10 Celebrities Who Will Be Affected By Cuts In Unemployment Benefits

Posted on December 31, 2013 by List of X
English: President George W. Bush delivers his...

The photo above shows 535 people, most of whom should really be unemployed instead. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Last week, Congress failed to extend the long-term unemployment benefits, and as a result, 1.3 million people have lost their unemployment benefits on December 28. By the end of 2014, this number is expected to grow to 5 million.  The major news networks haven’t been paying much attention to this story, possibly because they don’t think this law affect anyone worth mentioning.  However, the media should really start paying attention, because there are many famous people who had lost their jobs in the past year and will likely be unemployed for a very, very long time.  Here are 10 celebrities who lost their jobs in 2013 and may lose their unemployment benefits as well.

1)  Sarah Palin, fired from Fox News: considering that her only marketable job skill was being able to proclaim incoherent rambling nonsense at will, she made a job-killing mistake by providing exactly the same service on her Facebook and Twitter accounts for free.

2)  UPS executive in charge of holiday season shipping: fired when thousands of UPS customers did not get their guaranteed deliveries by Christmas.  UPS has already sent a pink slip to the executive, but there is no word on when it will ever arrive.

3)  Justin Bieber: Now that he announced his retirement from music, he’ll be just another unemployed teen with a lot of attitude and barely a school diploma. (Update: Justin is now saying that his announcement was a joke, which indicates that he’s not going make it as a comedian either.)

4)  Mitt Romney:  Failed to get a job at his last serious interview in November 2012: a black guy got the job instead, undoubtedly because of the affirmative action.  Romney tried to leverage his flip-flopping skills into flipping burgers, but he flipped them so fast that the meat patties barely touched the grill and never warmed up.

5)  Miley Cyrus’s plastic surgeon:  In early 2013 he attempted a tongue reconstruction surgery to keep Ms. Cyrus’ tongue from falling out of her mouth every five second. However, as Miley’s famous Video Music Awards performance made it painfully clear, the procedure was a dismal failure. Not only that, but the side effects from the sedative used during the surgery still cause Ms. Cyrus to break into uncontrollable twerking fits.

6)  The guy who hired Edward Snowden to work for the NSA:  At least he was able to keep his own name secret – but that’s pretty much the only piece of information with which he entrusted Snowden, that still hasn’t been leaked out yet.

7)  Phil Robertson’s PR agent: fired for constantly reminding the Duck Dynasty star to keep his gay-bashing and racist opinions to himself, when doing just the opposite turned out to be the best thing ever for the show’s merchandise.  (Mr. Robertson was also disappointed to learn that “PR” on his agent’s business card stands for “Public Relations”, not “Phil Robertson”.)

8)  Chief technology executive behind the Obamacare website:  The good news is that he no longer needs to have a job to obtain affordable health insurance. The bad news is that he is still trying to log into the website where he is supposed to file for unemployment.

9)  Anthony Weiner: After his failure as a politician, he tried out for career as a porn star, but was fired when it turned out he couldn’t fulfill any of the promises he made during his sexting campaign.

10)  Pope Benedict: It’s never a good idea to tell your employer to take this job and shove it, but it’s hundred times worse if your employer is God himself.

Have a Happy New Year!

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 57 Comments

10 Features Of Facebook-Owned Apartments

Posted on December 12, 2013 by List of X
Facebook logo Español: Logotipo de Facebook Fr...

Do not be surprised if random people will keep writing on your walls. It’s a feature, not a bug.  Oh yeah, there will be plenty of bugs, too. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Facebook, Inc., the social company company that that brought us the famous social network, has decided to take care of their employees, and is building a Facebook-owned apartment building to house its employees.  The housing will have 394 units, which is, incidentally, about the same as the average number of Facebook friends.  If these Facebook apartments will be anything like our Facebook accounts, here are 10 things future tenants should expect from these apartments.

1)  You’ll need log in and password to get into this apartment.  If you forget your password, you’ll have to move out.

