10 Questions For Susan Rice The Answers For Which Have Troubled John McCain

Posted on November 30, 2012 by List of X
Susan Rice, US Ambassador to the UN.

Susan Rice, the woman who troubled John McCain (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Earlier this week, Senator John McCain had met privately with the Ambassador to the United Nations Susan Rice. The closed-door meeting was supposed to shed more light on the actions of the Obama administration after the consulate attack in Benghazi, and possibly discuss Susan Rice’s likely candidacy for the Secretary of State position. However, John McCain had emerged from the meeting and told the media that he was troubled by many of the answers he had received from Susan Rice. Here are 10 of John McCain’s question to Susan Rice, answers to which McCain found troubling.

1)  “Ambassador Rice, can you tell me the present continuous form for the verb ‘to trouble’?”

2)  “Ambassador, are you absolutely sure it wasn’t President Obama who led the attack on the consulate in Benghazi?”

3)  “Ambassador, may I remind you that you are speaking under oath… What do you mean, you’re not? Are you saying we forgot to ask you to take an oath?”

4)  “Ambassador, before you is the text of the oath you have to take… What do you mean by saying that Grover Norquist’s oath to never ever raise taxes isn’t a real oath?”

5)  “Are you implying that you don’t plunge straight into the deepest fire pits of hell, if you even dream of breaking the Norquist’s pledge, because that’s NOT what I’ve been told?”

6)  “Ambassador, why have you taken up so much of my valuable time by calling this pointless meeting? I called it!? Are you insinuating that I am old and prone to forgetting things, Ambassador… sorry, what’s you name again?”

7)  “Of course I remember that!!! Now let’s do this damn oath already!! Well, we don’t have a Bible handy… Therefore, to take the oath, please place your right hand on this… yes, it’s a photograph of Ronald Reagan and it’s just as holy!… OK  Now that you have finally taken the oath, let me ask you whether President Obama produced that hateful anti-Islam video for free, or has he been paid for it and how much?”

8)  “Let me try a different question. You see President Obama a lot. Hypothetically speaking, if someone gave you a completely harmless pill, would you be willing to slip it into the Presidents coffee?”

9)  “Ambassador, I wish I could support you for the position of Secretary of State, but I couldn’t help but notice that you are a black Democrat woman. Would you be willing to switch your party affiliation to a white Republican man?”

10)  “Finally, if you have no other plans for tonight, Ambassador Rice, what would you say if we sneak out of here for a nice dinner in a fancy restaurant, where I shall continue your interrogation?”

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 5 Comments

10 Reasons Why Barack Obama And Mitt Romney Are Having Lunch Together

Posted on November 29, 2012 by List of X

Apparently, Barack Obama had just invited his just-defeated opponent Mitt Romney for a private lunch at the White House today.  Aside of being an obvious PR stunt, both Obama and Romney have good reasons to meet after a contentious election.  So what’s in it for them?  Here are 10 reasons why Obama and Romney are meeting for lunch:

1)  For Romney: Hey, a free lunch!

2)  For Obama: It’s a chance to finally confirm or deny the persistent rumor that Romney is really a robot, since robots do not eat.

3)  For Romney: He still has plenty of Obama zingers that he hadn’t have a chance to use.

4)  For Obama: A few people of the kitchen stuff need to be fired, and Obama is bringing a professional to do it.

5)  For Romney: He will get to see for himself if Obama’s administration of lunch will be a failure.

6)  For Obama: One more chance to rub his victory in Romney’s face by having Romney over at the White House as a guest.

7)  For Romney: An opportunity for once to flip-flop and not be skewered for it, because changing one’s position on what to have for dessert is still acceptable in politics.

8)  For Obama: A rare chance to eat with someone who is not very inclined to talk to him.

9)  For Romney: A chance to observe how an average middle-class African-American family lives.

10)  For Obama: A couple of czar’s positions are still open, and who could be a better candidate for czar’s job than someone who’s already living as one?

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , , | 6 Comments

10 Elements Of Karl Rove’s Secret Plan To Win The 2016 Election

Posted on November 29, 2012 by List of X
English: Karl Rove Assistant to the President,...

