

1)  No matter how hard they tried, US Mint just could not fit all the zeros to depict 1 trillion on the single coin.

2)  Barack Obama and Bill Clinton got into a heated argument about which of their faces should be on the coin.  The argument degenerated into a fistfight, and after the fight was over, neither of their faces were fit to be on the coin.

3)  The US Treasury refused to accept the trillion dollar coin, because their coin jar is already full.

4)  According to Republicans, Obama’s decision to mint a trillion coin would have been unconstitutional.  This is because according to Republicans, every Obama’s decision is unconstitutional.

5)  The coin isn’t a fool-proof solution for the debt ceiling crisis.  Heads it solves the crisis, tails it doesn’t.

6)  The administration found itself in a classic Catch-22 situation: the country has to mint a platinum coin to avoid raising the debt ceiling, but the country has to raise the debt ceiling in order to buy the platinum and mint the coin.

7)  A trillion dollar coin would have been change no one could believe in.

8)  The administration understood that minting a trillion dollar coin is just a gimmick rather than a real solution, so they would mint two 500 billion dollar coins instead.

9) Not every gas station in Washington would have change for that.

10)  The economists have calculated that the impact of default on the sovereign debt would be preferable to the risk of accidentally losing the trillion dollar coin while buying something from a vending machine.

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 9 Comments

10 Other Provisions In The Fiscal Cliff Deal

Posted on January 7, 2013 by List of X
079 Capitol Hill United States Congress 1993

Thanks to the hard work of the congressmen, instead of crashing down from the fiscal cliff, we will crash up into the debt ceiling. (Capitol: Photo credit: David Holt London)

As you may have learned from the news, the Obama Administration and Congressional Republicans have reached a deal to avert the so-called fiscal cliff.  The deal raised some taxes, cut some spending, and had not addressed the debt ceiling that would have to be raised so that the country could borrow the money it already decided how to spend.   Here are some of the lesser-known parts in the fiscal cliff deal.

1)  The pay for every member of Congress will now be doubled, because while the Congressmen used to be responsible for solving various crises, they have recently taken up the task of creating these crises as well.

2)  To cut costs., the U.S. Postal Service will stop delivering mail on Saturdays.  Starting next week, postal carriers will wander aimlessly on Saturdays without actually delivering anything.

3)  The deal will establish a nationwide vital record request fee.  This measure is expected to generate up to $10 billion a year just from requests to see Barack Obama’s birth certificate.

4)  In order to save on costs of running the Capitol and congressional offices, the official work schedule of Congress will change so that any actual work will begin 1 hour prior to whatever random self-imposed deadline Congress had previously set, continue for 72 hours of patting themselves on the backs for successfully moving the deadline forward, and  then recess until 1 hour before the next deadline.

5)  Because Big Bird costs taxpayers millions of dollars every year, all funding for Big Bird will be eliminated and Big Bird hunting licences will be sold for $100.

6)  A small package of high-priority Hurricane Sandy relief aid has been included in the debt ceiling deal.  This aid will be directed where it is needed the most: into rebuilding the Dow Jones Index and restoring the Goldman Sachs annual bonuses.

7)  As a part of the deal, Congress had raised debt ceiling by $214.55 to pay for 22 large Domino’s pizzas the Congressmen have ordered while they have been discussing raising the debt ceiling.  The question on how much to give the pizza guy as a tip will be brought up for a vote in front of the full session next Thursday.

8)  Although the deal required those individuals making $400K or more to pay higher taxes, another provision will provide a federal subsidy to the same individuals to help them pay these unbearably high taxes.

9)  Because War on Drugs has cost the nation hundreds of billions, it will be declared to be over and a ceasefire will be established.  Willie Nelson, as the official representative of the side of drugs, will negotiate for the release of POW’s.

10)  The deal reinforced the President Obama’s firm position that he will not negotiate with Republicans on raising the debt ceiling.  Instead, Obama will give the Republicans whatever they ask for.

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , , | 10 Comments

10 Reasons Why The World Did Not End On December 21, 2012

Posted on December 28, 2012 by List of X

In case you have missed that, last Friday December 21st, there had been an end of the

A bunker in Albania

According to the US Department of Housing and Urban Development, there was a noticeable increase in new residential housing constructions in the last few months of 2012.  The department’s report failed to note that many of those new residential buildings looked like this.  (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

world according to the Mayan calendar. If you are reading this, then clearly you have missed that important event, and now you are probably wondering why the promised Apocalypse had not happened as predicted.  Here are 10 of the reasons why the world did not end.

