10 Highlights Of George W. Bush Presidential Library

Posted on April 25, 2013 by List of X
President George W. Bush, under the “Mission Accomplished” banner during the ceremony of breaking ground for the Presidential Library. (Image source: thepoliticalzealot.com)

President George W. Bush, under the “Mission Accomplished” banner during the ceremony of breaking ground for the Presidential Library. (Image source: thepoliticalzealot.com)

This Thursday in Dallas, the George W. Bush Presidential Library and Museum is scheduled to hold a dedication ceremony, and will open to the public on May 1st. A Presidential Library, or, as President Bush refers to it, “the lie-berry”, is a traditional project of all recent presidents, and its purpose is to preserve the president’s legacy for the future generations. Here are 10 of the highlights of the George W. Bush Presidential Library exhibition that visitors definitely shouldn’t miss.

1)  An exhibit “Enemies of the State”, featuring photos of Osama bin Laden, Saddam Hussein, and the pretzel on which George W. Bush choked early in his first term.

2)  An empty room, set aside to display the weapons of mass destruction built by Saddam Hussein’s regime in Iraq, and which should be found any day now.

3)  An exhibit showcasing the George Bush’s gratitude to the voters who elected him president, namely, Supreme Court Justices Kennedy, O’Connor, Renquist, Scalia, and Thomas.

4)  At 1020 pages, the longest book in the library is a log of George W. Bush’s presidential vacations.

5)  An interactive table of conflicts in the Middle East. The visitors will be able to start their own conflict in a Middle Eastern country of their choice, just like the President did.

6)  The official results of 2000 Florida recount, as well as the actual results of 2000 Florida recount.

7)  The book “The Art of Puppeteering” by Dick Cheney, and George W. Bush’s coloring books on foreign policy.

8)  Exhibit tags, disclosing that approximately 30% of the collection had to be loaned from China.

9)  A bottom of the barrel, with multiple scratches made by President’s approval rating.

10)  Regular security sweeps of the premises to preserve George W. Bush’s “No Child Left Behind” legacy.

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , , | 95 Comments

10 Reasons Why Senate Voted Against Background Check Bill

Posted on April 19, 2013 by List of X
Capitol

United States Senate, a subsidiary of the National Rifle Association (Photo credit: rpongsaj)

Yesterday, United States Senate failed to pass the law extending the background check requirement to most private gun sales. Although 85% to 90% of all Americans support universal background checks, and more than 50 Senators were in favor of passing the bill, a strong majority of 46 Senators defeated the bill. (According to the current Senate rules, 41 or more votes out of 100 constitute a majority). In response, visibly infuriated President Barack Obama held a press conference, calling out the National Rifle Association for “willful lies” and shaming Senators for their votes.  Here are 10 reasons why Senate voted down the background checks:

1)  These 46 Senators decided to go along with the NRA, because it’s usually not a good idea to antagonize a bunch of angry people with guns.

2)  Guns are very important to many Americans: in rural states, guns are a way of life. And, for about 30 thousand people every year, guns are also a way of death.

3)  These 46 Senators aren’t really opposed to all background checks. At least they looked favorably upon the checks handed out by the NRA in the background.

4)  Senators were concerned that if stronger background check requirement will stop criminals and mentally unstable people from buying firearms, the gun sales would plummet so much that the government will have to bail out the entire gun industry.

5)  They just wanted to see if they can finally get Obama to act like a stereotypical angry black man.

6)  The Senate decided that it’s time to educate the American citizens about the way the government really works, and finally get the voters to stop believing in the myth that they live in a democracy.

7)  Although the Constitution entitles us to life, liberty, and pursuit of happiness, Congress is working on a plan to cut entitlements, and right to life is one of those entitlements that they plan to cut.

8)  By defeating the background check bill, Senators tried to refute the NRA’s argument that Obama is trying to take away their guns.

9)  Believing that Obama was using gun violence victims as props in the gun control debate, the NRA used the Senators as props of their own.

10)  Although the current gun control debate has been spurred by Sandy Hook school mass shooting in which 20 children were killed, Senators don’t really care about children, because children do not vote. Especially when they’re dead.