2)  The peephole on the door will be installed in the opposite direction to give a better view of what’s going on inside your apartment.

3)  Your children’s playroom will be programmed to fulfill 40% of your parental duties by taking photos of your playing child every 15 seconds and post it to Facebook with randomly generated captions like: “Awwww…”, “My baby is so cute!”, “Look at him/her!”, “Adorable!”.

4)  If you leave for vacation, but haven’t posted your vacation pictures in a while, the house will automatically post the status “On vacation!  House empty. Pics coming soon.”

5)  Standard landlord’s response to your question when the plumbing is going to get fixed will be “It’s complicated”.

6)  Once every few months, the management will upgrade the apartment, which could mean that one of your favorite rooms will disappear, or shower may be merged with your closet. This will be done to “enhance your renting experience”, and every time it will be a surprise.

7)  The bedroom will automatically change your relationship status to match what’s you are doing inside it and with whom.  It will change to “It’s complicated” when the landlord has to go inside for an inspection.

8)  By default, all the outside walls will be made of glass.  You’ll need to spend hours figuring out the privacy settings just to install blinds on your window.

9)  Your kitchen will be stocked with Spam, and will post the photos of your food in every step of food preparation and consumption: in the refrigerator, on the stove, on the plate, and in the bathroom.

10)  Your teenage children will not be happy that they share the same apartment with their uncool parents, and will keep trying to run away from home into hipper and trendier Tumblr and SnapChat apartments.

Automatically generated personal note: “On vacation. House empty. Responses to comments coming soon.”

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 74 Comments

10 Reasons Why Republican Leaders Don’t Like Pope Francis

Posted on December 5, 2013 by List of X
Pope Francis Portrait Painting

Saying “Greed is bad”?  Telling Christians what to do?  Oh, the chutzpah of this guy!  Who does this guy think he is, the Pope? (Photo credit: faithmouse)

Since his election in early 2013, Pope Francis has made quite a few controversial statements. For example, in his recent writings, Francis criticized the excesses of free market, the “idolatry of money”, and called for measures alleviating poverty and wealth inequality – all of which happens to be anathema to modern conservative gospel.  And finally, some prominent conservative pundits, like Rush Limbaugh and Sarah Palin, (who apparently believe they have a guaranteed admission to Heaven), have found the courage to disagree with the Holy See’s heresy.  Here are 10 Republican complaints about Pope Francis.

1)  “Pope criticized the free market, and as we all know, Jesus was an early advocate of the free market.  Don’t you remember the biblical story about Jesus driving money-changers out of the temple, so that their enterprise won’t be restricted by the temple’s walls?”

2)  “Did you know that the Pope washed the feet of criminals?  Can you believe it? What exactly is his idea of being tough on crime – not using soap???”

3)  “Pope Francis is an illegal Latin-American immigrant, and probably stole his job from some hard-working American cardinal.”

4)  “Pope Francis shouldn’t have said that trickle-down economics isn’t working when it clearly does.  Just ask any billionaire!”

5)  “Pope Francis has led the Catholic Church for several months already, and still hasn’t criticized Obama for the really important stuff, like Benghazi!”

6)  “Pope Francis shows that the voter suppression laws just aren’t strong enough: see, even an electorate made up of older white males could elect a candidate who’ll turn out to be a socialist!”

7)  “Francis once said that atheists could go to Heaven.  Yes, eventually, Vatican retracted this glaring blunder – but for the couple of days until the error was corrected, a bunch of crafty atheists took this opportunity to die and get into Heaven, and right now they are probably suing St. Peter for displaying 10 Commandments on the Pearly Gates!”

8)  “Where is Pope Francis’ birth certificate? Why hasn’t it been released?  Because we have a reason to suspect that Pope Francis isn’t even his real name!”

9)  “How dare he imply that we don’t care about the poor?  Of course we care about the poor!  Would we want to cut their food stamps if we didn’t?”

