10 Ways How TSA Is Making The World A Better Place

Posted on November 13, 2010 by List of X

The Transportation Security Administration at the US airports is getting their new full-body security scanners and new enhanced patdown process which is only slightly less intrusive than an autopsy, and no wonder that passengers, pilots, and flight attendants are revolting against the new rules.  However, many of us tend to forget that TSA is actually making the world a better place.  Here are the 10 ways how they are doing that.

1) TSA provides many great employment opportunities to registered and unregistered sex offenders, voyeurs and child molesters, thus keeping them away from your neighborhood.

2) Because many people are now avoiding the air travel altogether, the TSA actions reduce the pollution from the airplanes while increasing the number of passengers on the much more efficient public transportation such as trains or buses.

3) It will also generate more revenues for the shipping companies such as FedEx and UPS, due to expected increase in the number of packages sent from the Middle East.

4) TSA are buying so much radioactive materials for their scanners that Iran will never get enough uranium to make a nuclear bomb.

5) TSA has finally provided an indisputable proof that an alien spaceship really crashed in Roswell, NM in 1947 by incorporating in their procedures the most advanced and effective alien technology known to humans – the anal probe.

6) Female travelers will be able to opt out of the annual breast exam in favor of the pat-down, while males will be able to forgo the testicular examinations.  And with the TSA success record you can be rest assured that they will not find anything dangerous there.   Also, you would get a free massage.

7) For the children, TSA would provide a viable alternative to Catholic church: children would be groped and molested by a man in a uniform just as they think they are on their way to heaven.

8 ) The radiation exposure from the scanners will greatly reduce your chances of dying from Alzheimer’s, heart attack, car accident or other unrelated cause of death, although may increase your chances of dying of embarrassment.

9) The infamous “The Pedophile’s Guide to Love and Pleasure: A Child-Lover’s Code of Conduct” pedophile how-to guide has been pulled from Amazon.com so that it could be converted into a TSA training guide named “The Patdownophile’s Guide to Glove and Security: A Child-Groper Code of Conduct”.

10) Finally, the TSA security procedures are making the potential terrorists realize that passengers aren’t the real enemy.  And on the other hand, the passengers are realizing that terrorists aren’t that scary either.

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10 Reasons Why Barack Obama Could Not Sign A Trade Deal With South Korea

Posted on November 12, 2010 by List of X

Barack Obama is currently traveling in Asia, where he had unsuccessfully tried to sign the free trade deal with South Korea, and promised to continue hammering out the agreement after returning to Washington.  Here are the 10 reasons why the trade deal was not signed.

1) Korean negotiators always wanted to visit America and wanted to ensure they would be invited there.

2) The sides could not agree on the maximum number of South Korean children which Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt would be allowed to adopt.

3) Barack Obama could not sign his name in Korean.

4) The Korean side did not have a microscope available for reading 781 pages of small print inserted by Americans.

5) Barack Obama was not fully confident that swapping Park Place and Boardwalk for Baltic Avenue represents a completely fair and equivalent exchange.

6) Hyundai and Kia were asking Barack Obama to repeal the bailout of GM and Chrysler.

7) They have tried to sign the treaty with a pen made in China.

8 ) After the elections, Barack Obama did not want even a slight perception that the government is doing too much.

9) They could not come to the consensus on which side would actually trade for free.

10) The Korean delegation did not agree to the proposed exchange rate between US dollars and WarCraft gold.

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10 Ways How India is Preparing for Barack Obama’s Visit

Posted on November 5, 2010 by List of X

Barack Obama is scheduled to be visiting India this week, and although it will not cost $200 million per day as originally suggested, it is still expected to be a rather grand affair.  On their side, the Indian officials who are preparing for the US President’s visit are sparing no effort to make his visit to India as pleasant as possible.  Here are the 10 ways how India will prepare for Barack Obama’s visit:

1) Indian officials requested removal of all coconuts from the coconut palms around the temple Barack Obama is planning to visit so that a coconut does not fall on presidents head.  This is actually true: http://www.nydailynews.com/news/world/2010/11/04/2010-11-04_india_removes_all_coconuts_from_trees_around_gandhi_museum_to_prevent_them_from_.html

2) To not upset the honored guest, the Indian officials will also request to remove any Republicans from the coconut palms as well.

