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10 Reasons Why Russia Is Invading Ukraine

Posted on March 3, 2014 by List of X

Vladimir Putin has responded to journalist question with "What invasion? I don't hear anybody complaining about any invasion. Now please allow me to defend these cardboard targets."

Vladimir Putin has responded to journalists’ questions about the invasion with “What invasion? I don’t hear anybody complaining about any invasion. Now go away, I’m busy protecting these cardboard targets.”

After recent protests in Ukraine ousted pro-Russian president Viktor Yanukovych, Russian parliament voted to give Russian president Vladimir Putin the authority to use military force to protect ethnic Russians in Crimea peninsula and Eastern Ukraine. As of Sunday, armed Russian-speaking people in unmarked military uniforms have been running around Crimea, surrounding Ukrainian military bases and demanding their surrender, setting up checkpoints, seizing Crimean parliament, while Ukraine has declared a mobilization of its troops – so, apparently, ethnic Russians in Crimea must now be feeling more protected than they ever have. Although Russia hasn’t actually declared a war, or admitted that it has de-facto invaded Ukraine, there’s a very short list of countries with Russian-speaking militaries. Here are 10 reasons why Russia is invading Ukraine.

1) Vladimir Putin is sending Russian military into Ukraine in order to prevent the violence that would be caused by the Russian military’s arrival into Ukraine.

2) Ukrainian flag is yellow and blue, Ukrainians had an Orange revolution – and if Russia doesn’t put an end to this color-adding tendency, it could turn into a full-scale rainbow gay propaganda.

3) Still giddy from Russia’s winning 2014 Sochi Olympics’ medal count, Vladimir Putin is hoping to pad the medal count even more by taking over Ukraine with its two Olympic medals.

4) Russia has found undeniable proof that there are weapons of mass destructions located on Crimea peninsula, specifically on the Russian military base in Sevastopol.

5) Vladimir Putin felt bad for Sarah Palin, who is still being mercilessly mocked for her 2008 Vice Presidential run, and decided to make her 2008 prediction that Russia would invade Ukraine come true, so that she’d finally get to be right for once.

6) This intervention is just another manifestation of Vladimir Putin’s severe mid-life crisis: he got divorced, started dating gymnasts and walking around without a shirt on, and it all began when Vladimir realized that, being the president of Russia, he has already peaked and everything will go downhill from there.

7) If Tea Party ever gets their wish and deposes Barack Obama, Putin wants to be prepared to annex the historically Russian territories of Alaska and Northern California. (That would also make everyone stop joking about Palin’s seeing Russia from her house.)

8) Vladimir Putin was very upset that Barack Obama hasn’t been returning his phone calls.

9) Putin is hoping that after Russia invades Ukraine and restores Yanukovych to power, Ukraine would return the favor and invade Russia, in case Putin has trouble with protesters in Moscow.

10) And the last and most important reason: Mother Russia doesn’t need any reasons to invade anybody.

(Русский перевод тут)

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged Crimea, humor, Maidan, Russia, Sarah Palin, satire, Ukraine, Viktor Yanukovych, Vladimir Putin | 93 Comments

10 New Advertising Slogans For Milk

Posted on February 26, 2014 by List of X

Milk advertising then and now: Taylor Swift in a Got Milk? ad, and... I don't even know what this is now. Taylor Swift is already working on a song about being dumped by the milk industry.

Milk advertising then and now: Taylor Swift in a “Got Milk?” ad, and… and… I don’t even know what this is now.
(According to reliable sources, Swift is already working on a song about being dumped by the milk industry.)

Many of you probably remember the famous “Got Milk?” ads, featuring celebrities with a milk mustache. But this week, the milk producers have announced that they will end the “Got Milk” advertising campaign, since, apparently, this campaign hasn’t been working that well in recently, and less and less milk has been sold every year. In fact, milk’s market share has decreased so much that its picture has began appearing on the milk cartons. The industry is working on new slogans to improve milk’s image, and I’ve decided to help them in this difficult task. Here are 10 suggested advertising slogans for milk.

1) Milk! Just don’t think about where it came from!

2) The only beverage Justin Bieber isn’t drinking!