10)  “Pope Francis claims he talks to God, while everyone knows that God only talks to Republican political candidates to tell them to run for whatever office they aspire to hold.”*

* However, it’s suspected that God tells Republican candidates like Michele Bachmann, Rick Perry, and Rick Santorum to run for president, because he wants Democrats to win.

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 78 Comments

10 Provisions In The Nuclear Deal With Iran

Posted on November 25, 2013 by List of X
Congressional portrait with U.S. flag in the b...

Top American negotiator Secretary of State John F. Kerry was steadfast in his position that his enormous chin is maintained for entirely peaceful purposes. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

During this week’s multilateral diplomatic talks between United States, Iran, France, Germany, United Kingdom, China, and Russia, the countries have reached an agreement partially suspending Iran’s nuclear weapons program in exchange for easing the sanctions against Iran. Here are 10 of the provisions in the deal.

1)  United States has agreed to provide $7 billion in economic sanctions relief to Iran in unmarked, non-sequential bills.

2)  Iran agreed to suspend its uranium enriched program and get rid of the enriched uranium they have accumulated so far.  (North Korea has already volunteered to help Iran meet this requirement.)

3)  United States agreed to enter good faith negotiations with E! TV channel on suspending Keeping Up With The Kardashians program, and stopping the enrichment of that annoying family.

4)  Iran has agreed to allow international monitors to visit all its nuclear facilities, in exchange for NSA’s promise to stop tracking the porn sites that Iranian leaders visit.

5)  United States agreed to exempt Iran from the Obamacare requirements.

6)  Iran agreed to to stop calling for destruction of Israel and finally recognize the Holocaust as a real historical event.  However, in a sensible compromise, Iranians will only have to acknowledge 6,000 Jewish deaths happening during the Holocaust.

7)  United States agreed to dismiss the patent infringement lawsuit by Apple Corporation, alleging that Iran violated Apple’s patent on all names starting with the letter “i”.

8)  Iran agreed to stop referring to the United States as “Great American Satan that Must Be Destroyed” and start referring to the US as “Best Friend Forever (Who Still Must Be Destroyed)”.

9)  China has agreed to call off its territorial claims on Iranian lands, at least until they firmly establish their control over such traditionally Chinese territories as Taiwan, Japan, and the Philippines.

10)  Russia agreed that next time they are invited to participate in multilateral talks, they will postpone having their celebratory drinks until after the agreement is signed, and will not demand that the terms of the agreement are determined by whoever wins the karaoke contest.

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 41 Comments

10 Reactions To The “Insurance-Cancellation-Gate”

Posted on November 21, 2013 by List of X
guantanamo_1765914c

As you may remember, Barack Obama also broke his promise to close the prison at the Guantanamo base. We should probably expect Republican outrage about Obama breaking this promise any day now. (Photo: telegraph.co.uk)

In the last few weeks the American media has been filled with stories of a terrible disaster. If you think I’m referring to the aftermath of typhoon Haiyan in the Philippines, you haven’t been following American media.  No, the real terrible disaster, according to the media, is once again Obamacare, or, more specifically, the notices of policy cancellations that the insurance companies have sent to thousands of their policyholders.  The insurance companies are blaming Affordable Care Act for these cancellations, because they can no longer offer policies that do not meet minimum standards of the ACA.  The fact that ACA insurance exchanges now allow these people to buy new policies which are often cheaper AND better means nothing, because Barack Obama once carelessly promised that “if you like your insurance, you can keep it”, and this sacred covenant has been broken.  Here are 10 reactions to the insurance cancellations debacle.

1)  Mitch McConnell, Republican leader:  “The president said that if we like our policy, we could keep it. And, we really, really like our policy of obstructing and undermining the president.”

2)  Deborah Cavallaro, Obamacare victim:  “This is an outrage!  My health insurance company just cancelled my $100 a month policy!  And I was very happy with that policy -because I never got sick while I had it!”