3) States of Maharashta and Haryana will be cordoned off and closed to pedestrian traffic and a cease-fire will be established in Kashmir so that full force of Indian military may be deployed to protect the American president visiting the country.

4) To enhance the visitor’s protection, the Indian Air Force fighters will be continuously flying in battle formations around the Taj Mahal Palace hotel where Barack Obama will be staying.  At night, so that the airplane noise does not disturb the sleep of American president, these jet fighters will be flying covered with pillows and silk coveralls to muffle the sound of their engines.

5) To preempt any potential questions about authenticity of Barack Obama birth certificate, Indian officials will present Mr. Obama with a completely authentic birth certificate indisputably certifying that Barack Hussein Obama was born of mother Agnes Gonxha Bojaxhiu (also known as Mother Teresa) and father God Shiva in city of Chicago, state of America.

6) Any rats, mice, or other disease transmitting small mammals will be caught and completely vaccinated against plague, flu and malaria so they do not spread any disease to the American delegation.

7) No nuclear weapon testing will allowed within a mile from the Taj Mahal Palace hotel.

8 ) In order to avoid reminding Barack Obama of the disappointing American mid-term elections and the Tea party, there will be no local elections held during the visit and tea will not be served to the guest.  In addition, Mr. Obama will be entertained by a show of snake charmers treading on snakes.

9) To fulfill president Barack Obama’s wishes to create more American jobs, 65,000 American jobs will be created in Chennai, Hyderabad and Bangalore.

10) And of course, the presidential suite toilets will be fixed on time, and maybe even the toilets at the Commonwealth games too.

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10 Reactions to the Elections Results

Posted on November 4, 2010 by List of X

The results of yesterday’s elections were disappointing to some and exciting to others, and few people had exactly the same reaction to the elections outcome.  So here are the reactions to the election results from 10 different people:

1) Christine O’Donnell: “I dabbled in politics.”

2) Barack Obama: “Well… apparently… yes you can too.”

3) John Boehner: “This is not a time for compromise.  (end of actual quote). Because when you compromise you may actually do something useful, and we are not planning on doing anything.”

4) Bob Earl Barnes, 68, of Lexington, KY: “I sent them damn Dammacrats a message that I want no them govurmunt hands on my Social Security!”

5) Jim Mason, 24, of San Francisco: “I am really happy the Giants won!… Elections?  What elections?  Oh, that pot thing….”

6) Republican Leader Mitch McConnell: “The single most important thing we want to achieve is for President Obama to be a one-term president. (end of actual quote)  Did you actually believe that we were going to achieve anything else, or create legislature or basically do anything that we have promised you?  Reeeeally?  Oh well, how silly of you.  Well, remember to vote Republican in 2012!”

7) Tea Party: “Yes!  Finally we are taking this country back, right back into the recession!”

8 ) Floyd Weisgold, Goldman Sachs executive: “We are happy with the way the election has turned out.  Every American business had been concerned about future legislation that could affect them, and this election has ensured that the gridlocked Congress will not pass any new legislation or regulations for at least the next 2 years.  And in completely unrelated news, we will soon be unveiling some new and really exciting financial products available, that are AAA++ rated and backed by completely safe Countrywide mortgages and some Enron stock.”

9) Meg Whitman, ex-CEO of eBay: “Well, at least I can hire illegal immigrants again.”

10) Sarah Palin: “Does this mean that I am the president now?”

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10 Reasons These Elections Were So Damn Expensive

Posted on November 2, 2010 by List of X

This election season has been called one of the most expensive ever, with estimated 3 to 4 billion dollars spent on campaigning.  Here 10 of the costs that made these elections so expensive.