3) Recommended by 4 out of 5 Santas.

4) Milk! The cool white stuff that you don’t have to shovel!

5) Milk. Great for your health, because our cows’ feed contains 20% antibiotics!

6) Un-crunch your cereal!

7) Contains protein, calcium, and milk!

8) Buy our milk, or we will kill the cow!

9) Occupy milk! Drink the 1%!

10) Time to buy a new carton, because the one in your fridge is probably expired. (And no, we don’t know whether you’re supposed to recycle the empty carton or throw it out, either.)

Disclaimer: Cookies not included. For internal use only. Do not drink warm milk and operate heavy machinery. If wings made of milk start growing on your back, stop using the product and consult a physician immediately.

And since we’re on the subject of health, advertising, and helping others, might as well get serious for a minute… A fellow blogger, Merbear74 of Knocked Over By a Feather, has been suffering from fibromyalgia, and recently her condition had become so bad that she has been unable to work, and may lose her home to unpaid taxes. Go here for her full story and the information how to donate, or just spread the word, if you can.

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged Advertising, Advertising slogans, Got Milk, humor, Knocked over by a Feather, Milk, satire, Taylor Swift | 150 Comments

10 Reactions To Arizona’s Anti-Gay Law

Posted on February 24, 2014 by List of X

Jesus tells the apostles that they will have to find another restaurant for the Last Supper, because the tavern owner (originally from Arizona) is refusing to serve a bunch of dudes going out for dinner together. (Image from eborg2 . com)

Last week, Arizona’s House of Representatives passed a bill that would allow business owners to deny service to gays and lesbians as long as the business owner professes sincere belief that gays should burn in Hell. The bill has been sent to Arizona’s governor Jan Brewer to be signed, and as the law’s creators explain it, it only seeks to protects business owners’ freedom to live according to their faith, and to make their customers live according to the same faith. Here are 10 reactions to the proposed law.

1) James Grady, used car salesman from Flagstaff, AZ: “No matter what the law says, I’m not going to discriminate and will sell a car to any customer. However, it would be against my sincerely-held religious conviction to refund the money for a defective car.”

2) John Kavanagh, Arizona state Representative: “Some people have started comparing this law to the Jim Crow segregation, and I just want to say that this comparison is absolutely ridiculous. Of course, it’s not like gays would have to use separate drinking fountains. Our state’s budget is very tight and we’re not going to install special water fountains for gays. No, they’re just going to have to carry bottled water.”

3) Vladimir Putin, president of Russia: “Look, I’m happy that you want to follow our example, but if you’re just going to translate Russia’s anti-gay laws and pass them as your own, you’re going to hear from our lawyer.”

4) Rick Allenton, small business owner, Tucson: “I’m really excited about a law, because I think gayness is a sin. But I worry that the gays may hide their true identity and pretend to be straight to buy my fishing supplies. I don’t want to discriminate against the honest people. Is there any way we can make the gays to maybe wear a rainbow star on their clothing so that we could tell them apart from the normal people?”

5) Phoenix Business Association: “We ask Governor Brewer to veto this bill. We fear that the businesses in our state may become a target for boycott by other states, which will likely drive down the economic growth – and this is at the time when our state’s most important industry is basically just a huge hole in the ground.”

6) Jan Brewer, Governor: “It’s not ok for politician to impose restriction on small business owners and tell them what they can and cannot do. That’s the responsibility of religion.”

7) Closets’R’Us, furniture store: “If this law ever goes into effect, we expect a lot of demand for closet space.”

8) Joe “Big” Otterman, moving company driver: “This law really puts me in a pickle. See, I really want these perverts to move out of my state, but I can’t help them move out because of my religion!”

9) Mamnoon Hussain, president of Pakistan: “You Americans always call on moderate Muslims to denounce Islamic extremists. So, when your moderate Christians are planning on denouncing your extremists?”

10) Chad Stevens, LGBT right activist: “The law says it’s ok for business owners to discriminate if their religious belief are sincere. So I’m going to verify the sincerness of their Christian beliefs by slapping their right cheek and watching their reaction.”