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 29 Comments

10 Reasons Behind North Korea’s Aggressive Behavior

Posted on April 6, 2013 by List of X
North Korea, while officially advising foreign diplomats to leave the country, continues to encourage the visits from foreign tour groups. The photo shows a group of North Korean citizens excitedly welcoming the foreign tourists with the signs roughly translated from Korean as “Welcome hostages!”

North Korea, while officially advising foreign diplomats to leave the country, continues to encourage the visits from foreign tour groups. The photo shows a group of North Korean citizens excitedly welcoming the foreign tourists with the signs roughly translated from Korean as “Welcome hostages!”

North Korea’s rhetoric, never exactly conciliatory, grew even more hostile in the recent weeks. The country’s leader Kim Jong Un has threatened to incinerate the United States and South Korea, asked foreign diplomats to leave the country, and moved the missile launchers closer to the coast. Last week, North Korea even posted threatening clips on YouTube, signaling that the hostility escalated to the whole new level. So what’s really behind North Korea’s aggressive behavior? Here are 10 possible reasons.

1)  The country’s attitude turned much more hawkish since Kim Jong Un appointed Dick Cheney as Vice Supreme Leader of North Korea.

2)  Bashar al-Assad asked Kim Jong Un for a friendly favor, one deranged dictator to another, to distract media attention while he’s trying to quietly get rid of those pesky Syrian rebels.

3)  This behavior is just North Korean version of March Madness.

4)  Kim Jong Un keeps visiting the army units and inspecting front lines, because he wants to delay as much as possible his inevitable return to the dreaded household chores at home.

5)  There is a severe food shortage in North Korea, and we all tend to act crankier when we are hungry.

6)  Kim Jong Un watched too much Fox News and became convinced that Obama is coming after him to take away his guns.

7)  North Korea is conducting military testing to test the patience of the United States and South Korea.

8)  Kim Jong Un is trying to score some free PR to help him land a guest spot on the Honey Boo Boo reality show.

9)  During his recent visit to North Korea, Dennis Rodman must have introduced Kim Jong Un to some powerful mind-altering stuff, probably coffee.

10)  Kim Jong Un is upset that US Department of State denied his green card application.

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , , | 53 Comments

10 REAL Reasons Why Barack Obama’s Presidential Limo Broke Down In Israel

Posted on March 22, 2013 by List of X
When the entire government is broken and dysfunctional, it’s a miracle that the presidential limo lasted that long....

When the entire government is broken and dysfunctional, it’s a miracle that the presidential limo lasted that long….

Earlier this week, President Barack Obama had arrived to Israel for an official visit, and his official presidential limousine had been delivered to Israel as well. However, just before Obama landed in Israel, the presidential limo malfunctioned and had to be towed. The official explanation for that unfortunate incident was that the driver filled the gas tank with the wrong type of fuel, but can we really trust the official versions? Of course, we can’t!  So, here are 10 REAL reasons why the presidential limousine broke down.

1)  As the limousine was passing through airport security before the flight to Israel, TSA confiscated all of the car’s motor oil and other liquids.

2)  The car was ok, but the Obama’s administration had to take it off the road when they couldn’t produce a long-form car title certificate demanded by Donald Trump.

3)  Republican Senate leader Mitch McConnell filibustered the brake line.

4)  Someone in Obama administration decided that it’s time for the car to use renewable energy, and filled the gas tank with the solar panels.

5)  The car had been modified for 2012 Barack Obama re-election campaign, and “Forward!” was the only direction it could go.

6)  Due to the budget sequestration, all engine belts had been tightened, and 8% of the engine’s parts have been cut.

7)  Someone slapped Romney/Ryan 2012 bumper sticker on the car, and it burned through the rear fender.

8)  As a condition of admitting the car into the country, Israeli Supreme Rabbinate circumcised the car’s exhaust pipe.

9)  Republicans, having failed to make Obama a one-term president, still managed to make Obama’s car a one-term presidential limo.

10)  The limousine was prepared for the overseas visit by the Carnival Cruise line.

Are there any car experts reading this? Any ideas why Obama’s car malfunctioned?