Karl Rove: a spin artist, formerly known as Turd Blossom (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The good news: 2012 election is over.  Bad news: the 2016 election season has already started.  After losing the election and failing to reach its number one goal of making Obama a one-term president, the Republican party has began developing the plan to win the 2016 election and make Obama a two-term president.  And no one is more qualified to learn from the 2012 mistakes and pave the path to 2016 GOP victory than the number one Republican strategist Karl Rove.  So here are 10 steps in Karl Rove’s plan for the Republican party to win the 2016 election.

1)  Capture the Hispanic vote. To be more specific, round them up and deport them back where they came from.

2)  Listen to women’s concerns.  Since the women are now the majority of the voters, GOP needs to start listening to women. And not just listening, but occasionally interject with “Uh-huh”, “Right”, “That’s great”, and “Of course I am listening to you!”.  Better yet, implement the ultimate solution for the women problem: have men tell their wives how to vote. Hire consultants from Saudi Arabia, these people are years ahead of us on the issue.

3)  Split the Democrats.  Since 47% who live on welfare, food stamps, unemployment and on other government hand-outs such as Social Security consistently vote for Democrats, we have to cut these freeloaders off the entitlements. Once these people are not beholden to Democrats for their livelihood and have to survive on their own, it’s absolutely certain they will vote for Republicans.

4)  Keep pressing Obama administration on Benghazi.  The scandal is not getting much traction outside of Fox, but this might be as close to an actual scandal we’re ever going to get. Next line of attack to pursue: why hasn’t Obama’s dog Bo said anything about Benghazi after the attack, and why isn’t he testifying now?

5)  Redefine the abortion rhetoric.  GOP can make party more appealing to voters by appropriating the pro-choice label while retaining the pro-life label: after all, once a baby is born, parents will have plenty of choices how they could get rid of it: whether it will be lack of insurance, pollution, or a Stand Your Ground law.

6)  Reach out to single women. Transvaginal ultrasounds were a great first step, but the party needs to study the anatomy textbooks to find more places where we can reach women at.

7)  Unite the country against a common enemy.  A perfect target for the nation’s anger are the homeless: they live off hand-outs, pay no taxes, do not create jobs, depress housing markets, and most importantly, they can’t afford to hire lobbyists.

8)  Voter suppression. Voter ID is a start. Next, have the TSA set up X-ray scanners at polling stations in Democratic districts. After all, there had been only a dozen more documented voter fraud incidents than there had been terrorist hijackings of polling stations. Also, if you have to get X-rayed just to get on an airplane, shouldn’t you be X-rayed in order to get into a polling station?

9)  Expand Fundraising Efforts.  Contact that son of Nigerian king who just emailed my office asking for help in transferring the money to the US, and ask if he would be interested in investing money to our superPACs.

10)  Improve online outreach.  Everything is on the Internet these days, so voting machines need to be online as well.  Because these machines are a crucial part of our democracy, just like the older white males, the party will need to find a way to reach these machines online.  That will help the party fix any fraudulent (also known as “Democratic”) votes as they come in.

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 6 Comments

10 Lessons From The General Petraeus Sex Scandal

Posted on November 16, 2012 by List of X

“All In”?  Yeah, right.  It’s more like “All Out Now”… Maybe a more appropriate title should have been Fifty Shades of Camouflage.

The recently uncovered extra-marital affair between the CIA Director General David Petraeus and his biographer Paula Broadwell has already led to General’s resignation, and to the increase in sales of General’s biography, named “All In: The Education of General David Petraeus”.  The scandal continues to unfold, ensnaring the NATO commander in Afghanistan General John Allen, a socialite in Tampa, and a mysterious “Shirtless FBI Agent”.  Here are 10 things we have learned from the scandal already.

1)  The affair has made clear that the education of General David Petraeus mentioned in the book title had incorporated a sex-ed course.

2)  The rivalry between the various American security agencies has been exposed once again: after Secret Service got caught in the Colombian prostitute scandal, the CIA and the Army had to respond with a  sex scandal of their own.