2/27/14 update: Governor Brewer has vetoed the bill. Those unfortunate business owners will be forced to find another way to discriminate against gays.

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged Arizona, Arizona Anti-Gay Law, Business, humor, LGBT rights, Political satire, Politics, Republican Party, satire, United States | 106 Comments

10 Reasons Why George Zimmerman’s Celebrity Boxing Match Was Cancelled

Posted on February 10, 2014 by List of X

As you can see, George Zimmerman took his training seriously and even bought a suit so he could look good in the fight. (Photo: NY Daily News)

As you can see, George Zimmerman took his training seriously and even bought a suit so that he would look good in the fight. (Photo: NY Daily News)

While many sports fans are paying their attention to Winter Olympic Games in Sochi, Russia, another momentous sports event has been scheduled right here in the United States. Specifically, George Zimmerman, known for killing Florida teenager Trayvon Martin in 2012 and acquitted in the 2013 trial, had announced that he would participate in a boxing match against another celebrity. As his opponent, the match organizers picked a rapper named DMX (no relation to List of X. DMX also, apparently, once collaborated with a rap group L.O.X. which still is not related to List of X, though I am less sure of that). However, this weekend the match promoter Damon Feldman has announced that the fight has been called off. Here are 10 reasons why Zimmerman-DMX boxing match had been cancelled.

1) George Zimmerman was fearful for his life, but the organizers wouldn’t allow him to bring a gun to the ring.

2) George Zimmerman was hoping for an opponent with a celebrity status and a weight category of Justin Bieber.

3) The promoter tweeted that he’d rather make people happy than make money, which made both Zimmerman and DMX immediately suspicious that Feldman isn’t a real boxing promoter.

4) Zimmerman felt that having to fight an opponent who hadn’t killed anyone would be beneath him.

5) The match was cancelled due to overwhelming opposition among the public: while over 320,000 people liked the Facebook petition to cancel the fight, only 15,000 people asked the organizers to let them fight George Zimmerman.

6) Zimmerman didn’t want to fight a rapper, because he’s more into country music.

7) The promoter’s attempt to include the fight into the Sochi Winter Olympics schedule had failed. According to Russian Olympic Committee, they weren’t interested in boxing, because their Olympic program already includes gay-bashing.

8) Zimmerman just discovered that the exclusive gated community he was promised by his real estate agent was actually a boxing ring.

9) According to George Zimmerman’s accountant, the fee that was promised to Zimmerman for the boxing match would just about cover Zimmerman’s medical expenses after the match.

10) Zimmerman didn’t like the fact that at this fight, there would be a lot of witnesses.

Posted in List of 10, Satire | Tagged Boxing, Celebrity boxing, Damon Feldman, DMX, George Zimmerman, humor, satire, Sport, Trayvon Martin, Winter Olympics | 84 Comments

10 Republican Proposals For Fixing The American Health Care System

Posted on February 3, 2014 by List of X

“I can't help you, Mr. Sickman. See, I believe in laissez-fair economics and free-market solutions to everything, and I practice the same approach in medicine. Treating your infection would be an intrusion into your privacy and picking the favorites in the free-market competition between you body cells and the virus.”

“I can’t help you, Mr. Sickman. See, I believe in laissez-faire economics and free-market solutions to everything, and I apply the same approach in my medical practice. Treating your infection would be an intrusion into your privacy and would turn into picking the favorites in the free-market competition between your body and the virus. Oh, and you now owe me $35,000.”

There have been a lot of criticism coming from the Democratic party that Republicans want to repeal Obamacare without offering their own solutions to the expensive train wreck that is health care in the United States. (It’s more expensive and less covered than the expensive train wreck that it Justin Bieber’s career.) However, this criticism is utterly unjustified, because, first of all, Obamacare WAS the Republican solution for the health care crisis, and, second of all, Republicans have just released their own health care reform plan with plenty of sound suggestions. Here are 10 of their proposals.

1) Repeal Obamacare: Sure, 9 million people would lose the insurance they’ve already gained through Obamacare, but that would be Obamacare’s fault for giving it to them, so it’s all good.