1)  The Maya forgot to adjust their calendar for daylight savings time.

2)  The world wasn’t really supposed to end because it was just a made-up holiday like Valentine’s Day: it was fabricated by the underground bunker industry to sell more bunkers.

3)  Everyone paid attention to the ominous “This Is The End Of The Calendar” on the Mayan calendar, but few people noticed the next sentence “Call now to order your next calendar at Calendars.com!”.

4)  There will be other scheduled ends of the world: in 4.5 billion years when the Sun explodes, in 2028 when an asteroid hits the Earth, and in 2014 when Obamacare goes into effect.

5)  The Mayan dog ate the correct Mayan calendar.

6)  The end of the world had to be cancelled because the Republican party said that there is no way they will raise taxes on the millionaires to pay for THAT… or anything.

7)  Mayan calendar failed to work correctly because it was never updated for Y2K date bug.

8)  When Spanish conquistadors destroyed the Mayan civilization, the Mayan self-destruct countdown to the end of the world had immediately stopped. (Hey, this is how it always works in the movies!)

9)  The alien race that was supposed to destroy humankind last week, had bet a lot of money on 2013 Superbowl.

10)  Personally, I have planned a vacation for January, so I’ve asked the Maya to reschedule the end of the world.  In response, I got their auto-reply e-mail saying that the Maya civilization is currently out of the office and if I have any questions requiring immediate attention I should contact the Aztecs.  So I guess it really was cancelled.

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , | 15 Comments

10 Gun Control Proposals From The National Rifle Association

Posted on December 21, 2012 by List of X
National Rifle Association

NRA had put off all news conferences until December 21, 2012, apparently in hopes that the end of the world will save them from having to talk about gun control. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

In the aftermath of the Sandy Hook Elementary shooting, even NRA, the armed wing of the Republican Party, may finally concede that gun violence had became somewhat of a problem.  So here are 10 suggestions from the NRA on how to reduce the gun violence.

1)  “We agree that assault rifles have no place in the homes of private citizens.  Therefore, we propose to eliminate all assault rifles in the United States by re-branding them as ‘high-efficiency personal protection devices’.”

2)  “To prevent future tragedies in schools, we must arm the teachers.  Every parent should be perfectly content with leaving their child in care of an overworked, underpaid, over-stressed, and armed to the teeth adult.”

3)  “Next, arm the students.  If the teachers are armed, someone needs to keep these union thugs in check.”

4)  “Finally, put armed security guards in every classroom, because the security of students is absolutely vital.  However, since the funding for education is limited and we must contain costs, we propose to get rid of the teachers altogether.  We firmly believe that he only things that children need to learn to succeed in life are the Bible and the 2nd Amendment (except for the ‘well-regulated’ part of it).  Any left-over funding should be spent on surrounding the school with barbed wire fences and installing iron bars on the windows.”

5)  “In general, every responsible law-abiding citizen should be allowed to bear firearms anywhere they want.  Just imagine the safety that would ensue during a Black Friday storming of a Walmart by a mob where everyone is carrying a gun.”

6)  “As Governor Mike Huckabee had explained, the country can avoid tragedies like Sandy Hook by bringing God back into the classroom.  We completely agree with Governor.  Not only must we bring God back, but we should also arm him and train him to use a firearm.”

7)  “We support the public sentiment about conducting mandatory criminal checks on all prospective firearm buyers.  We believe that our highly-trained gun store owners are capable of conducting these checks and accurately determine whether a buyer is a criminal just by looking at him.”

8)  “Because no law-abiding citizen should ever be over-matched by criminals in the level of firepower they possess, it is important that the government stop infringing on our right to bear arms by not allowing responsible private citizens acquire and keep nuclear and chemical weapons.”

9)  “The public must not shift the blame onto the responsible gun owners and should not go on a witch hunt against them. However, should the public actually decide to go on a witch hunt, there are a few excellent hunting rifles our organization would be happy to recommend.”

10)  “Finally, the nation should establish a 48-hours waiting period and background checks for anyone wishing to advocate gun control in the aftermath of any mass shooting.”