P.S. On a side note, a guest post I wrote for The Official How To Blog has been Freshly Pressed this week. I know some of you have seen it, but if you haven’t, please feel free to check it out: How To Write A Blog: 10 Obligatory Blog Posts Every Blogger Has To Write At Least Once.

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , , | 65 Comments

10 Ways How Israel And Palestine Are Preparing For Barack Obama’s Visit

Posted on March 18, 2013 by List of X
Map of Israel, the Palestinian territories (We...

Somehow, all of Obama’s security, diplomats and supporting staff would have to fit in this tiny area.  (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Later this week, Barack Obama is scheduled to make his first official visit to Israel and Palestine.  Undoubtedly, both Palestinians and Israelis would be eager to make good impression on the American President.  Here are 10 ways how Israelis and Palestinians are preparing for Barack Obama’s visit.

1)  Israeli government will paint the houses and pull weeds along the planned route of Obama’s motorcade to show that millions of dollars in American military aid did not go to waste.

2)  To highlight the harshness of life under the Israeli occupation, Palestinian Authority will burn houses and plant weeds along the route of Obama’s motorcade.  This measure will also make Barack Obama feel more at home, because it should remind him of Detroit.

3)  Israelis will dig an underground tunnel from Tel Aviv to the capital of Palestinian Authority at Ramallah, so that Obama will not see any Jewish settlements while traveling through the West Bank.

4)  Palestinian Authority will prepare a petition for Obama Administration to put pressure on Israel to withdraw from all the illegal Jewish settlements, including Jerusalem, Haifa and Tel Aviv.

5)  In response, Israel’s Prime Minister Netanyahu will prepare a petition to Obama and United Nations, asking them to officially recognize Palestinian territories as a giant pain in the tuches.

6)  West Bank will welcome the American President with celebratory billboards greeting “Welcome Great American Satan!”, while HAMAS, which controls the Gaza strip, will welcome the distinguished guest by setting off a homemade rocket fireworks over the cities of southern Israel.

7)  Barack Obama’s trip will include a visit to the Western Wall, where he is expected to place a note in the wall with his prayers.  Per the guest’s request, a section of the Western Wall will be removed so that all 2000 pages of Obamacare could fit in.

8)  In response to Obama’s request that Israel returns to the pre-1967 borders, Israel will offer President Obama a tour of Israel from the 1967 border to the Mediterranean Sea.  The tour will be conducted as a walking tour and is expected to take two to three hours, including lunch.

9)  Palestinian Authority will complain to Obama about Israel not allowing 3G cell phone service in West Bank and and are expected to compare this to the Holocaust.  The comparison would be perfectly valid, because Nazis did not provide 3G coverage to Jews in concentration camps either.

10)  In honor of the esteemed American guest, the personnel at Tel Aviv’s Ben Gurion airport will comply with the recent TSA decision and will allow for small knives, golf clubs, and baseball bats to be carried onto Air Force One.

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , , | 31 Comments

Posted on March 17, 2013 by List of X

I’ve never re-blogged anything to List of X, not even my own guest posts I write for other blogs, because I am trying to keep this blog true to the form I had accidentally chosen a couple of years ago. But this post I wrote for “The Life Of Kylie” blog is something I could have posted here. Though, if it weren’t for Kylie’s idea for the post, I would’ve never written it. And please check out the rest of her blog, too.
Please check it out, and

Kylie's avatarThe Life of Kylie

From Guest Blogger, List of X

List of X’s blog is “An Ostensibly Funny Commentary* of the Recent News and Events. 
(* warning! may not actually be funny or a commentary. Also, since I am not quite sure what “ostensibly” means, it might not be “ostensibly” either.)”

But believe me, List of X’s commentary is funny, very funny, ostensibly or not.