3)  In the aftermath of the scandal, military officers will be less inclined to discuss their privates.

4)  The following pick up line is expected to become popular: “Hey babe, do you wanna be my biographer?  ‘Cause I got a top secret undercover mission for you.”

5)  Even though David Petraeus has done some stupid things that have allowed FBI to crack open the case, General had still shown himself to be at least marginally qualified to run a covert agency, because he had at least managed not to tweet out a picture of himself in his underwear.

6)  Starting immediately, when hiring a biographer for any future CIA director, CIA’s Human Resources will begin to read the candidate’s resume to make sure he or she is not a current employee of Wikileaks.

7)  Oh, and while they are at it…  CIA will most likely stop hiring any biographers for the CIA directors, and will instead videotape all future CIA chiefs for The Real Undercover Boss reality show.

8)  Bedroom role-players will no longer stop at pretending to be a CIA agent, and will go all the way to pretending to be a CIA director.

9)  General Petraeus will be asked to testify under oath before Congress on the important matters of national security concerning his affair with Paula Broadwell, such as how good Mrs. Broadwell was in bed, what’s her phone number, and how likely Mrs. Broadwell’s husband is to punch someone in the face if that someone were to hook up with her.

10)  Maybe, just maybe, people will finally learn how to spell “Petraeus”.

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , , | 13 Comments

10 Reactions To The Results of 2012 Election

Posted on November 8, 2012 by List of X
Donald Trump

According to some very reliable sources, Donald Trump had said something like “Blah-blah-blah-blah-Obama-blah-blah.  Oh, and BLAH-BLAH-BLAH-DISASTER!!!” (I have rephrased his statement for clarity).  He must have said something important, like demanding Obama’s kindergarten and daycare records. (Photo credit: Gage Skidmore)

In case you have missed it, a national election took place this Tuesday.  It actually wouldn’t be that surprising if you have missed it, because after the all the ballots had been counted, after $6 billion was spent, and after the dust had settled, Barack Obama is still president, Republicans still have majority in the House of Representatives, Democrats still have majority in the Senate with Republicans still fully in control there.  However, if you haven’t managed to miss it, you are now probably feeling relief that this election is finally over.  But, of course, not everybody reacted with relief, so here are 10 other reactions to the election results:

1)  Rush Limbaugh  conservative talk show host:  This election is invalid!  We have received multiple reports of widespread voter fraud, vote tampering and election rigging!  And I know that these reports are 100% accurate because our people were the ones doing it!

2)  Fox News:  Well, it’s absolutely clear that hurricane Sandy was the decisive factor which turned the election in favor of Obama.  And an interesting fact is that Sandy made landfall from the southeast, from across the Atlantic, and our channel’s meteorologists are very confident that Sandy had originated in Kenya!  Coincidence?  Conspiracy?  We will let our viewers decide.

3)  David Axelrod, Democratic strategist:  Well, of course, hurricane Sandy did not help Obama.  I mean, if a hurricane had helped Obama, that would means that God wanted Obama to win, right?

4)  Mitt Romney, retiree from Massachusetts:  I would like to congratulate the president on his historic victory.  And by the way, I’ll take a lot of credit for that.

5)  American Crossroads, SuperPAC:  Even though the elections are over, we still have so much cash left over in our coffers, that we will continue running anti-Obama ads at least though March 2015.

6)  CNN, NBC, ABC:  Well, this was a fun election… ratings were up, ads were WAY up… Is there any way to convince these guys to have an election every year?

7)  Karl Rove, Republican Strategist:  Nooooooooo!!! Obama tricksed usss!  He has stolen Ohio, my preciossss!  We needsed it!

8)  Paul Ryan, former Vice-Presidential nominee / Congressman:  Boy, am I glad I didn’t quit my day job!

9)  John Boehner, Speaker of the House:  By keeping the Republican majority in the House, the Americans have sent Washington a clear message that they want the legislative gridlock to continue.