2) Allow people to buy insurance across state lines, because insurance companies from a different state would never find out about your pre-existing conditions.

3) Cut taxes for the top 1%: No matter how sick you are, and no matter what ails you, you would feel much better just knowing that these awesome job creators are busy creating more jobs somewhere in the world.

4) Promote placebo treatments: placebo is cheap and yet it works in about 10-30% of the cases, which is much more that could be said about the No Child Left Behind law.

5) Allow men not to pay for maternity coverage in their policies, because males never do anything that might possibly cause pregnancy.

6) Repeal Obamacare: Completely scrapping the Affordable Care Act will immediately lower the blood pressure and stress levels of millions of Tea Party members.

7) No children should be covered by their parents’ health insurance, because relying on someone’s policy fosters a culture of dependency in children from the very early age.

8) Ban the vaccines: Even if vaccines don’t cause autism, they still result in people getting jabbed by sharp needles.

9) Emergency rooms would become the default medical providers for people without health insurance. A hospital would provide emergency assistance using aspirin and Band-Aids and would discharge the patients once they no longer complain about their pain. (Note: 99.9% of patients stop complaining about their pain after you put a Band-Aid over their mouth.)

10) Repeal Obamacare: Come on, people, the Republican party voted to repeal it around fifty times so far; did you really think that “Repeal Obamacare” would only show up here once?

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged health care, Health care reform, Health insurance, humor, Obamacare, Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act, Political satire, Republican Alternative to Obamacare, Republican Party, satire, United States | 97 Comments

10 Reasons Why Texas Is Removing Algebra II From Its Public Schools

Posted on January 27, 2014 by List of X

No, dude. I am RIGHT HERE. Sincerely, X.

Texas Board of Education is about to give its final approval to drop Algebra II requirement from the state’s public school curriculum. A coalition of industry groups named Jobs For Texas heavily lobbied for the class mandate to be dropped, and because the organization has that magic word “Jobs” in the name, there was no possible way that the state’s legislators could have said No to them. Here are 10 reasons why it would be a good idea to drop Algebra II from the school curriculum.

1) Algebra II is not necessary to be able to successfully compete in the global economy. All you really need is willingness to work for $1 an hour.

2) Algebra II is just a giant conspiracy of algebraists and mathematicians who are only in it to get government grants.

3) If Hollywood taught us anything, it’s that a sequel (to Algebra I in this case) is usually just a crappy rehash of the same themes thrown together to make a quick buck. And you know what? This time, even the book is NOT better.

4) The schools will simply replace Algebra II with Alternative Algebra, which will teach the algebraic controversy to students, so that they could learn to think critically and would not be afraid to question whether imaginary numbers really do exist.

5) It becomes exponentially harder to convince people to believe that federal deficit has increased exponentially once they learn what “exponentially” really means.

6) The word “Algebra” originated as Arabic word “al-jabr” (meaning “reunion of broken parts”), so this entire science is clearly a secret radical Muslim plot to corrupt our innocent Christian children!

7) According to the Jobs For Texas spokesman, Algebra II is not the only way for students to learn the problem-solving skills – and Texas is already doing an excellent job in trying to teach Texans real life problem-solving skills by letting many of them experience and fight hardships like surviving on minimum wage or living without health insurance. Do you think algebra could ever do that?

8) Because, like evolution, that Pythagorean thing about square of hypotenuse isn’t an actual fact – it’s just a theorem, and there is no fossil record to prove it.

9) Although approximately three high-school students will be disappointed by lack of Algebra II in their school’s curriculum, learning to deal with disappointment is one of the most valuable lessons that a school can ever impart to its students.

10) You only need to know how to count to ten to write a top 10 list.

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged Algebra, Education, humor, Jobs For Texas, math, Public Schools, satire, Texas, Texas Board of Education, The sorry state of education, United States | 93 Comments

10 Ways How Russia Is Preparing For 2014 Winter Olympic Games

Posted on January 22, 2014 by List of X

"As a result of our thorough preparation, our foreign competitors will have about that much chance of winning any medal."

“As a result of our thorough preparation, our foreign competitors will have about this much chance of winning any medals.”