1) $455,211,521 to pay for grassroots organizing.

2) $245,000,000 for voter intimidation.  However, because of some stupid regulations prohibiting that at or near the polling station, the voter intimidation had to be outsourced to the Fox News.

3) $36,800,000 to create and distribute 8,579,800 mailings and 4208 TV ads to ensure voters that campaign donations from foreign citizens and corporations were not accepted.  Luckily, the $187,600,000 in donations from foreign citizens and corporations had more than offset that cost.

4) $15,677,906 for 9,952,025 Hitler mustaches to be glued on Barack Obama, Harry Reid and other Democrats portraits, 36 50-feet tall statues of Nanzilla (Nancy Pelosi in the form of Godzilla), and a $300 fee to Nancy who kindly agreed to pose for these statues.

5) $5,500,000 was spend by Republican Governors Association on making the attack TV ads against Democratic gubernatorial candidates.  However, RGA was able to save over $10,000,000 by using a template ad “[Democrat’s name] is against small businesses and for higher taxes” and re-inserting different candidates names.

6) $2,250,000 from Democratic National Committee to James Cameron for making Avatar’s likable Na’vi protagonists blue as opposed to red to subtly suggest that the blue Democrats are also good.

7) $1,783,000 was spent on the failed experimental campaign to elect an actual female grizzly bear to Congress in 12th congressional district of Alaska following Sara Palin’s comparison of the new fierce female Republican candidates to mama grizzlies.  However, an actual mama grizzly bear turned out to be strongly in favor of gun control, supported much stricter environmental regulations, salmon fishing quotas and oil drilling bans, as well as attacked both Republicans and Tea Partiers.

‘8) $1,411,000 for 842 infra-sound generators to generate and increase the feelings of fear and anxiety in voters.

9) $834,000 to address voting machines malfunctions (what is considered a malfunction would be determined according to discretion and party affiliation of a polling location supervisor) and invisible ink markers to be used for voting in certain districts.

10) $220,000 for padlocks and security detail outside of the ranch of George W. Bush so that he would prevented from coming out and accidentally endorsing a GOP candidate.

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10 Fun Statistical Facts About Glenn Beck’s Rally

Posted on November 2, 2010 by List of X

Note: The below was originally posted in my Facebook account on 8/30/2010 with Friends Only access and the post on the Rally to Restore Sanity was meant to be a complement to the post below.

This weekend, Glenn Beck held a rally for reclaiming the honor and returning to God.  Actual number of people in attendance was  estimated as anywhere between 1000 and 1000000 people, but the correct number is not known.  However, some bits of statistics have been collected:

1) 112502 people thought it was a Beck beer promotional event. Of these, 67819 have not realized their mistake.

2) Fox News did not immediately cover the story, because 35 Fox News correspondents did not attend as they knew for a fact that it was not a Beck beer promotional event.

3) 3220 Census workers were hired to estimate the number of people attending the rally. If you have been at a rally, please be patient and you will be counted within 6 to 8 weeks.  Yes, they know who you are and where you are now.

4) 350972 people thought it was a Beck concert.  Of these, 29 showed up anyway.  Of these, 27 were not disappointed.

5) 178 writers for the Jon Stewart show came in search of material.  They came back with so much material they had to shut down the show for a week in order to process it, and also with 5172 job applications.  4621 of these applications were submitted by people assuming Jon Stewart is also a brand of beer.

6) 1 former governor showed up hoping to restore the honor to her teenage daughter.

7) When Glenn Beck said “look West”, 53583 people looked toward the East.

8 ) 14.1 tons of chalk was delivered for Glenn Beck but remained unused since he was told by the authorities he could not draw charts on the walls of Lincoln Memorial.

9) 12.7 pounds of chalk was used by Glenn Beck anyway because he is not the type to quietly obey everything that the corrupt government tells us to do.  He only stopped after he had realized that the white chalk is not visible on the white walls.