10)  Reince Preibus, Republican Party Chairman:  The results of the election have shown that the only group on whose vote our party can consistently count, are the white males, and the only way we can increase our vote count is by increasing the number of white males. Therefore, starting today, the Republican Party will aggressively push for larger availability of sex change operations, and promote it to women as the only acceptable type of contraception.

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 10 Comments

10 Ways How Mitt Romney’s Experience Had Prepared Him To Be President

Posted on November 6, 2012 by List of X
Romney

Mitt Romney promising you that he will create 12 million new jobs. Yes people, Mormon church does need that many missionaries. (Photo credit: Talk Radio News Service)

The 2012 presidential campaign is finally drawing to a close, and today is the last chance for Mitt Romney to make the case that he is qualified to be president.  Unfortunately, Mitt Romney’s campaign had mostly been bogged down by the discussion of trivialities, such dog’s ride on a car roof, binders full of women, and war on Big Bird, and had not been able to fully highlight the big strategic differences between the candidates.  (Of course, it would have helped a lot if Mitt Romney had actually proposed any detailed strategies).  However, even those seemingly inconsequential stories about Mitt Romney provide valuable insight into Mitt Romney’s character and his qualifications for the presidency.  Here are just 10 of the ways how Mitt Romney experiences have prepared him to lead the country.

1)  Draft-Dodging: This experience had made Mitt Romney a better diplomat, because it had prepared Mitt Romney to actively seek out alternative options to the military involvement.

2)  Building a car elevator in one of his mansions:  This action has demonstrated Mitt Romney’s commitment to improving the environment by taking the gas guzzling cars off the roads.

3)  Paying taxes at the effective rate of 13.9%:  This experience had helped the Romney family to identify with the poor families by paying a taxes at the rates similar to what the families near the poverty level pay.

4)  Running Bain Capital for at least three years after he had officially quit:  This experience proves that Mitt Romney is not quitter.

5)  Not releasing his tax records: The position of Mitt Romney’s campaign on not releasing tax records is a testament to the Governor’s commitment to protection of classified information and his firm determination to prevent data leaks.

6)  Outsourcing American jobs to China:  This experience had helped Mitt Romney relate to the average middle class Americans by firing a lot of them.  Also, it had uniquely qualified Romney to get concessions from China, because China now owes an immense debt of gratitude to Mr. Romney for his efforts in employing millions of Chinese workers. 

7)  Mitt Romney’s comments about the 47%:  This video had showcased Mitt Romney’s honesty and candor, which are rare qualities for any politician.

8)  Driving his dog on the roof of his car:  This incident is a clear evidence of Mitt Romney’s ability to think outside of the box.

9)  Vulture capitalist experience.  Because Mitt Romney’s Bain Capital bought successful businesses and successfully turned them around, Mitt Romney will be able to reverse Barack Obama’s failed socialist policies, and will turn them into successful socialist policies.    

10)  Flip-flopping on many important issues:  Not only this behavior is a sign of Mitt Romney’s open-mindedness, but it would also make him a formidable Commander-in-Chief, because no country would want to mess with the USA knowing how easily President Romney could change his mind on whether to nuke them or not.

11) Running The State of Massachusetts: Because Mitt Romney had chosen not to focus our attention on that unfortunate part of his resume, it would not be fair to hold it against him.

On a personal note: I’m getting really sick of writing post after post about Governor Romney.  Nearly a third of my recent posts have been about him.  So if you are just as sick of reading them, might I suggest that you take ten minutes to nine hours (but hopefully closer to 5 minutes) today to vote for someone else? Thanks.

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , , | 9 Comments

10 Ways How Mitt Romney Is Helping Hurricane Sandy’s Victims

Posted on November 2, 2012 by List of X
Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan in Ashland today

Mitt Romney is shown here saving a baby from Paul Ryan (Photo credit: tvnewsbadge)

Early this week, hurricane Sandy brought havoc and devastation to several Northeastern states.  As President, Barack Obama quickly sprang into action along with FEMA coordinating the relief effort.  And although as a candidate Mitt Romney does not have the same resources as his opponent, it does not mean he is staying on the sidelines.  Here are 10 ways how Mitt Romney has helped those affected by the hurricane.