In about two weeks, 2014 Winter Olympic Games will begin in Sochi, Russia, and Russian Federation is preparing to host the biggest sporting event of the year – or at least the biggest between the Superbowl and the NBA playoffs. And Russia is taking its job very seriously – so seriously, in fact, that it will import snow from Israel – because, obviously, if there is one thing Russia lacks in the winter, it’s snow. Here are 10 more the ways how Russia is getting ready to host the Olympic Games.

1) Russian police officers are going through extensive training on working with foreigners, so that they’ll be able to ask for a bribe in 12 different languages.

2) Russian authorities released members of punk rock band Pussy Riot and tycoon Mikhail Khodorkovsky from prison, because several unfinished Sochi Olympic construction projects are behind schedule and urgently require more workers.

3) In response to China’s famous Nest Stadium built for 2008 Beijing Olympics, Russia is building a Nesting Stadium, with a smaller second stadium built within the stadium, then an even smaller third stadium inside the second one, and so on, and so on. (This will also be known as “the Inception stadium”). The Nesting Stadium will be built in this way as a homage to the famous traditional Russian nesting dolls, as well as a homage to Sochi’s ridiculously high real estate prices.

4) Due to Russian security services’ concerns about possible terrorist attacks, all foreigners will be asked to surrender all dangerous items in their possession and leave them in the custody of Russian law enforcement officials until the end of the Games. Dangerous objects will include biathlon rifles, skates, and hockey sticks.

5) The country banned gay propaganda to emphasize the masculinity of the Olympic Games. Because there is absolutely nothing gay about the sporting event that started out as a bunch of naked men running around and wrestling each other. In addition, by passing the anti-gay law, Russia hoped to trick most of the Western athletes into boycotting the Games and dropping out of medal contention.

6) Vodka will be promoted as both the official drink, and the official doping of the Olympics.

7) Russian Olympic committee has ordered sand-and-sand-spreading trucks to make the figure skating rinks safer for the American and Chinese skaters.

8) Russian intelligence services lured Edward Snowden from the United States, hoping to get their hands on the NSA information on how exactly American athletes are training for the Games.

9) Per agreement with Bashar al-Assad, Russia took over all of Syria’s chemical weapons, in case it needs to break up a demonstration.

10) And finally, throughout the previous 500 years, Russia conquered most of the Eurasia’s landmass covered by snow in winter in order to secure enough place for the Russian athletes to practice.

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged humor, Olympic Games 2014, Russia, satire, Sochi, Sochi Olympics, Sport, Winter Olympics | 69 Comments

10 REAL Culprits In New Jersey’s Bridge-Gate

Posted on January 13, 2014 by List of X

As as result of the Washington bridge traffic scandal, the "Bridge Closed" sign has been redesigned.

As as result of the Washington bridge traffic scandal, the “Bridge Closed” road sign has been redesigned.

Last week, the story broke that several top aides of New Jersey Governor Chris Christie had organized a closure of two of the three lines of the George Washington bridge connecting New Jersey’s town of Fort Lee and Manhattan, thus causing biggest traffic delays since the one that kept dinosaurs from making it to the Noah’s Ark on time. The closures were justified as a traffic study, but now it’s widely believed that the closures were ordered by Governor Christie as a punishment for Fort Lee’s Democratic mayor Mark Sokolich, for not endorsing Chris Christie’s gubernatorial candidacy. However, Chris Christie had stated at a press-conference that he had nothing to do with the traffic delays, and the blame should lie elsewhere. When I expressed doubts, the governor had convinced me with a simple logical argument that sounded something like “A nice blog you got here, it would be a shame if something bad happened to it”. So, because governor Christie is obviously not to blame, here are 10 people and organizations who are really at fault for the Washington bridge traffic jams.

1) Fort Lee’s Mayor Mark Sokolich: The traffic jams are totally his fault, because had he endorsed Governor Christie, none of this would have happened.

2) Big And Tall clothing franchise: By falsely implicating Governor Christie in a scandal, the chain had received millions of dollars worth in free advertising for their suits.

3) New Jersey Port Authority: Conducted a traffic study to determine whether traffic jams could persuade a Democratic mayor to endorse a Republican governor.