10 Dumbest Things Gun Nuts Always Say

  1. We shouldn’t have any gun regulation laws because bad guys will always find a way to break the law.  You’re not proposing to repeal all laws against theft and murder just because bad guys will always find to break them, are you?  But let’s talk about something that’s really close to your heart.  Why do we bother having a 2nd Amendment on the books, anyway?  Those bad guys in the government (and they’re the worst, don’t you agree?) will find…

View original post 880 more words

Posted in List of 10 | 8 Comments

10 Reasons Why Republicans Want To Sponsor The White House Tours.

Posted on March 12, 2013 by List of X
White House

White House (Photo credit: Tom Lohdan)

Last week, the White House made a decision to suspend the tours of the White House due to budget cuts. Predictably, this decision angered the Republicans, as does any other Obama’s decision. Though, unpredictably, several prominent Republicans, such as Sean Hannity and Donald Trump, actually offered to chip in with their own money to keep the White House tours going. Unfortunately, this amazing generosity did not extend to paying even a cent to prevent furloughs and layoffs of air traffic controllers, firefighters, and teachers. Here are 10 reasons why Republicans believe that preserving the White House tours is more important than education or defense.

1)  A tour is the only way a Republican can get into the White House now.

2)  The White House is the only federal building with the heat on after the budget cuts.

3)  Trump and Hannity still hold out a hope that while on a tour, some brave patriot will get a chance to rummage through Obama’s papers and will finally find his real birth certificate.

4)  Because unlike the furloughed teachers, the White House tour guides do not teach evolution, but a Republican-approved version of intelligent design theory, according to which the Founding Fathers created everything.

5)  To every Ronald Reagan devotee, closing White House feels like closing the Vatican feels to a Catholic.

6)  The Republicans want to obstruct Obama administration further by clogging the White House hallways with tourists.

7)  By sponsoring the tours, they could claim that it’s their own money that keeps the White House open for business.

8)  Donald Trump still hadn’t had a chance to see which carpets and drapes he would need for when he’s elected president.

9)  Since Obama Administration refused to rule out drone strikes on the American citizens even on the American soil, the White House suddenly became the safest place in the country.

10)  According to Republicans, running the tours should be the only function allowed to the Democrat-controlled executive branch.

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 21 Comments

10 Other Conservatives Who Aren’t Welcome At A Conservative Conference

Posted on February 28, 2013 by List of X
Chris Christie

The official position of CPAC organizers is that they could not fit Chris Christie at the conference (Photo credit: Marissa Babin)

This March, the Republican Party is organizing its annual Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC), which is a big annual gathering of conservatives, where they get together and make conservative speeches to each other and try to out-conservative each other. (I apologize for using word “conservative” so many times, though I’ve honestly tried to use it conservatively). Chris Christie, the Republican Governor of New Jersey, was a star of the last year’s CPAC. However, this year CPAC has not invited Christie to address the conference, citing his “limited future” with the party due to his less-than-conservative positions on Sandy relief and gun control. Here are 10 other prominent conservatives that CPAC organizers will not invite this year, with their brief explanations.

1)  Singer Ted Nugent:  “He said that if Obama is re-elected, he’d be either dead or in jail. Either way, he won’t be able to make it.”

2)  Sarah Palin:  “What if she starts talking, then quits her speech mid-sentence to go on a book tour or reality show?”

3)  Marco Rubio:  “The only way we can have him is if we can keep him away from water bottles.  It was just easier not to invite him than hire TSA agents to confiscate all water bottles.”

4)  George W. Bush:  “Who?”

5)  Allen West, an African American Tea Party politician:  “We already got Herman Cain. What do we need a second black man for?”

6)  Arnold Schwarzenegger:  “He couldn’t make it this year, but said he’ll be back.”

7)  Mitt Romney:  “Why do you keep bringing up these people that we have no idea who they are??”

8) Richard “Rape is a gift form God” Mourdock, a Senatorial candidate:  “Though if he were to attend, his speech would have been a gift from God…”

9) Karl Rove:  “We would have invited him, but he’s just too busy trying to win Ohio for Romney.”

10) Clint Eastwood:  “With so many people that aren’t invited, there would just be too many empty chairs at CPAC to keep Eastwood from talking to them.”

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 38 Comments

10 Ways How Budget Cuts Will Affect Your Life

Posted on February 25, 2013 by List of X
Sylvester Stallone

At least most of us are already aware that “Sequester” means “budget cuts” and NOT the first name of that actor who was in the Rocky and Rambo movies. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

As you may know, on March 1, 2013 the automatic budget cuts, known as “sequester” will take effect, unless Congress acts to repeal or delay them.  And since, as you may know, the words “Congress” and “act” don’t really belong in the same sentence, we all should start preparing for these imminent budget cuts right now.  Here 10 ways how sequester could affect your life.