3)  Fox News:  “Obama LIED to the American people!!! How DARE he?!?! That’s OUR job!!!”

4)  Humana Health Insurance company:  “We just wanted to make one thing clear: when the President made that remark about keeping the policy, he was talking to us, not to you. If WE like your policy, WE will keep it.         (Disclaimer: We reserve the right to cancel your policy as soon as you, or any physician, or a hospital has requested reimbursement for any medical service performed for you, and the price of treatment exceeds the cost of 1 (one) Tylenol pill at the wholesale price. The policy cancellation, a.k.a., rescission, will be effective one day before you have received said medical service. All types of medical services are covered by this disclaimer. Your monthly premiums will not be refunded, and will be used to gold-plate the toilet in the bathroom of our chief executive officer. If you are unhappy with your service, you may voice your complaints to our automatic phone answering service until your condition improves, and which point we will be happy to reinstate your policy and accept additional premiums, subject to the part I of this disclaimer.)”

5)  Todd Sickman, still insured:  “Obama also said that I could keep my doctor if I like him. Well, I like my doctor, and today I got a letter from him saying that he’s retiring and won’t see patients any more. Shame on you, Obama, for breaking your promise!!!”

6)  Darrell Issa, top Republican Congressional investigator: “I demand the following answers from the Obama administration: who in the administration knew of the upcoming cancellations, when did they know, and why didn’t they bomb the insurance companies as soon as they had this information?”

7)  Barack Obama:  “I give you a solemn promise that I will not make any more promises I cannot keep.  And I also promise you that Healthcare.gov website will be fully fixed by November 30, when not only it will give you affordable health insurance, but will also make rainbows and unicorns.”

8)  Alford Tenninson, uninsured since 1982:  “I’ve always said that it’s better to have had insurance and lost, than never to have had at all…”

9)  CNN:  “It’s unacceptable for the president to mislead the people. We, American journalists, have always prided ourselves for holding Presidents to the highest integrity standards, as it’s been our tradition dating all the way back to 2009.”

10)  NRA (National Re-insurers Association):  “If substandard health insurance policies are outlawed, only outlaws will have substandard health insurance policies!  Only a good guy with health insurance can stop the bad guy with health insurance!  What? The other NRA has been making same exact arguments for years!”

Personal note: I apologize for the “Insurance-Cancellation-Gate”: this was a really lousy name for a scandal – but then this whole mess is a lousy excuse for a scandal anyway.

Personal note #2: Let’s not forget the actual disaster that happened in the Philippines, so please donate to the typhoon Haiyan victims if you can.

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 34 Comments

10 Types Of Government Explained In Stick Figures

Posted on November 14, 2013 by List of X

And now for something completely different…

Many of those who read this blog have children, and eventually it becomes necessary to explain to them the difference between the various political and economic systems which are established in different parts of the world.  Yes, someday your little girl will have to learn that there are political leadership positions other than the Princess, and it’s better if she learns that from you than from her friends.  But talking about politics and socioeconomics doesn’t have to be a difficult conversation, and, to make it even easier, here is a manual to explain 10 different types of government in the simple stick-figure pictures.

Let’s imagine some ideal country, and picture it as a stick figure, where the left leg is the government, the right leg is private enterprise, so that they balance each other and carry the rest of the country…

01NORMAL

And here’s how the actual political and socioeconomic systems work:

02Republican

03democrat04Socialism05communism

06ANARCHY

09PLUTOCRACY

07THEOCRACY

08RADICAL_THEOCRACY

10military_dictatorship

11libertarianism

Posted in Humor, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 69 Comments

10 Reasons Why Congress Reduced The Number Of Their Work Days

Posted on November 3, 2013 by List of X
Capitol

US Capitol.  The building is available for sublet for 8 months next year. (Photo credit: rpongsaj)

The Republican leadership of the House of Representatives has released the work schedule for the House in 2014, which reduced the number of days the Congress will be in session to 113, compared to 126 days in 2013.  The change in schedule means that for at least 252 days in 2014, there would be no legislative gridlock in Washington. Here are 10 reasons why House leaders shortened their work schedule.