4) GreenPeace: Closed the bridge to encourage people to switch to more ecologically friendly mass transit.

5) Toronto Mayor Rob Ford: While under influence of drugs, hallucinated that he’s the mayor of Fort Lee, and then ordered to close the bridge to Manhattan, saying, “we’re not even near Manhattan – why the hell do we need a bridge to Manhattan for?”

6) President Barack Obama: Caused traffic delays to distract attention from Obamacare. Also, according to the super-secret Fox News research, Obama also hired the Obamacare website developers to build the intentionally faulty bridge in 1931.

7) Americans for Tax Reform (an anti-tax organization): Attempted to relieve the tax burden on New Jersey commuters by having them pay the toll at only one toll booth instead of six.

8) ExxonMobil, Inc.: Artificially created traffic gridlock to keep hundreds of thousands of cars running and burning gas for extra few hours, so that the company could sell more gasoline.

9) Occupy Wall Street: Instead of idly sitting around Wall Street and watching the bankers destroy the economy, they finally proactively blocked the Washington bridge so that the bankers couldn’t even get to their offices.

10) United States Congress: Are there any other words that pop up in your mind when you hear “Washington” and “gridlock” in the same sentence?

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged Bridgeghazi, Brigdegate, Chris Christie, Governor of New Jersey, humor, Manhattan, New Jersey, Political satire, satire, United States | 39 Comments

10 Reactions To The Satanist Monument In Oklahoma State Capitol

Posted on January 9, 2014 by List of X

The statue with sitting a figure of Satan and smiling children next to it was modeled from the other famous pagan idol, Santa Klaus.

In 2012, Oklahoma State legislature authorized building a 10 Commandments monument on the grounds of the state Capitol. And last week, arguing that by allowing a Christian monument Oklahoma should also allow religious monuments from other faiths, a Satanic Temple from New York formally filed an application for a Satanic-themed monument in the Oklahoma Capitol building. Here are 10 reactions to the proposed Satanist monument.

1) Trait Thompson, chairman of Oklahoma Capitol Preservation Commission: “Our commission has made it clear that Satanists will get a monument when Hell freezes over. And… well, gee… thanks a LOT, gosh-darned polar vortex!”

2) American Atheists: “We also would like this opportunity to erect a monument of our own, but since we don’t really have a holy figure of our own, for now we’re considering erecting a statue of prophet Mohammed, so that we could offend both Christians AND Muslims at the same time.”

3) State Representative Earl Sears: “A monument to Satan stands against everything we believe in here in the Oklahoma State legislature! We’re doing Christ’s work here in the Capitol! Now get out of my way, I’m late for a vote to take away the school lunches from the sick and poor kids!”

4) Satan: “Yay! I’m famous!… Ughh, never mind, it’s Oklahoma…”

5) State Representative Don Armes: “This is the 21st century, and we need to be tolerant of all people who think different than us. Well, as long as they’re Christians, of course.”

6) Oklahoma Cattle Rancher Association: “Our organization is offended by this goat-headed disgrace. Seriously, considering our proud Oklahoman traditions, would it kill them to make the statue with a head of Hereford or Angus bull?”

7) Tea Party of Oklahoma: “We’re actually Ok with the monument, as long we are allowed to carve the words ‘Barack Obama’ at the base of the statue.”

8) National Rifle Association: “Our American way of life is once again under attack! We strongly urge all patriotic gun owners to buy more guns to protect Jesus!”

9) Mary Fallin, Governor of Oklahoma: “We understand that the First Amendment guarantees freedom of religion, and we would gladly accept the monuments from any other religion. What we will not allow is a monument from bogus pseudo-religions like Satanism, Buddhism or Islam.”

10) Larry Rudolph, Miley Cyrus’ manager: “I hope this monument is completed soon. Miley is planning to film her next music video this spring, and a statue of Satan is pretty much the only thing she still hasn’t licked in one of her videos.”

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged 1st Amendment, Atheism, humor, Oklahoma, Political satire, Religion, Republican Party, Satan, Satanism, satire, United States | 85 Comments

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