1)  If you are buying meat at the supermarket, please note that due to reductions in the number of the food inspectors, there will now be even less beef in that horse meat the store has been selling you as “beef”.

2)  If you are flying commercial, get ready for longer lines at security checkpoints, because many TSA workers will be furloughed and will not have enough hands to properly grope everyone.  However, if you are not planning to fly, you should be even more careful since those furloughed TSA agents will now be roaming free out on the streets.

3)  Also, if you are still planning on flying, call ahead to the airport at your destination to make sure that not all air traffic dispatchers in that airport have been transferred to help out with the much more important job of confiscating the passengers’ water bottles.

4)  If you are receiving Medicare, please be advised that as of March 1st, instead of covering a knee replacement surgery, Medicare will only cover a knee replacement surgery replacement, also known as “a cane”.

5)  If you are a soldier fighting overseas, please know that the nation will care about you approximately 8.5% less.  Since it’s high time that the army becomes more self-sufficient, you’ll be required to take mandatory online courses to learn how to pillage and plunder with the help of drones.

6)  If you are in pre-school… You know what, if you are in pre-school and you are reading this, that’s pretty amazing for a pre-schooler!  Your parents must be so proud of you!  So good news for you then: you’ll get to spend more time with your parents, because there won’t be any more pre-school for you!

7)  If you are planning to visit a national park, please know that due to lack of funding the National Park Service will shut down the Old Faithful geyser in Yellowstone and 9 out of 13 Hawaiian volcanoes.

8)  If you are a gun owner, you can rest easy because the Homeland Security will not have the manpower to come to your house to confiscate your guns.  Of course, this wouldn’t have happened anyway but feel free to be grateful for the sequester.

9)  If you live in a tornado-prone area, you need to start preparing for a tornado right now.  Because of the cuts to the National Weather Service, this post could be the only warning you’re going to get.

10)  Due to personnel cuts, all Congressmen will have to go on extended break and all lawmaking activity will cease.  In other words, sequester will not affect Congress in any meaningful way.

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 24 Comments

10 Reactions To Pope Benedict XVI Resignation

Posted on February 13, 2013 by List of X
English: Pope Benedict XVI in Italy

Pope Benedict XVI is also expected to resign from his part-time job as a Santa Claus impersonator. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

This week, Pope Benedict XVI announced that he will resign the post as the head of the Catholic Church at the end of February, and God is expected to accept his resignation.   This is the first time in the last 600 years that a pope has resigned his post, and Pope Benedict’s decision prompted many different reactions, from elation (in Atheists) to disbelief (also in Atheists).  Here are 10 other reactions to the pope’s announcement.

1)  Vatican Press Secretary:  “I would like to clarify that Pope Benedict is not ill and will only resign his position to spend more time with his family… Ooops!  Oh my… I wasn’t supposed to mention his family…”

2)  Mitt Romney:  “I will take a lot of credit for Pope’s resignation.  Also, I hear that there will be an election for the new pope, so please donate to my new campaign, ‘Kneel with Romney for Better Vatican’.”

3)  BBC:  “Catholic Church in Europe has been losing followers for a while, but so far this is the first defection of such a high profile.”

4)  Cardinal Angelo Scola:  “Unfortunately, Pope Benedict has been sicker than we thought.  Just last week, he was heard to utter such delirious and incoherent nonsense about humans being descendants of apes and Earth having a shape of a sphere.”

5)  Pope’s Facebook page:  Pope Benedict changed status to “Single”.

6)  Americal Association of Pedophile Priests:  Though we are saddened to see His Holiness leave, let us remember that the herculean task of covering up child sex abuse demands a younger and more energetic leader.”

7)  Karl Rove:  “I’m looking forward to working with Pope Benedict XVI to prepare him for 2016 presidential election.  As our internal polls show, our party would be very excited to have a white male Catholic candidate who is considerably more moderate than Rick Santorum.”

8)  List of X:  “This list had became unbearably difficult to continue, and therefore I have regrettably decided to end it after just 8 items.  What, the Pope can quit early and I can’t?”

 

Posted in Humor, List of 10, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , , | 32 Comments