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 19 Comments

10 Characteristics Of The Prehistoric Dinosaur Species Named Obamadon

Posted on December 14, 2012 by List of X
Obamadon's rare Facebook photo

Obamadon vacationing at a prehistoric golf course.

According to this week’s news, paleontologists at Yale University have discovered a new species of prehistoric lizard-like dinosaur that lived 65 million years ago, and named it “Obamadon Gracilis” after the president Barack Obama.  Here are 10 characteristics of this new dinosaur:

1)  Obamadon’s natural predators were Boehnerasaurus, Ericantorotops, and a turtle-like Mitchmacconnell.

2)  Obamadon’s life span was originally estimated to be 4 years, but was recently revised to 8 years.

3)  Similar to a modern chameleon, Obamadon is believed to be able to partially change its appearance to match the surrounding environment.

4)  Scientists believe that Obamadon descended from another species of lizards endemic to Kenya.  Actual origin is believed to be in US but some paleontologists remain unconvinced by evidence, and demand to see a fossilized birth certificate.

5)  When attacked by a predator, Obamadon’s preferred strategy was to compromise.

6)  Obamadon was very territorial. When competing against a male of a different species for the control of an area, Obamadon fought for domination by aggressively running against its competitor.

7)  For some unclear reason, Obamadon was commonly found near cliffs.

8)  It was not clear how the lizard itself had evolved, but the scientists have found the evidence of evolution of Obamadon’s views.

9)  Fossil analysis showed that Obamadon shares a lot of DNA with the modern Big Bird.

10) Republican paleontologists blame Obamadon for the extinction of dinosaurs.

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 6 Comments

10 Ways To Prepare For Survival After The End Of The World

Posted on December 10, 2012 by List of X
mayan-calendar_2

Mayan calendar: A detailed view of the calendar fragment on the right reveals a fiscal cliff (green arrow) and a Twinkie (blue arrow).

The end of the world is near!  Seriously, how could the world not be ending? Mayan calendar predicted end of the world on December 21, 2012, the economy is about to go over the fiscal cliff, Barack Obama was re-elected to destroy America and freedom, Greece is close to burying the European Union under its debt, and Twinkies are no more.  It’s clear that human civilization is doomed, but here are 10 ways you can prepare yourself and your family to survive after the civilization collapses.

1)  Buy and store plenty of food.  The stench of spoiled food will keep away any intruders.

2)  Make sure your food cache has plenty of non-perishable food as well.  That way, any intruders courageous enough to brave the stench will not leave unrewarded.

3)  Store plenty of duct tape and rope.  Those intruders will need something to tie you down with while they are stealing your food.

4)  Because food will be scarce, you must train yourself to eat everything.  Your ultimate goal is to be able to eat garbage.  A good place to begin your training is your nearest McDonald’s.

5)  Dig an underground shelter.  However, make sure to call the municipal utilities before you dig, so that you don’t accidentally cut the cable that supplies the electricity and Internet to the entire North America.  It is good to be prepared for the collapse of civilization, but you don’t want to be known as the one who caused it.

6)  Plug the bathtub and fill it with water.  Sure, you will not be able to take a shower until the eventual end of the world and soon will smell horribly, but then you will be the only clean one after the the end of the world.  Also, you will be able to recognize others who are following the same survival technique, and you will know where to find duct tape and food.

7)  Teach self-defense and archery to your children. There is a good training video out on DVD called Hunger Games.  Make sure you teach them well, but not too well, because one day they may turn against you.

8)  Learn how to beg.  Start practicing today.  Just 20 minutes a day three times a week will sharpen that absolutely necessary skill, so that when the end comes, you will be better positioned to compete beg for the scarce resources.

9)  Pay off all your debts, starting with ones with the highest balances.  After all, you don’t want your creditors to find themselves without your money in case of the economic collapse.

10)  Learn to survive in the wilderness – knowing which berries and mushrooms are edible and which are poisonous is very useful.  On the other hand, if you eat a poisonous mushroom by accident, you won’t have to worry about surviving after the end of the world.

Don’t hesitate to share your tips.  Of course, it is perfectly understandable if you don’t want to do that, because keeping your survival plans from others greatly improves your own survival chances.

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , | 19 Comments