1)  Congressmen understand the plight of millions of American part-time workers, and wanted to show their support by cutting their own hours.

2)  The change in schedule will give Republican Representatives more time to complain that Barack Obama is spending way too much time on vacation.

3)  Members of Congress noticed that the more they work, the lower their approval rating gets, and decided that there was only one way to reverse the trend.

4)  239 days was barely enough time for the Representatives to spend their $174,000 annual salary.

5)  By working 226 days during 2014, House can do two years worth of work, and wouldn’t need to come to work until January 2016 at all.

6)  By not telling their spouses about the reduction in scheduled workdays from 126 to 113, Congressmen get 13 unaccounted days which they need to use for their extramarital affairs.

7)  Representatives need a lot of time to run the campaign for the 2014 election, so that once they get re-elected they can immediately begin campaigning for 2016 election.

8)  By cutting work hours for all Representatives to less than 30 hours per week, Republican leaders are trying to circumvent the Obamacare requirement that all full-time employees must have health insurance.

9)  Meetings with constituents now takes longer than before, because the legislator’s staff has to first vet the constituents to ensure only those who agree with the Representative will be allowed to attend.

10)  The Republican leadership can safely reduce the number of workdays, because most Republican member of Congress can complete all of their work in just 10 minutes in just three easy steps: a) writing a note “I vote against whatever Obama is for”, b) signing it, and c) handing the note to the House Speaker John Boehner.

A personal note: I received a notification informing me that two days ago was the 3rd anniversary of me getting sucked into a giant black hole named WordPress.  Are there any parents reading this?  Is it normal for a 3-year old to still be unable to count beyond 10?

Posted in List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 74 Comments

10 Real Reasons Why The ObamaCare Website Doesn’t Work

Posted on October 23, 2013 by List of X
It took approximately 7 hours to download this picture off the website.

It took approximately 7 hours to download this picture off the website.

On October 1st, the federal government has finally opened an insurance exchange website HealthCare.gov, where people who did not have health insurance could finally buy affordable health insurance. However, the website roll out has been plagued with technical glitches and problems, and many people who tried to use the website have complained that it takes forever to load and keeps losing the connection.  Unlike the developers of the HealthCare.gov, I was able to fix the glitches in my previous post, so here are finally 10 reasons why the HealthCare.gov doesn’t work properly:

1)  Considering that Republicans have voted over 40 times to repeal Obamacare, the website developers were waiting to see if the law actually gets repealed, and therefore did not start coding until the last possible minute.

2)  Department of Health and Human Services insisted that the website is written in plain English so that ordinary people could understand it, and not in some fancy HTML or Java.

3)  As the developers worked on listing all the possible covered pre-existing conditions, they kept getting sidetracked into checking their own symptoms on WebMD.

4)  It’s important to set the expectations bar for Obamacare really low, so that Americans could be pleasantly surprised by it.

5)  The faulty website code is a pre-existing condition for the website, which should get addressed by ObamaCare, once the developers can get website to work, which will happen once they can address the faulty code… (Apparently, it is possible to code Catch-22 in HTML.)

6)  As a part of 2012 ObamaCare decision, Supreme Court struck down a key part of the website code as unconstitutional.

7)  The website developers already have health insurance, so they did not see any reason for the urgency of this project.

8)  The HealthCare.gov website can’t possibly load quickly because it takes a long time to upload all the tracking software from NSA, CIA, FBI, DIA, DHS and others onto your computer.

9)  Long wait times on the website ensure that only people who really need health insurance would be able to get the attention, rather than some right-wing talk show hosts who troll the phone helpline just for fun.

10)  All the website bugs and glitches were intentional and are a part of a deviously sneaky ploy by Obama Administration to sign up more people: just think, how else could Obama get Fox News to keep talking incessantly about the website where people could sign up for ObamaCare, if the website weren’t “malfunctioning”?