10) 7 people returned to God due to hot weather and dehydration.

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10 Fun Statistical Facts About Rally to Restore Sanity

Posted on November 1, 2010 by List of X

1) 3,819,570 people were too sane to actually to cram into the DC metro, buses and national Mall and watched the rally on TV

2) Of 211,131 people attending, only 3,175 people actually saw and heard everything Stewart and Colbert was saying.

3) 14 police officers went insane trying to control the crowd.

4) 332 people followed the Jon Stewart’s request to protect the grass on the National Mall by hanging from the trees and streetlights.

5)  4 ambulance vehicles have been hijacked and turned into bleachers.

6) 87,126 people have tried to use their indoor voice to express their sane opinions and were therefore not heard.

7) 3853 online post-rally discussions were held between Glenn Beck and Jon Stewart supporters, measuring and comparing the sizes of Glenn’s and Jon’s rallies.

8 ) 4531 hand made signs have been blocking the view of the people behind.  Of these, 4257 were lowered reasonably soon so that these people could see.

9) 627 correspondents from NPR, ABC, Fox and other news organizations were banned from attending the Rally to Restore Sanity to avoid the appearance that these news organizations in any way support a sane and reasonable debate.

10) Jon Stewart’s rally was moved from reflecting pool location used by Glenn Beck’s rally because unlike Glenn Beck, Stewart did not need to constantly check out his own reflection.

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10 Most Common Political Sound Bites – Explained

Posted on October 31, 2010 by List of X

We all constantly hear things like “growing the economy”, “preserving freedom”, “reduce the government”, from every political candidate of every party but some of those things may need a little explanation to a regular person.  So here are the translations of 10 of most common election slogans and sound bites:

1) “Run the government like a business”: The government will be run with the intention to maximize the profits for the shareholders and owners of said government.

2) “America is going down the drain”: All that what this movement needs is a right man (or woman) to lead it.

3) “Creating jobs”: Hiring dozens of aides, assistants and advisers immediately after the election.

4) “Reducing the size of the government”:  Laying off all of these aides, assistants and advisers.  This will usually be followed by “Creating jobs” immediately thereafter.

5) “Bipartisanship”.  Actively involving both political parties in the process by claiming credit for any success to your party and blaming the other party for all the failures.  A form of “Bipartisanship”, called “Reaching Across the Aisle” means no longer taking any more of that gibberish from the opposing party congressman and actually making an effort to strangle him.

6) “Washington is broken”:  Rallying cry of every politician eager to snatch a piece of it.

7) “Preserving the Freedom”: Enclosing and hiding the Freedom in a well-protected, unreachable and undisclosed location so that no one touches it with their dirty liberal (or teabagger) paws ever again.

8 ) “Closing the border”:  Because it must always be done without increasing the government spending, it requires buying a “Closed” sign and hanging it on the border, thus only adding $7.99 to the national deficit.

9) “Growing the economy”:  Works essentially like growing any plant: first digging a hole for whatever you want to grow (big hole for the economy – check!), covering it with fertilizer, such as manure (plenty of bullshit – check!) and waiting (doing nothing – check!).  When nothing grows, add more bullshit or revert to “Bipartisanship”.

10) “Redistribution of wealth”:  (This is the trickiest one) A financial transaction in which one person becomes richer and another person becomes poorer, which is, in effect, describes every financial transaction: for example, getting a paycheck makes employee richer and employer poorer, or selling something with profit makes a buyer poorer and seller richer.  A non-“redistribution of wealth” transaction would be exchanging equal amounts of money, such as changing a dollar for 4 quarters.  Therefore if “Redistribution of Wealth” completely stops, all profits disappear and all money loses its purpose, it would be… oh no….COMMUNISM!!!!  But do not despair, you will still be allowed to break a dollar into 4 quarters, as long as none of the quarters are Canadian.

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