1)  Called for emergency 50% tax cut for the rich.

2)  Mailed out letters to all registered Democrats in Virginia, Pennsylvania and New Hampshire informing them that if they are too busy with hurricane cleanup work, they could go to the polls on November 8 instead of November 6.

3)  Donated 12,000 campaign ads to Red Cross.

4)  Found several lost pets, tied them to the roof of his campaign bus and personally transported them to the nearest shelter.

5)  For sports fans who had lost electricity and Internet due to the storm and are unable to get the latest sport scores, set up a phone hotline so that they could check the latest results of the horse dressage competitions.

6)  Convinced Donald Trump to continue blowing hot air to help dry off the flooded streets of New York.

7)  Refrained from holding any campaign rallies in New York, New Jersey and Massachusetts in order not to interfere with the cleanup work, and scheduled make-up events in Ohio and Florida.

8)  Offered a temporary tax shelter in Cayman Islands to all the money that could not be invested until Wall Street had reopened.

9)  Bought $5,000 worth of food and asked for it to be donated it to his supporters, so that they could donate it back to the campaign, so that campaign could donate it to Red Cross, thus effectively tripling the donation activity of the campaign.

10)  Called for employers to allow women to leave work early this week so that they can get home in time to cook dinner for the tired 1st responders.

Hopefully, you did not get affected by the storm… and if you did, hopefully, some real help is getting to you quickly…

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , , | 18 Comments

10 Quick And Easy Halloween Outfits For This Election Season

Posted on October 26, 2012 by List of X

The day, which millions of people have come to associate with unspeakable evils, is fast

Halloween icon

This is what an
average voters head looks like by October 31st after watching non-stop political ads. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

approaching.  Of course, I am referring to the Election Day.  And in just a few days Halloween will provide a brief but welcome distraction from politics.  However, in case you have been obsessing so much about which candidate is better qualified to continue the policies of George W. Bush’ administration, that you totally forgot about that Halloween party you were invited to attend, here are 10 Halloween outfits you can quickly and easily make at home without having to stop obsessing about politics.

1)  “A Liberal Slut”: A casual dress, a vial of contraceptive.

2)  “A Communist”: A casual dress, Obama 2012 pin.

3)  “An Undecided Voter”: A casual dress, a blindfold, earplugs.

4)  “Mitt Romney On A Hike”: A casual dress (but a tuxedo is preferable), a stuffed toy dog tied to the back. Optional accessories: binders full of women, stack of pink slips, flip flops.

5)  “Obamacare”: A skimpiest outfit possible, just enough to cover your pre-existing conditions. Also, make sure it
also covers all your kids under 26 years old.

6)  “A Debate moderator”: A casual dress, microphone. Make sure to end each phrase with “You have two minutes”. As in “Hey, how have you’ve been? You have two minutes”, “Are you going to be long the bathroom? You have two minutes”. When you see two people talk to each other too long, approach and interrupt them.

7)  “Mitt Romney’s Tax Plan”: A long black or gray coat over naked body.  If asked what’s inside, open the coat to reveal the “$5 Trillion I.O.U.” attached in the strategic area.

8)  “Joe Biden In Debate Preparation Mode”: A formal suit, a laughing gas inhaler, and a dictionary of Irish derogatory terms.

9) “Donald Trump’s wife (with husband)”: casual dress, a balloon filled with hot air.

10)  “47% Percenter” (kids version). A casual dress. Send your kids to knock on your neighbors’ doors demanding candy handouts. This outfit requires no additional props, but if you still have your daughter’s Princess outfit from last year, it can be easily converted into “The Welfare Princess” outfit.

Please feel free to suggest your Halloween costume.