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 44 Comments

10 Reasons Why The ObamaCare Website Doesn’t Work

Posted on October 23, 2013 by List of X
Please wait, the rest of the word "Obamacare" hasn't loaded yet.

Please wait, the rest of the word “Obamacare” is still loading.

On October 1st, the federal government has finally opened an insurance exchange website HealthCare.gov, where people who did not have health insurance could finally buy affordable health insurance.  However, the website rollout has been plagued with technical glitches, and many people who tried to use the HealthCare.gov website have complained that the website takes forever to load and keeps losing the connection.  Here are 10 reasons why the HealthCare.gov doesn’t work:

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Posted in Humor, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 40 Comments

10 Reactions To The Government Shutdown

Posted on October 10, 2013 by List of X
Due to the shutdown, a clever caption service was deemed non-essential and will not be provided.

Due to the government shutdown, a clever caption was deemed a non-essential service and will not be provided.

The United States government has been partially shut down last Monday, when the Republican-controlled House refused to fund the government over their objections to the Affordable Care Act, a.k.a. Obamacare.  Hundreds of thousands of federal workers have been sent out on unpaid furlough, national parks were closed, and Panda Cam has gone offline.  Oh, and by October 17 the Congress will have to raise the debt ceiling to allow administration to borrow more to cover the deficits incurred by the Congress. However, Republicans are expected to demand more concessions, so that Congress can finally hold Barack Obama accountable for their actions.  Not surprisingly, everyone has an opinion on whose fault this mess is, so here are 10 of the reactions to the shutdown and debt ceiling debacle.

1) Mitch McConnell, Republican Senate leader:  “We are ready to negotiate, but Barack Obama won’t negotiate with us!  And everyone knows that all negotiations require two parties – one party that supposed to make the demands, and another party that supposed to give in to all those demands!

2) Department of Defense: “We have decided to recall some furloughed federal workers back to work. We’ve used our surveillance equipment to track them, and it’s not like they have any better stuff to do.”

3) Louis Gohmert, Republican Congressman:  The impact of this whole shutdown thing has been hugely overblown.  There is no impact, whatsoever.  I’ve asked a few of my colleagues in Congress, and all of us are still getting a paycheck like we used to.

4) House Speaker John Boehner:  I wish we could end the shutdown, but we just don’t have the votes. Both of the Koch brothers are against ending the shutdown, so it’s not even close.

5) Al Qaeda:  Having analyzed the potential impact of the shutdown and debt default on the Great American Satan, we have retrofitted our terrorist training camps to start training Republicans instead.

6) Rand Paul, Republican Senator: A huge problem for the market is uncertainty: Wall Street investors don’t know whether the country will default, whether the government will continue to function, or when we go into a new recession.  So by defaulting on the debt, shutting down the government, and hopefully crashing the economy all at once, we can finally bring a measure of certainty and stability that the private businesses so desperately need.

7) Harry Reid, Senate Majority Leader:  The good news is that Congress has passed the law that provides for back pay to all furloughed federal workers, so although they do zero productive work, they will still be paid for it.  I think it was really unfair that only members of Congress got that sweet deal, but not anyone else.

8) Ted Cruz, Republican Senator/Dr. Seuss fan: We think it’s not fair that many newer Republican members of Congress never had a chance to participate in the Obamacare debate, and should be given the opportunity to debate and vote on it.  Also, it’s really unfair that most of our members never had the chance to vote on the Civil Rights Act, the 1890 Antitrust law, and Emancipation Proclamation, and so want that too a as condition for raising the debt ceiling.

9) Barack Obama:  On days like this, I wish I was really born in Kenya, so that I would have been ineligible to put up with this crap.

10) American Public:  We’re really angry with Republicans, Democrats, Congress and Obama about this shutdown thing!  Football’s on, so pick another time for this, morons!

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 58 Comments