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

10 Possible October Surprises For 2012 Election Campaign

Posted on October 23, 2012 by List of X

Now that all the debates and conventions are officially over, the polls are close, and the

Vortexmind 2007 Calendar - November

Not to be confused with the November Surprise, which happens when you forget to set your clocks 1 hour back for daylight savings time and show up to work an hour early on Monday. (Photo credit: Vortexmind)

election campaign is now in the home stretch. This means long stretches of truth-stretching political ads, occasionally interrupted by the regular TV programming, all in the effort to try to make 10 remaining undecided voters aware of the elections. However, there is still a possibility that an unpredictable major event, upsetting the balance and tilting an election result one way or the other, takes place shortly before the election. Such an event is normally called an October Surprise in American political lingo. So here is the analysis of 10 potential October Surprises that could still take place before the election.

1) Pennsylvania, Ohio and Indiana enact Voter ID laws that allow as the only acceptable form of ID a completed voter registration form with checked Republican Party affiliation box. (Good for Romney.)

2) Mitt Romney makes an ultimate flip flop and endorses Barack Obama for President. (Good for Obama.)

3)  After voting machines owned by Romney family are installed in Ohio, a legally binding contract is revealed to make all votes submitted on these machines a property of the machine owner. (Good for Romney.)

4)  Mitt Romney’s campaign declares that it will pull out of the swing states, because Mitt Romney’s Mormon church does not approve of swinging. (Good for Obama.)

5) The Apocalypse happens a week before the election. (Good for Romney, because early voters who generally favor Democrats would not be able to go to the polls. Also, it could be plausibly blamed on Obama.)

6)  Mitt Romney declares that he no longer considers Russia to be the number one geopolitical enemy, and designates Nazi Germany as the new number one foe. (Good for Obama.)

7)  Donald Trump finally makes his hyped-up “Big Announcement About Obama”, which reveals that Barack Obama’s middle name is “Hussein”. (Good for Romney.)

8)  Paul Ryan can’t follow his exercise routine and puts on 20 pounds.  (Good for Obama.)

9)  Iran announces it will end its nuclear program, and Mitt Romney rightfully denounces Obama for not being tough enough on Iran’s horses and bayonets program. (Good for Romney.)

10) Paul Ryan or Mitt Romney accidentally make a truthful statement about their tax plan. (Good for Obama, but the least likely of all the above scenarios.)

Please feel free to suggest your own October Surprise.

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 16 Comments

10 Fun Facts About The Republican Vice-Presidential Nominee Paul Ryan

Posted on October 11, 2012 by List of X
Official portrait of Congressman .

Official portrait of Congressman . (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

1) Paul Ryan is hailed as an intellectual leader of the Republican Party, because ability to lie is considered to be one of the clearest indicators of an advanced intellect.

2) Although Paul Ryan does not have a Super PAC, he is believed to have super six-pack.

3) According to one of the lesser known provisions of Paul Ryan’s Medicare voucher plan, you will be exempt from Medicare changes if you vote for Romney.

4) Paul Ryan once said in an interview that he ran a marathon in under 3 hours, when it actually took him just over 4 hours. But that was not a lie. Paul just cut his marathon time by 30% because he loves cutting things.

5) Unlike other Vice Presidents, Paul Ryan would not be within a heartbeat to a presidency, because that would require Mitt Romney to have a heart.

6) When Paul Ryan was a boy, he once cut down a cherry tree, and then he honestly said that Abe Lincoln did it. But Paul’s dad still guessed it was Paul, because he knew how much Paul loves cutting things.

7) Paul Ryan has proposed a tax plan which would be “revenue-neutral”. This means that the government will receive exactly the same amount from taxes, some people will get to keep more income, while others get to keep less. Therefore, Paul Ryan is an advocate of wealth redistribution.

8) Paul Ryan has worked in the government for his entire adult life and knows exactly what needs to be done in the government so that nothing gets done.

9) Paul Ryan has a reputation of a wonk among his party.  To earn this reputation, one has to do three things: a) tell people exactly how much lower their taxes will be, b) tell people it will somehow be paid for; and c) look good shirtless.  The last part demonstrates his commitment to wonking out daily.

10) If any of the above facts don’t seem truthful to you, please note that they have been provided by Paul Ryan.

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , | 6 Comments